Journal Entry: 252.
Hey; so Happy Birthday America & to Caroline. :)
So, lately I've been struggling with the thought or actions of change. It seems that everything around me is changing. I feel like I went to sleep, like Old Man ... whatever. THe guy that fell asleep for 14 years, and then I wake up, and everything around me is changing. It's like, I missed the memo somewhere... or did I?
Everything around me seems to be falling apart. This summer, isn't exactly how I thought it would be, but I wouldn't go as far as saying disappointing. I've had a lot of fun, thus far, but it is very different than how I thought it would be.
Let's start with the obvious. I mean, I officially ended almost a two year relationship, on and off. It's weird. I have this tendency to define myself within people, and I would definitely say I found more of myself while I was in that relationship, than I ever thought I would have. It's just tough. Change can just be a bitch.
I think I've been feeling as if I'm the outsider watching my own life lately. I feel like the descisions I've made, aren't really the ones that I thought would be the best? I'm not extremely happy with the outcomes of the descisions I've made, but I've learned to deal with them. In a sense, regret, but not to such a deep extent. I've enjoyed my life thus far, why stop now?
Friends.. or should I say friends? It's difficult these days to find the definition of friend. Acquantinces and people you hang out with are different than friends. I could go on a rant about what qualities friends should have, but it's definitely different for everyone.
But, I guess what I've come to realize is that people are going to be people. ...I'm a person, so I'm going to be a person. & what I mean by that, is we all tend to let each other down at times. & it's definitely frustrating. But, at one point in time, I was juggling three groups of friends, and a relationship, but now as I'm reexamining everything, the one group is falling apart, the second isn't as close as I thought, and the third, well, communication has halted.. to an abrupt stop. & like I said, the relationship, is gone. Me defining myself within these groups.. has also ceased, considering this. It seems lately, I have a lot of one-on-one interaction with individuals, but I'm not too thrilled with that either. It's not the worst, but I definitely thought this summer would have contained a lot more "group action."
So, it's weird. All the college kids came home. & a lot of them are still fun and junk to hang out with, but it's definitely weird. Not a bad weird, just weird. Like, everyone left with, "Oh, don't worry, we'll be friends when I come home." ...but it doesn't seem to be as easy to pick up right where we left off, as we thought it would be. The ones that are the most important to you, are obviously still there, and you still communicated while they were away; but, all the others, are ...mysteriously gone or disappeared. Granted, they all have lives themselves, but I thought there would be a little bit more time for all of us to stay connected. It just seems all the common bonds that we used to share, aren't there.
It's just lately, I feel like I'm trapped in a vortex. Everything around me is spinning and changing, and I feel like I'm remaining stationary. Though, I know I'm not. I know people could say the same exact things that I'm saying about myself. Because this is life; things change. Sometimes I wish I could fix things; but I think I've done my best thus far. I'm happy & content with things, and others, not so much. All the bridges that were burned, I've made a concetious effort to rebuild them; whether those efforts end up going unnoticed, I can't tell.
My memories seem to be what I've been hanging on to lately. So, I'm going to put a few good memory quotes in here:
"Memory is a way of holding onto the htings you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."
"God gave us memories that we might have roses in December."
"A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completley unhappen."
Well, I think I'm done with my emo/reflective post. I'll write some other time.
So, lately I've been struggling with the thought or actions of change. It seems that everything around me is changing. I feel like I went to sleep, like Old Man ... whatever. THe guy that fell asleep for 14 years, and then I wake up, and everything around me is changing. It's like, I missed the memo somewhere... or did I?
Everything around me seems to be falling apart. This summer, isn't exactly how I thought it would be, but I wouldn't go as far as saying disappointing. I've had a lot of fun, thus far, but it is very different than how I thought it would be.
Let's start with the obvious. I mean, I officially ended almost a two year relationship, on and off. It's weird. I have this tendency to define myself within people, and I would definitely say I found more of myself while I was in that relationship, than I ever thought I would have. It's just tough. Change can just be a bitch.
I think I've been feeling as if I'm the outsider watching my own life lately. I feel like the descisions I've made, aren't really the ones that I thought would be the best? I'm not extremely happy with the outcomes of the descisions I've made, but I've learned to deal with them. In a sense, regret, but not to such a deep extent. I've enjoyed my life thus far, why stop now?
Friends.. or should I say friends? It's difficult these days to find the definition of friend. Acquantinces and people you hang out with are different than friends. I could go on a rant about what qualities friends should have, but it's definitely different for everyone.
But, I guess what I've come to realize is that people are going to be people. ...I'm a person, so I'm going to be a person. & what I mean by that, is we all tend to let each other down at times. & it's definitely frustrating. But, at one point in time, I was juggling three groups of friends, and a relationship, but now as I'm reexamining everything, the one group is falling apart, the second isn't as close as I thought, and the third, well, communication has halted.. to an abrupt stop. & like I said, the relationship, is gone. Me defining myself within these groups.. has also ceased, considering this. It seems lately, I have a lot of one-on-one interaction with individuals, but I'm not too thrilled with that either. It's not the worst, but I definitely thought this summer would have contained a lot more "group action."
So, it's weird. All the college kids came home. & a lot of them are still fun and junk to hang out with, but it's definitely weird. Not a bad weird, just weird. Like, everyone left with, "Oh, don't worry, we'll be friends when I come home." ...but it doesn't seem to be as easy to pick up right where we left off, as we thought it would be. The ones that are the most important to you, are obviously still there, and you still communicated while they were away; but, all the others, are ...mysteriously gone or disappeared. Granted, they all have lives themselves, but I thought there would be a little bit more time for all of us to stay connected. It just seems all the common bonds that we used to share, aren't there.
It's just lately, I feel like I'm trapped in a vortex. Everything around me is spinning and changing, and I feel like I'm remaining stationary. Though, I know I'm not. I know people could say the same exact things that I'm saying about myself. Because this is life; things change. Sometimes I wish I could fix things; but I think I've done my best thus far. I'm happy & content with things, and others, not so much. All the bridges that were burned, I've made a concetious effort to rebuild them; whether those efforts end up going unnoticed, I can't tell.
My memories seem to be what I've been hanging on to lately. So, I'm going to put a few good memory quotes in here:
"Memory is a way of holding onto the htings you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."
"God gave us memories that we might have roses in December."
"A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completley unhappen."
Well, I think I'm done with my emo/reflective post. I'll write some other time.