oi
I'm getting better. I'm in school, i'm finding a job hopefully, i'm doing everything i was doing in Nebraska.... And none of it is good enough. Its too little too late. I'm broken in Mike's eyes, not repairable. I want nothing more than for him to come to me with open arms and love. There is nothing more i want to do than to run to him and give him everything i possibly can and then some, and he doesn't want it. He doesn't want my love. It's not enough for him i guess. He wants to see other people. Wants to be open to the possibility of other relationships. And that hurts more than i want to let anyone know. I die a little each day that passes. Eventually there's not going to be anything left of me. Nothing i do can change the past, but why can't i change our future? Why am i not allowed to have a say in how my life goes? I chose who i want to love for the rest of my life. I thought he'd chosen me as well. You don't run away from problems, you stay and fix them till they're fixed. In this case he ran away, i fixed them, and now he doesn't want to come back? How does that make any sense? If he loved me at all he'd come back, however slowly, but he'd be open to coming back. And i don't know if that's truly going to happen. He says he needs time to stop being so resentful toward me. To maybe be with some high maintenance girl and see how low maintenance i was. i dont know, something like that... but i dont think that he understands just how much it hurts he even wants to think about being with other people. I said yes because that's what he wanted. Because he said i was hurting him by not letting him....how could i say no after that? When every part of me wanted to say no, i said yes because i was hurting him again.
I don't know where this is going. I've always been able to see into my future and imagine where i was going, but i can't even look into tomorrow to tell you if i'm still here or not. i just want to be able to love him again. He complains that he's on hold, but i feel like this balloon that keeps getting blown up, ready to burst. And at the same time i feel like my guts are being pulled out with a pumpkin shovel. carved out while someone laughs in the background. i'm so messed up emotionally right now. And it's all because i cant love who i want. I can't be with who i want. Because they no longer want me, for no solid reason.
I don't know where this is going. I've always been able to see into my future and imagine where i was going, but i can't even look into tomorrow to tell you if i'm still here or not. i just want to be able to love him again. He complains that he's on hold, but i feel like this balloon that keeps getting blown up, ready to burst. And at the same time i feel like my guts are being pulled out with a pumpkin shovel. carved out while someone laughs in the background. i'm so messed up emotionally right now. And it's all because i cant love who i want. I can't be with who i want. Because they no longer want me, for no solid reason.