Daddy.
I was born. Brought into this world like everyone else, dying to take my first real gasp of air, just to start dying again. You were there though, you were there to ensure that I at least had the chance to die on my own time. New. From my mothers womb, into my fathers arms. Six. From my mothers wrath into your protection. Ten. From my mothers embarrassment into your acceptance. Fourteen. From my mothers watchful eye into your understanding. You were always there, the one to run to. Daddy was a hero, but heroes always have a weakness, and for you, it was your own blood. It choked you, it took you away that day. Synapses fired off frantically because of the lack of oxygen to your brain, once a tall strong man, then, limp and weak, almost like a child, like your own, the one you brought into this world, weak and afraid, frail and useless. You were born again. I was left without a father, no, left without a "Daddy". The tragedy of it all, is that you weren't taken by force, you weren't taken at all, you're drifting away from me, contently.
The shoulders I used to sit on, now frail. The arms that used to hold me, now useless. The voice that would readjust my attitude, now mousy. The man I sat and talked to forever, about girly things that you were never interested in, than man who held me in the dark, the one who comforted me and cared for my wounds, the one who sheltered me from the disappointment of my mother, now just trace of the man you used to be. A fragment. We don't talk. We don't see each other. I can't feel you. I feel like you're gone, I feel like you've died, without a goodbye and for no reason. I'm done being angry, I'm done feeling sorry for us. I'm done being your baby, but I don't want to forget you, and everyday that we don't talk, I forget the strong, tall, and gentle "Daddy" I once had. Does this make me a bad child? The fact that I'm angry at you for not trying to get better, for not trying to go back to how we were, for not trying to make me see that you're still there? Am I at fault, for not forcing myself to see you, to feel you, like I once did. Arms big and strong, like curtains, to shield me from what should not have been seen or heard, a voice so big as to scare away the shadows and clear my mind and heart of all that mottled it with doubt and fear, a kiss so potent as to send me into slumber on wings of fancy and dream scape. You've become blurred. Out of focus to me. Distorted, and I'll never have you back, back the way I remember you, want you, long for you to be. I don't want to forget "Us", I love you Daddy, please don't fade away.
The shoulders I used to sit on, now frail. The arms that used to hold me, now useless. The voice that would readjust my attitude, now mousy. The man I sat and talked to forever, about girly things that you were never interested in, than man who held me in the dark, the one who comforted me and cared for my wounds, the one who sheltered me from the disappointment of my mother, now just trace of the man you used to be. A fragment. We don't talk. We don't see each other. I can't feel you. I feel like you're gone, I feel like you've died, without a goodbye and for no reason. I'm done being angry, I'm done feeling sorry for us. I'm done being your baby, but I don't want to forget you, and everyday that we don't talk, I forget the strong, tall, and gentle "Daddy" I once had. Does this make me a bad child? The fact that I'm angry at you for not trying to get better, for not trying to go back to how we were, for not trying to make me see that you're still there? Am I at fault, for not forcing myself to see you, to feel you, like I once did. Arms big and strong, like curtains, to shield me from what should not have been seen or heard, a voice so big as to scare away the shadows and clear my mind and heart of all that mottled it with doubt and fear, a kiss so potent as to send me into slumber on wings of fancy and dream scape. You've become blurred. Out of focus to me. Distorted, and I'll never have you back, back the way I remember you, want you, long for you to be. I don't want to forget "Us", I love you Daddy, please don't fade away.