The Groundhog Conspiracy
"But how can we convince the humans?" Sassperilla queried.
"It will have to be a slow, gradual plan, one that appeals to their simple minds. We must embed ourselves in their culture, and slowly, over time manipulate them into accepting our whims." replied the Old One.
Two hundred years later, one February morning..
The Johnson Family was seated around the breakfast table, Daddy Johnson reading The Philadelphia Inquirer, Jimmy and Jack Johnson (being 17 and 14 respectively) exchanging light playful banter and Mommy Johnson was making gluten-free flap jacks, grass-fed sausage and organic, nitrite free bacon.
"This Global warming thing is a load of hooey..." Daddy said, tossing the paper aside with disgust. "It's obvious to anyone with two firing neurons that they're just pushing the issue to distract from REAL climate change."
Mommy gently set down a fresh round of flap-jacks and sat next to her husband, their home was a small colonial style 4 bedroom in the middle of no-where Pennsylvania, the kitchen decently sized and the family was seated around a large, rectangular table, the room lit by sunlight gently cascading through the windows. "It does seem as if the winter's in Europe have gotten particularly nasty." Mommy added, "Perhaps there is something to sudden glacial rebound after all..."
"I read on the internet that scientists were lying about global warming..." Jimmy piped up, a slight grin on his face.
"Well you have to be skeptical of things you read on the internet, son, but in this case, given everything else that's out there I think what you read was pretty spot on." Daddy replied. "Now, who's ready to go see Punxsutawney Phil?"
Jimmy shouted, "Oooh! Me!", thrilled that he got to skip school that day to go enjoy the annual Groundhog's Day festivities.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep underground...
"Damn those humans! How dare they talk about our grand conspiracy so flippantly! Our plans are now in jeopardy!" The old one cursed. He was walking along in one of the many underground caverns that housed the Consortium. It was an ancient group of humans and groundhogs who colluded to convince the global populace the world was heating up... "We need the AGBot to get on the mind-control box and thoroughly distort the reality of the situation before more people catch on to our machinations!"
Sassperilla followed, along with a coterie of humans and groundhog guards, assistants and note-takers. Today was Groundhog day, the epic announcement of groundhog will imparted to a few, elect humans to be regurgitated in their media. One of the assistant groundhogs scurried off down a side passage, thorough a retinal-scanning security door and into the hangar.
What stood before him was a large, human shaped android. The AGBot, it's ultimate purpose was to be a tool of the groundhog elite whereby they could communicate with the humans as a human, in this case, humans knew the AGbot as Al Gore. The groundhogs had positioned him in many influence positions, and now his ultimate purpose, to push the Global Warming Agenda, was in full swing. The cat-sized rodent climbed up onto the scaffolding and entered AGBots backside where he could neurally link with the robot, controlling all of its actions directly. After powering up, he casually walked back out into the hallway and rejoined the small ensemble.
"Sassperilla, make sure the bot is on TV before the day's end." The old one ordered as the group entered an elevator and began rapid ascent toward the surface.
"Yes, Old One. We've also begun buying stock in Carbon Credits... phase two is in full swing."
"Excellent... I must complete the ritual. Go now and see to our affairs."
On the surface there was a buzz in the air. The excitement was palpable as everyone waited for Punxsutawney Phil's announcement, will spring come early or will there be six more weeks of winter? As the old one climbed into his borrow from the secret underground entrance he removed his ceremonial robes and crown, handing them off to his assistants. He was ready for the lie... as he clamored out of his sanctuary he was sure to cast and look directly at his shadow, indicating winter would be another 6 weeks in length. This, he knew to be a lie, winter would end early, and all the puny humans would be scurrying around in their thick, winter coats unnecessarily.
"Sweating," he thought, with a maniacal grin.
"It will have to be a slow, gradual plan, one that appeals to their simple minds. We must embed ourselves in their culture, and slowly, over time manipulate them into accepting our whims." replied the Old One.
Two hundred years later, one February morning..
The Johnson Family was seated around the breakfast table, Daddy Johnson reading The Philadelphia Inquirer, Jimmy and Jack Johnson (being 17 and 14 respectively) exchanging light playful banter and Mommy Johnson was making gluten-free flap jacks, grass-fed sausage and organic, nitrite free bacon.
"This Global warming thing is a load of hooey..." Daddy said, tossing the paper aside with disgust. "It's obvious to anyone with two firing neurons that they're just pushing the issue to distract from REAL climate change."
Mommy gently set down a fresh round of flap-jacks and sat next to her husband, their home was a small colonial style 4 bedroom in the middle of no-where Pennsylvania, the kitchen decently sized and the family was seated around a large, rectangular table, the room lit by sunlight gently cascading through the windows. "It does seem as if the winter's in Europe have gotten particularly nasty." Mommy added, "Perhaps there is something to sudden glacial rebound after all..."
"I read on the internet that scientists were lying about global warming..." Jimmy piped up, a slight grin on his face.
"Well you have to be skeptical of things you read on the internet, son, but in this case, given everything else that's out there I think what you read was pretty spot on." Daddy replied. "Now, who's ready to go see Punxsutawney Phil?"
Jimmy shouted, "Oooh! Me!", thrilled that he got to skip school that day to go enjoy the annual Groundhog's Day festivities.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep underground...
"Damn those humans! How dare they talk about our grand conspiracy so flippantly! Our plans are now in jeopardy!" The old one cursed. He was walking along in one of the many underground caverns that housed the Consortium. It was an ancient group of humans and groundhogs who colluded to convince the global populace the world was heating up... "We need the AGBot to get on the mind-control box and thoroughly distort the reality of the situation before more people catch on to our machinations!"
Sassperilla followed, along with a coterie of humans and groundhog guards, assistants and note-takers. Today was Groundhog day, the epic announcement of groundhog will imparted to a few, elect humans to be regurgitated in their media. One of the assistant groundhogs scurried off down a side passage, thorough a retinal-scanning security door and into the hangar.
What stood before him was a large, human shaped android. The AGBot, it's ultimate purpose was to be a tool of the groundhog elite whereby they could communicate with the humans as a human, in this case, humans knew the AGbot as Al Gore. The groundhogs had positioned him in many influence positions, and now his ultimate purpose, to push the Global Warming Agenda, was in full swing. The cat-sized rodent climbed up onto the scaffolding and entered AGBots backside where he could neurally link with the robot, controlling all of its actions directly. After powering up, he casually walked back out into the hallway and rejoined the small ensemble.
"Sassperilla, make sure the bot is on TV before the day's end." The old one ordered as the group entered an elevator and began rapid ascent toward the surface.
"Yes, Old One. We've also begun buying stock in Carbon Credits... phase two is in full swing."
"Excellent... I must complete the ritual. Go now and see to our affairs."
On the surface there was a buzz in the air. The excitement was palpable as everyone waited for Punxsutawney Phil's announcement, will spring come early or will there be six more weeks of winter? As the old one climbed into his borrow from the secret underground entrance he removed his ceremonial robes and crown, handing them off to his assistants. He was ready for the lie... as he clamored out of his sanctuary he was sure to cast and look directly at his shadow, indicating winter would be another 6 weeks in length. This, he knew to be a lie, winter would end early, and all the puny humans would be scurrying around in their thick, winter coats unnecessarily.
"Sweating," he thought, with a maniacal grin.