'Prudie's defense of rape culture' or 'I will never read Slate again'
Prudie has a weekly advice column/live chat in Slate magazine and today, a woman's friend wrote in and said she doubted her friend had been raped. The rest is...not good. A WORLD of not good.
Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story: A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn't think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape-that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn't have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges-she has the guy's business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn't remember anything the next day. I'm not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?
A: Trying to ruin someone else's life is a poor way to address one's alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don't know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here-in the absence of any evidence she was drugged-where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there's any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you're concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won't find herself in such painful situations.
Later, Prudie gets another person commenting on the question, and uses the opportunity to be even more sexist and awful...
Q. RE: One-Night Stand Story: If someone is intoxicated to the point where they are not able to remember their actions, or if they are stumbling around drunk, then they are not capable to consenting to sexual relations, and the friend may very well have been raped without having been given date-rape drugs ... Of course, I am not certain how this works if BOTH parties are falling down drunk ...
A: This is why it's a really good idea not to get so drunk you are no longer responsible for your actions. Presumably the guy was drinking, too. So two drunk people voluntarily stumble off to bed, then later she realizes that she actually wasn't in a condition to give consent, even though she may have appeared to be consenting. I take rape very, very seriously, but as we've seen in high-profile cases, many women get slammed with the notion that they've consented when they've truly been assaulted. If this case is as the friend describes, I think it's a big mistake for a woman to turn her mistake into a criminal matter.
Prudie takes rape ~very seriously~ (unless you're a drunk slut and then you were totes asking for it)
Q. Revised Story Re: One-Night Stand:
Emily, I just want to offer my support for the points you made about the "victim" of this so-called rape. I know you'll get bombarded with a lot of offended armchair (and maybe even actual) advocates for rape victims, but women, taking ownership of our bodies means owning up to the responsibility of when we screw up. Two people having sex when both of their inhibitions are lowered by alcohol is NOT rape. It does tremendous harm to enforcement of rape laws when women try to escape the consequences of their actions in this way.
A: Thanks. I know this is a controversial stand, but I agree that turning a regretted one-night stand into a rape only ends up hurting women who actually are raped.
And finally, what about TEH MENZ????
Q. False Accusations: I have a real issue with the "I was so drunk I can't consent" argument, as a guy. My issue is this: A rape accusation, whether real or not, can ruin a man's life-it can ruin his professional and personal relationships among other things. Furthermore, the court of public opinion is far too quick to convict men (think Duke lacrosse team) without proof. The woman should ask herself if she really was raped or she really just drank too much, and unless she's 100% sure that she was raped, she should learn a lesson from this, not make her fellow one-night-stander into a victim.
A: Another great point. No one should have to defend himself against a false accusation like this. You are right that the consequences can be disastrous.
Source
This is just so. gross. Like, I can't even with how gross and disturbing this is. I seriously want off this planet right now.
Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story: A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn't think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape-that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn't have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges-she has the guy's business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn't remember anything the next day. I'm not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?
A: Trying to ruin someone else's life is a poor way to address one's alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don't know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here-in the absence of any evidence she was drugged-where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there's any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you're concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won't find herself in such painful situations.
Later, Prudie gets another person commenting on the question, and uses the opportunity to be even more sexist and awful...
Q. RE: One-Night Stand Story: If someone is intoxicated to the point where they are not able to remember their actions, or if they are stumbling around drunk, then they are not capable to consenting to sexual relations, and the friend may very well have been raped without having been given date-rape drugs ... Of course, I am not certain how this works if BOTH parties are falling down drunk ...
A: This is why it's a really good idea not to get so drunk you are no longer responsible for your actions. Presumably the guy was drinking, too. So two drunk people voluntarily stumble off to bed, then later she realizes that she actually wasn't in a condition to give consent, even though she may have appeared to be consenting. I take rape very, very seriously, but as we've seen in high-profile cases, many women get slammed with the notion that they've consented when they've truly been assaulted. If this case is as the friend describes, I think it's a big mistake for a woman to turn her mistake into a criminal matter.
Prudie takes rape ~very seriously~ (unless you're a drunk slut and then you were totes asking for it)
Q. Revised Story Re: One-Night Stand:
Emily, I just want to offer my support for the points you made about the "victim" of this so-called rape. I know you'll get bombarded with a lot of offended armchair (and maybe even actual) advocates for rape victims, but women, taking ownership of our bodies means owning up to the responsibility of when we screw up. Two people having sex when both of their inhibitions are lowered by alcohol is NOT rape. It does tremendous harm to enforcement of rape laws when women try to escape the consequences of their actions in this way.
A: Thanks. I know this is a controversial stand, but I agree that turning a regretted one-night stand into a rape only ends up hurting women who actually are raped.
And finally, what about TEH MENZ????
Q. False Accusations: I have a real issue with the "I was so drunk I can't consent" argument, as a guy. My issue is this: A rape accusation, whether real or not, can ruin a man's life-it can ruin his professional and personal relationships among other things. Furthermore, the court of public opinion is far too quick to convict men (think Duke lacrosse team) without proof. The woman should ask herself if she really was raped or she really just drank too much, and unless she's 100% sure that she was raped, she should learn a lesson from this, not make her fellow one-night-stander into a victim.
A: Another great point. No one should have to defend himself against a false accusation like this. You are right that the consequences can be disastrous.
Source
This is just so. gross. Like, I can't even with how gross and disturbing this is. I seriously want off this planet right now.