Yes means yes
Holly’s post about Consent Culture is wonderful:
A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex-in fact, of human interaction-is centered around mutual consent. It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs.
I don’t want to limit it to sex. A consent culture is one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well. Don’t want to talk to someone? You don’t have to. Don’t want a hug? That’s okay, no hug then. Don’t want to try the fish? That’s fine. (As someone with weird food aversions, I have a special hatred for “just taste a little!”) Don’t want to be tickled or noogied? Then it’s not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.
… I think part of the reason we have trouble drawing the line “it’s not okay to force someone into sexual activity” is that in many ways, forcing people to do things is part of our culture in general. Cut that shit out of your life. If someone doesn’t want to go to a party, try a new food, get up and dance, make small talk at the lunchtable-that’s their right. Stop the “aww c’mon” and “just this once” and the games where you playfully force someone to play along. Accept that no means no-all the time.
…It’s good to practice drawing your own boundaries outside of the bedroom, too. It can be shockingly empowering to say something as small as “no, I don’t want to sit with you.” ”No, you can’t have my phone number.” ”I love hugs, but please ask me first.” It’s good practice for the big stuff. Simply learning to put your mind in the frame of “this person does not want me to say no to them, and they will resist me doing it, but I’m doing it anyway” is a big, important deal.
Go read the whole thing, obviously. But it's what I'm trying to get my students to understand when I have them write about sexual assault and prevention...it's not enough to just say "no means no" when women still feel like they can't say no and that, even when they do (and not just about sex but about so much more), their "no" is ignored. In fact, they are denigrated and treated like they're hysterical for "making a scene" and saying "no" in the first place.
It's not just university rules that need to change; it's the culture that needs to change.
A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex-in fact, of human interaction-is centered around mutual consent. It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs.
I don’t want to limit it to sex. A consent culture is one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well. Don’t want to talk to someone? You don’t have to. Don’t want a hug? That’s okay, no hug then. Don’t want to try the fish? That’s fine. (As someone with weird food aversions, I have a special hatred for “just taste a little!”) Don’t want to be tickled or noogied? Then it’s not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.
… I think part of the reason we have trouble drawing the line “it’s not okay to force someone into sexual activity” is that in many ways, forcing people to do things is part of our culture in general. Cut that shit out of your life. If someone doesn’t want to go to a party, try a new food, get up and dance, make small talk at the lunchtable-that’s their right. Stop the “aww c’mon” and “just this once” and the games where you playfully force someone to play along. Accept that no means no-all the time.
…It’s good to practice drawing your own boundaries outside of the bedroom, too. It can be shockingly empowering to say something as small as “no, I don’t want to sit with you.” ”No, you can’t have my phone number.” ”I love hugs, but please ask me first.” It’s good practice for the big stuff. Simply learning to put your mind in the frame of “this person does not want me to say no to them, and they will resist me doing it, but I’m doing it anyway” is a big, important deal.
Go read the whole thing, obviously. But it's what I'm trying to get my students to understand when I have them write about sexual assault and prevention...it's not enough to just say "no means no" when women still feel like they can't say no and that, even when they do (and not just about sex but about so much more), their "no" is ignored. In fact, they are denigrated and treated like they're hysterical for "making a scene" and saying "no" in the first place.
It's not just university rules that need to change; it's the culture that needs to change.