answers and how you get them.....
I sit here at 2am in the morning and write this as many things are going through my head. More for myself than anything else, but maybe the answers are found in the most unlikely of places. I rarely write here, but read a great deal. It is nice to sometimes hear what is going on with other people, and even better to hear about real lives of other people. Most of you are my friends and some are acquaintances of others of whom I am friends with. Here is how the story goes..............
I am pondering my life at this moment and some conversations I had with a friend as I walked up to the top of Mount Si this past afternoon. It was absolutely beautiful at the top. Looking down into the sound and seeing Seattle so small, the place I call home. I do not really know what the future brings or what will even happen tomorrow. I am not sure I would even wish to know this. One thing I know is I regret nothing that life has passed me. Sure I could have done things differently, and there may have been better way of handling certain circumstances. This I do not doubt. I have baggage just as anyone else may. This was mentioned in the walk to the top of Mt. Si. I have the baggage and honestly some of it I have not dealt with, it is in the back some where covered with dust and waiting for the time I am ready to deal with it. Did I mention I tend to bottle things up. And yes I know this is not the best way to handle things, but no matter how I try it none the less is the way I have my file system regulated. I rarely ever get pissed or angry with anyone. I can be quite emotional though and just about anything can get to me. My baggage though is my baggage and I set it for myself and a few people I feel I can give me advise and allow me to vent or cry or wander sentence after sentence.
I look at my life at this moment and I am happy. I have what I need and do most things I want. There are things I need to do like go back to school and find another job that I am happy with. These are things on my list that I need to work at. Then there is want. For everything that any one person can want, I am happy with what I have. I have a great house I live in, and I have 2 cars that are in decent shape. I have two wonderful roommates that are the rock behind my back. So what is missing? Well the one want, a boyfriend. Do not get me wrong, I want a boyfriend this is true, but I am far from settling for just a boyfriend, but I still want none the less. Sometimes I do wonder if this want gets too great will I settle for something less than I deserve. Mind you I am not trying to say anyone is less than deserving or anything associated with this thought other than it needs to be right. I absolutely hate dating. I hate the unknown, I hate the fact that I am so shy and introverted sometimes. Why am I this way. I am certainly not this way in a relationship. Mind you I have three the shortest being a year and a half. It is this whole get to you know you phase and trying to read the other person to what they are thinking and feeling. Why all the bull crap, Why can it not be easier, and why do I not have the guts to say hey what do you think of me, what do you want and where is this going? Why does everything have to change just because I like some guy and then my tongue gets twisted and my balls shrivel up to the point of wondering am I a man or what? This has happened with more than one person, and currently now when I come home at 2am.
to Quote someone " Especially at the end of the night, when I wasn't sure if I should drive home or stay there, sometimes it is hard to know what another person is thinking, I wish more people lead their lives and emotions a little more openly like I do, lol.
Do tell....I find myself in this same situation with this same person.....
Confuses does, confusion thus I am.
I am pondering my life at this moment and some conversations I had with a friend as I walked up to the top of Mount Si this past afternoon. It was absolutely beautiful at the top. Looking down into the sound and seeing Seattle so small, the place I call home. I do not really know what the future brings or what will even happen tomorrow. I am not sure I would even wish to know this. One thing I know is I regret nothing that life has passed me. Sure I could have done things differently, and there may have been better way of handling certain circumstances. This I do not doubt. I have baggage just as anyone else may. This was mentioned in the walk to the top of Mt. Si. I have the baggage and honestly some of it I have not dealt with, it is in the back some where covered with dust and waiting for the time I am ready to deal with it. Did I mention I tend to bottle things up. And yes I know this is not the best way to handle things, but no matter how I try it none the less is the way I have my file system regulated. I rarely ever get pissed or angry with anyone. I can be quite emotional though and just about anything can get to me. My baggage though is my baggage and I set it for myself and a few people I feel I can give me advise and allow me to vent or cry or wander sentence after sentence.
I look at my life at this moment and I am happy. I have what I need and do most things I want. There are things I need to do like go back to school and find another job that I am happy with. These are things on my list that I need to work at. Then there is want. For everything that any one person can want, I am happy with what I have. I have a great house I live in, and I have 2 cars that are in decent shape. I have two wonderful roommates that are the rock behind my back. So what is missing? Well the one want, a boyfriend. Do not get me wrong, I want a boyfriend this is true, but I am far from settling for just a boyfriend, but I still want none the less. Sometimes I do wonder if this want gets too great will I settle for something less than I deserve. Mind you I am not trying to say anyone is less than deserving or anything associated with this thought other than it needs to be right. I absolutely hate dating. I hate the unknown, I hate the fact that I am so shy and introverted sometimes. Why am I this way. I am certainly not this way in a relationship. Mind you I have three the shortest being a year and a half. It is this whole get to you know you phase and trying to read the other person to what they are thinking and feeling. Why all the bull crap, Why can it not be easier, and why do I not have the guts to say hey what do you think of me, what do you want and where is this going? Why does everything have to change just because I like some guy and then my tongue gets twisted and my balls shrivel up to the point of wondering am I a man or what? This has happened with more than one person, and currently now when I come home at 2am.
to Quote someone " Especially at the end of the night, when I wasn't sure if I should drive home or stay there, sometimes it is hard to know what another person is thinking, I wish more people lead their lives and emotions a little more openly like I do, lol.
Do tell....I find myself in this same situation with this same person.....
Confuses does, confusion thus I am.