hiatus over; important statement on the new direction of this LJ

[cynthia_arrow]

A longish post (~1100 words) re: the state of me and of this journal. I'm summarizing outside the cut so you know the gist of it, because it's something you should know going forward, especially if we're just fandom friends.

Basically: This journal has never much been about my life, but I want it to be. And I want to interact more with you

Comments

[isis2015]

As someone who's still dealing with anxiety related issues (depression is about 10 years away from me now, but I've been there too), I have to say it's incredibly gratifying to hear about someone else's progress and the things that they're discovering about themselves and how they think. It was, and continues to be, incredibly freeing (at least for me) to understand more about myself and the way that I think. I don't think you've been distant at all, but it's wonderful to hear that you're feeling more social and proactive. :)

*big hugs*

[cynthia_arrow]

Aww, thanks for the cheerleading, darling! It's been such a journey of self-discovery for me, and I hope I've made some permanent changes that will help me deal better with stress in the future.

*squishes you*

[trovia]

Here's another depressed one. Ironically, as I've started feeling better after a bad year, my journaling has become less about my life and more about my writing. ;) It's curious to read about somebody who does it exactly the other way around. But it's always a good thing if it works, of course. It's lovely to read such good news on my flist.

I know we've never interacted much before, in fandom or otherwise, but feel free to come over to my LJ whenever you want. I'm always happy to get to know people.

[cynthia_arrow]

Weird, right? I guess for me it was that my depression was all about avoiding having to own up to and deal with what I was so worried about, so it was good to be existing in that fantasy world -- but at the same time working out my shit while having myself totally convinced I'm writing about someone else's life. Since I'm dealing with my inner angst on the surface now, I don't need to resort to self-deception and do my mental excavation by proxy, if that makes sense.

But I can totally see how it could work the other way. Depression drives you into yourself, and coming out of it gives you the mental space to pay attention to other things. I'm hoping that logic means I'll eventually get back to writing myself -- when I'm not terrified it's a coping mechanism, a sign something's wrong.

Thanks for replying to such a lengthy, personal post. I hope we'll be crossing paths more often. :)

[arabella_hope]

UGH. I finally, after all these years, have an appointment for the doctor myself -- in like a week. So seeing this post from you is kind of perfect timing, because I've been knotting myself up over addressing my fears about it in my own LJ.

I will tell you, though: Diverging interests or not, I've always considered you to be intelligent and well spoken and admired the fact that you really thought things out; that you tried to pick characters apart and wrote about it. Maybe working through things that way isn't the most terrible thing -- but I'm happy that you feel able to center more on yourself.

Anyways. I made it through bandom with you, so you know this isn't gonna drive me away. <3

[cynthia_arrow]

It can be a totally scary proposition talking about stuff like this. I happen to be one of those people who doesn't get nervous about sharing super personal stuff, but you shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to lay it all out there. But maybe you could lay *some* of it out, at least to your mutual friends. (And you know you can always hit me with an email about personal stuff, right? Especially this.) I hope you have a good, productive experience because you deserve it!

(And that's all I'm gonna say, because all that stuff you wrote about me? Makes me blush. ♥)

Ahaha, yes, the dreaded bandom plague. Which is not at all over, btw, lol. You are, indeed, a brave one. ;)

[zelda_zee]

No one who has met you in person could think of you as standoffish, and I don't think you're that way on LJ either, though you have been more open, I think, in person.

I'm just the opposite - way more open on LJ!

Interesting about your desire to write having gone away now that you are dealing with your depression and anxiety. Of course, I haven't read much of your fic since you got into bandom, so I suppose that makes it a bit easier to accept selfishly that there won't be more of it. That's okay - it's better that you're happy and healthy, you know? Originally I friended you for your fic (God, that seems like a long time ago!), but that's not the reason I'm still here.

[cynthia_arrow]

I don't feel like I'm less open on LJ, but I guess I seem so because I don't often talk about myself. When I do, though, I'm an oversharer. Just like IRL. ;)

You are, indeed, just the opposite. The first time we met, I was so surprised! I like both your online and real life selves.

Ah, me and my silly bandom. I figure if you've stuck with me through squeeing over tiny people in eyeliner, you're in it for the long haul. :)

I think I'm going to take a page from your book and try my hand at reccing. It would give me some impetus to read more. What are you reading these days?

[zelda_zee]

You talk about yourself on LJ, but yeah, not too much. Partly because, as you said, you just haven't been posting all that much lately.

I wish I could merge my LJ and RL selves - being shy in RL sucks. Idk why I'm not shy online, but I'm not, really.

Oh well, I figure bandom isn't any sillier than any other fandom. It's not for me, but who am I to judge?

These days I'm mostly reading SPN fic (various pairings) and Holmes 09 fic. I also read White Collar and very occasionally Lost and the rare RPS fic, if something catches my attention. I've gotten more and more picky about what I read though, which makes it difficult to find fic I like.

You should give reccing a try. I find it a nice way to spread the love and to promote the good stuff that's out there. Plus, if you're not going to be writing, it would be a way to stay connected to fandom - if that's what you want.

[cynthia_arrow]

I totally want to stay connected to fandom. I just have to shift the relationship I've always had with it. I've always thought about reccing, but I was always too lazy to. If I'm not writing, I have no excuse now.

I was going to watch White Collar, but by the time I caught up to it on Hulu, the first couple of episodes had already trailed off. But it's on my list for the future. I was reading Holmes right after the movie came out, but I've let that fandom fall by the wayside like I always do with fandoms that aren't for ongoing canon (I have the same problem with Harry Potter and American Idol Adam/Kris). Gotta get my ass back into Holmes/Watson, because it's awesomely hot!

[elliotsmelliot]

Just a quick note to say I look forward to seeing more of you around. But if not, that's okay too. Whatever happens I just hope you feel happy. *Hugs*

[cynthia_arrow]

Thanks, darling. ♥