hiatus over; important statement on the new direction of this LJ
A longish post (~1100 words) re: the state of me and of this journal. I'm summarizing outside the cut so you know the gist of it, because it's something you should know going forward, especially if we're just fandom friends.
Basically: This journal has never much been about my life, but I want it to be. And I want to interact more with you and keep up with what's going on in your lives. Fandom-wise, I'll still be squeeing like a good fangirl and reading fic, but I may not be writing much if at all. Therefore, if that's why you friended me, particularly for BSG, I won't be in the slightest offended if you cut me loose.
It turns out when you go through therapy -- for depression and the underlying anxiety that causes it, anxiety exacerbated by having been in grad school for the last seven years and counting -- and go on anti-depressants, it can really screw with the way your brain works. I mean that in the best possible way - I'm feeling more centered and productive and outgoing than I have in years, possibly ever, but it's also rendered me nearly unable to write fanfic. And I'm pretty okay with that.
It's not a block. There's no sense of deperate urgency, no feeling of frustrated desire. There's just…nothing. At first, I assumed it was the medication (and in some ways, it might be), but then I discovered I wasn't writing anymore because I didn't need to. I've always been one to work out my issues through my creative writing, even before fanfic, but I had no idea how absolutely saving it's been over the last five years until I feel what it was like to not need it like that anymore.
Everything I couldn't let myself feel or deal with came out in my stories; then, when the story world got just as anxiety-ridden as my life (hello, Lost and Battlestar Galactica!), I turned to an escapist fandom: band boys. Not that I'm knocking escapism as a perfectly wonderful, awesome thing or doubting the real power and helpfulness of expressing your emotions in writing. But for me, it was a symptom of a larger problem, and once I began to work on that problem, that symptomatic behavior just…went away.
I'm not saying I was never writing for its own sake. Even when I was carrying out this unconscious writing therapy, I was attentive to trying to stretch myself artistically. But it turns out that most of my writing was personally motivated, rather than motivated by artistic desires. What's the difference? When I have an emotion or mood which I immediately try to attach to a character, it's probably therapy. When I'm drawn to a compelling character or scenario, it's likely more artistically motivated. (I say "more" because even then I'm certainly likely to shift my attention to things that I relate to - which is human, I think.)
Anyway, lately I've felt little pull toward pouring out my inner angst through a character, which is why you haven't seen much fanfic from me. I have, though, found myself drawn to certain characters or intriguing storylines, and I have indeed written bits and pieces of things, drabbles mostly. When it comes down to it, though, I just can't figure out how to get back in the swing of writing, because the swing is entirely new, and I'm a little scared both of that newness and of backsliding into my old ways. I feel like I'll get back to real ficcing someday, but I have no idea when that will be. That's why the nature of this journal will change, and I hope for the better.
I don't post much about myself; I don't think I ever have. I used to find it really exhausting to talk about myself or my life, probably because I didn't want to stop and look at it too hard. This journal has always been interested in fandom, and that's not going to change. I might not be writing fic right now, but I'll be reading it and squeeing over our shows and writing inordinately complicated meta about them. But over the last few months, I've wanted more and more to make this journal about my life, too.
I thought it was just an impulse to diversify, and it is. Even during my all-bandom-all-the-time era, I wanted to make sure I had other things in common with my older friends. Now, though, it's because I want to think about my own life, if only in small reflective moments shared with you, and because, even more than that, I want to read more of your own reflections! The most surprising thing I discovered about myself during this therapy and medication process was how my depression made me so resistant to engaging with anything that I'd become unable to pay attention to other people's lives and needs because I couldn't engage with them. (Hell, I was even unwilling to engage with fictional people on the television. I spent the better part of a year avoiding my TV, even for Lost or BSG; maybe especially for those, actually, since I was so invested. Along with escapist bandom came escapist Dancing with the Stars and American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. But anyway…) I was spending so much time keeping up walls in my head, to prevent me from dealing with my feelings, that I had little time for anything else, certainly not for going out with friends or engaging with your LJ posts.
I hate that. I hate that people probably think I'm standoffish, because I'm absolutely not. And you guys are awesomely interesting people with great experiences and opinions to share with the world. Some of you are everyday LJers - you post everday and comment on others' posts. I want to join you in that and make everyday friends on LJ. So I'm promising two things from my journal, from here on out: 1) to read and comment on your posts a ton more and 2) to write a little something - and, yes, I do mean LITTLE - about my own life everyday. Expect to hear things like what me and my friends are doing, how my disseration is coming along, what I'm reading (currently, tons of Victorian novels), how I'm progressing with my newest and most serious foray into knitting (I'm halfway through my first sock!), what I'm watching (everything! OMG, it turns out I ADORE the television). Links, recs, pictures (if I can find myself a cheapish digital camera; no, I don't own one already; yes, I'm lame) - I don't even know what all. But I'm excited to find out.
I'm sorry if I've been distant and weird on LJ, especially over the last year or so. I hope I can become reacquainted with those of you I've lost touch with, and I hope I can get to know some of you I never have. To that end, If I haven't friended you back, but you'd like me to, please comment here and I will. If you were only ever here for the fic or to talk fandom - and I'm in no way judging you for that; there are many, many reasons to be friended to someone's journal - then, happy trails until we meet again.
Basically: This journal has never much been about my life, but I want it to be. And I want to interact more with you and keep up with what's going on in your lives. Fandom-wise, I'll still be squeeing like a good fangirl and reading fic, but I may not be writing much if at all. Therefore, if that's why you friended me, particularly for BSG, I won't be in the slightest offended if you cut me loose.
It turns out when you go through therapy -- for depression and the underlying anxiety that causes it, anxiety exacerbated by having been in grad school for the last seven years and counting -- and go on anti-depressants, it can really screw with the way your brain works. I mean that in the best possible way - I'm feeling more centered and productive and outgoing than I have in years, possibly ever, but it's also rendered me nearly unable to write fanfic. And I'm pretty okay with that.
It's not a block. There's no sense of deperate urgency, no feeling of frustrated desire. There's just…nothing. At first, I assumed it was the medication (and in some ways, it might be), but then I discovered I wasn't writing anymore because I didn't need to. I've always been one to work out my issues through my creative writing, even before fanfic, but I had no idea how absolutely saving it's been over the last five years until I feel what it was like to not need it like that anymore.
Everything I couldn't let myself feel or deal with came out in my stories; then, when the story world got just as anxiety-ridden as my life (hello, Lost and Battlestar Galactica!), I turned to an escapist fandom: band boys. Not that I'm knocking escapism as a perfectly wonderful, awesome thing or doubting the real power and helpfulness of expressing your emotions in writing. But for me, it was a symptom of a larger problem, and once I began to work on that problem, that symptomatic behavior just…went away.
I'm not saying I was never writing for its own sake. Even when I was carrying out this unconscious writing therapy, I was attentive to trying to stretch myself artistically. But it turns out that most of my writing was personally motivated, rather than motivated by artistic desires. What's the difference? When I have an emotion or mood which I immediately try to attach to a character, it's probably therapy. When I'm drawn to a compelling character or scenario, it's likely more artistically motivated. (I say "more" because even then I'm certainly likely to shift my attention to things that I relate to - which is human, I think.)
Anyway, lately I've felt little pull toward pouring out my inner angst through a character, which is why you haven't seen much fanfic from me. I have, though, found myself drawn to certain characters or intriguing storylines, and I have indeed written bits and pieces of things, drabbles mostly. When it comes down to it, though, I just can't figure out how to get back in the swing of writing, because the swing is entirely new, and I'm a little scared both of that newness and of backsliding into my old ways. I feel like I'll get back to real ficcing someday, but I have no idea when that will be. That's why the nature of this journal will change, and I hope for the better.
I don't post much about myself; I don't think I ever have. I used to find it really exhausting to talk about myself or my life, probably because I didn't want to stop and look at it too hard. This journal has always been interested in fandom, and that's not going to change. I might not be writing fic right now, but I'll be reading it and squeeing over our shows and writing inordinately complicated meta about them. But over the last few months, I've wanted more and more to make this journal about my life, too.
I thought it was just an impulse to diversify, and it is. Even during my all-bandom-all-the-time era, I wanted to make sure I had other things in common with my older friends. Now, though, it's because I want to think about my own life, if only in small reflective moments shared with you, and because, even more than that, I want to read more of your own reflections! The most surprising thing I discovered about myself during this therapy and medication process was how my depression made me so resistant to engaging with anything that I'd become unable to pay attention to other people's lives and needs because I couldn't engage with them. (Hell, I was even unwilling to engage with fictional people on the television. I spent the better part of a year avoiding my TV, even for Lost or BSG; maybe especially for those, actually, since I was so invested. Along with escapist bandom came escapist Dancing with the Stars and American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. But anyway…) I was spending so much time keeping up walls in my head, to prevent me from dealing with my feelings, that I had little time for anything else, certainly not for going out with friends or engaging with your LJ posts.
I hate that. I hate that people probably think I'm standoffish, because I'm absolutely not. And you guys are awesomely interesting people with great experiences and opinions to share with the world. Some of you are everyday LJers - you post everday and comment on others' posts. I want to join you in that and make everyday friends on LJ. So I'm promising two things from my journal, from here on out: 1) to read and comment on your posts a ton more and 2) to write a little something - and, yes, I do mean LITTLE - about my own life everyday. Expect to hear things like what me and my friends are doing, how my disseration is coming along, what I'm reading (currently, tons of Victorian novels), how I'm progressing with my newest and most serious foray into knitting (I'm halfway through my first sock!), what I'm watching (everything! OMG, it turns out I ADORE the television). Links, recs, pictures (if I can find myself a cheapish digital camera; no, I don't own one already; yes, I'm lame) - I don't even know what all. But I'm excited to find out.
I'm sorry if I've been distant and weird on LJ, especially over the last year or so. I hope I can become reacquainted with those of you I've lost touch with, and I hope I can get to know some of you I never have. To that end, If I haven't friended you back, but you'd like me to, please comment here and I will. If you were only ever here for the fic or to talk fandom - and I'm in no way judging you for that; there are many, many reasons to be friended to someone's journal - then, happy trails until we meet again.