How much of my life has no meaning?
So. I just got off the phone with my dad. He called probably looking for my mom, but i didn't pick up the phone the first time, because i was still partially asleep and thought she would do it. He had to call a second time, and this time i picked up. Assuming my mother wasn't home, he switched his focus to me, and demanded to know why i hadn't picked summer courses this year. I told him the truth, that i missed the registration date, and that i had an advising appointment that properly outlines a plan to finish my degree in 2 years. what happens then? he explodes. he starts yelling. 'why are you always like this', he says. 'it'll be the same next year, and the year after, you'll keep missing the date then too i suppose, huh? and you keep distracting me with these little things. you're really busy working on an english course, or working on a newspaper; that's just petty stuff to do when you have time. you have no objectivity. just sitting around or going out with your little friends, having drinks, you think that's fun and games and a good life for you? when will you change? do i have to tell you again that i'll threaten to pull out financially and leave you on your own? it's like this every time, and just don't respond to me, and if you're not going to respond then i have no point of cotinuing.'
so he hangs up on me.
i don't know what to say to that. he's right about one thing, i am lazy that way, and procrastinate still, even if i am getting better. of course, he doesn't realize that working on the lexicon is a big thing for me, nor does he realize that if people sign up for the english course i'm constructing, it could become an annual thing that i could teach every summer. opportunities are opening up for me; after working on the lexicon, i figure it'll look very pretty on my resume, and i'll have some weight when i apply to other writing jobs, work my way up. but he doesn't realize that. i've never asked him what he wanted, but he's always asking for a solidified 'plan', like i'm expected to do a pincer maneuver on the world, to emerge victorious and successful. it's always with the plan, no matter what happens. fine. by now i've been yelled at so much and so often that i'm numb to what he screams into my ear, and i've stopped caring about what he says. he wants to retire early, and come back to canada. he doesn't want to work any more. he wants both his kids to have jobs and be sucessful, so he can stop looking after them. i think it would be a good idea if he stopped looking after me. nothing really good has ever come out of him sticking his nose into my affairs, nor has it been good for me whether he was here or not. whenever he does come to canada to visit, he comes to visit my mother, which is fine because he should. objectivity. maybe he's right about that too...but it doesn't mean i'll stop everything. i can't let a petty thing like my father stand in my way. i don't need him. he's not good at what he does, parenting has never been one of his strong suits, and never will. bad father. makes me wonder how i'll treat my kids. I can't go back to sleep. It's a little hard to drift back to sleep when your father's just told you how useless you are to him.
so he hangs up on me.
i don't know what to say to that. he's right about one thing, i am lazy that way, and procrastinate still, even if i am getting better. of course, he doesn't realize that working on the lexicon is a big thing for me, nor does he realize that if people sign up for the english course i'm constructing, it could become an annual thing that i could teach every summer. opportunities are opening up for me; after working on the lexicon, i figure it'll look very pretty on my resume, and i'll have some weight when i apply to other writing jobs, work my way up. but he doesn't realize that. i've never asked him what he wanted, but he's always asking for a solidified 'plan', like i'm expected to do a pincer maneuver on the world, to emerge victorious and successful. it's always with the plan, no matter what happens. fine. by now i've been yelled at so much and so often that i'm numb to what he screams into my ear, and i've stopped caring about what he says. he wants to retire early, and come back to canada. he doesn't want to work any more. he wants both his kids to have jobs and be sucessful, so he can stop looking after them. i think it would be a good idea if he stopped looking after me. nothing really good has ever come out of him sticking his nose into my affairs, nor has it been good for me whether he was here or not. whenever he does come to canada to visit, he comes to visit my mother, which is fine because he should. objectivity. maybe he's right about that too...but it doesn't mean i'll stop everything. i can't let a petty thing like my father stand in my way. i don't need him. he's not good at what he does, parenting has never been one of his strong suits, and never will. bad father. makes me wonder how i'll treat my kids. I can't go back to sleep. It's a little hard to drift back to sleep when your father's just told you how useless you are to him.