I'm Worth It (I Think)
Yesterday I had a conversation with my mother that went something like this.
Me: "Hey, did you want a copy of Entertainment Weekly? My book is in it."
Mom: "Oh. Okay."
Me: "Entertainment Weekly. You know, that really popular magazine?"
Mom: "Oh. Right."
Me: "My book is in it. Isn't that . . . exciting?"
Mom: "Well. You've been in so many things."
Me: "Yes. But this is EW. It's a pretty big deal. Like, 2 million people in the country read it."
Mom: "Well. But there are like, 200 million people in the country. So that's really not all that many."
Me: "..."
You have to understand that my mom is someone who gets more worked up and excited when a new season of 24 starts. Who has no clue what to do at 4pm now that Oprah is not on every day. Who likes her entertainment. And yet, her own daughter being in a national entertainment magazine...it's no big deal. So I spent a good part of last night wondering what the hell I have to do to make her proud of me.
And then I realized that me telling people my successes in hopes that they'll see me more worthwhile is a fruitless pursuit. Because nobody in this world gives a crap about me more than I do. I guess that's pretty much the way it is for everyone. And so I need to be my own biggest cheerleader and stop thinking I need other people to make me feel good about myself. Every little step along this journey, I've celebrated my success only half-heartedly, because after only a few moments of glee, I reduced myself. "Yeah. You got an agent, but have you published a book yet?" "Yeah, you sold that book. But it doesn't make you a career novelist." "Yeah, you have books out. But they're not bestsellers."
This summer I ended up stuck in a giant corn maze in the middle of Lancaster, PA, for fun. You have to find a bunch of puzzle pieces first, scattered all over the field, before you can find your way out. It occurred to me while navigating the paths, looking for treasures, that this is a little like a writer's journey. There's many different ways to be successful. You might not find all the treasures before you reach the end, and probably when you're done, as much as it is a relief, you'll wish you could have stayed longer to find them. I never look at other writers who are trying to get published and think, "Oh, those nobodies." I think, like most authors do, that they are just newer to the maze. Eventually they may catch up to me, eventually they may even pass me. And that's a good thing... but probably not if they need people to sit on the sidelines and applaud them when they reach that treasure. Sure, it's nice to have people happy about my success... but to need that, to absolutely have to have that validation to feel good about myself... there's something wrong.
So I guess from now on, I'm going to keep chanting to myself "I'm awesome" so I don't have to seek approval from the rest of the world. If you see me with my lips moving, you'll know I'm not crazy. Okay, actually, I am crazy, but at least you will know what I am doing.:)
Events News:
I'm doing PAYA in Westchester, PA, next weekend, Saturday, August 27. Come on out and meet over a dozen YA authors!
I also will be doing the Princeton Children's Book Festival and a signing with the KidLit Author Club at Doylestown Books in September. More info on that to come.
Me: "Hey, did you want a copy of Entertainment Weekly? My book is in it."
Mom: "Oh. Okay."
Me: "Entertainment Weekly. You know, that really popular magazine?"
Mom: "Oh. Right."
Me: "My book is in it. Isn't that . . . exciting?"
Mom: "Well. You've been in so many things."
Me: "Yes. But this is EW. It's a pretty big deal. Like, 2 million people in the country read it."
Mom: "Well. But there are like, 200 million people in the country. So that's really not all that many."
Me: "..."
You have to understand that my mom is someone who gets more worked up and excited when a new season of 24 starts. Who has no clue what to do at 4pm now that Oprah is not on every day. Who likes her entertainment. And yet, her own daughter being in a national entertainment magazine...it's no big deal. So I spent a good part of last night wondering what the hell I have to do to make her proud of me.
And then I realized that me telling people my successes in hopes that they'll see me more worthwhile is a fruitless pursuit. Because nobody in this world gives a crap about me more than I do. I guess that's pretty much the way it is for everyone. And so I need to be my own biggest cheerleader and stop thinking I need other people to make me feel good about myself. Every little step along this journey, I've celebrated my success only half-heartedly, because after only a few moments of glee, I reduced myself. "Yeah. You got an agent, but have you published a book yet?" "Yeah, you sold that book. But it doesn't make you a career novelist." "Yeah, you have books out. But they're not bestsellers."
This summer I ended up stuck in a giant corn maze in the middle of Lancaster, PA, for fun. You have to find a bunch of puzzle pieces first, scattered all over the field, before you can find your way out. It occurred to me while navigating the paths, looking for treasures, that this is a little like a writer's journey. There's many different ways to be successful. You might not find all the treasures before you reach the end, and probably when you're done, as much as it is a relief, you'll wish you could have stayed longer to find them. I never look at other writers who are trying to get published and think, "Oh, those nobodies." I think, like most authors do, that they are just newer to the maze. Eventually they may catch up to me, eventually they may even pass me. And that's a good thing... but probably not if they need people to sit on the sidelines and applaud them when they reach that treasure. Sure, it's nice to have people happy about my success... but to need that, to absolutely have to have that validation to feel good about myself... there's something wrong.
So I guess from now on, I'm going to keep chanting to myself "I'm awesome" so I don't have to seek approval from the rest of the world. If you see me with my lips moving, you'll know I'm not crazy. Okay, actually, I am crazy, but at least you will know what I am doing.:)
Events News:
I'm doing PAYA in Westchester, PA, next weekend, Saturday, August 27. Come on out and meet over a dozen YA authors!
I also will be doing the Princeton Children's Book Festival and a signing with the KidLit Author Club at Doylestown Books in September. More info on that to come.