(no subject)
So it's no secret that I've kind of let myself go the past few months. Well, year, really - but it got more advanced over the summer. I've had a few people (mainly my parents) come to me and ask me if everything's cool, or if I'm depressed, or what the deal is - because I was not like this (physically/emotionally/behaviorally) up until the past couple of months.
I started getting super comfortable with myself somewhere in the middle of the school year last year. My group of friends was really solid, and I mean, it wasn't so much that I wasn't taking care of myself as I just didn't feel the need to be conscious of things I was normally really aware of prior. Not that I became a slob, but my goals went from being achieved above and beyond to just sort of being achieved with minimal effort. I got lazy, really, and so I kind of crutched on the people around me and, of course, the herb.
A lot of people (mainly my parents..) have been asking me how I could let myself 'get this way.' The thing is, even though I looked ten times better a year ago? I FEEL so much better now. I'm a lot more secure in who I am, and with my personality, and it's kind of new. I was doing things to get and stay thin the past few years to keep from feeling worse about myself, and so that I could get approval from people around me. Now I realize the only person I really have to get approval from is me.
So.. I want to make some changes. This whole summer I've pretty much been sitting in my parents (if I'm not sitting at my parents house) doing a whole lot of nothing. Getting stoned, being mellow all day, only leaving to go to the store. It's really been a really, REALLY boring life. For some reason though I've been allowing myself to do it, without a job, without any money to spend, wallowing in my own self pity (or, doing what I was doing to try NOT to do that).
While I'm more comfortable with myself now, I want to start getting back in shape again -- for me. And that sounds pretty lame, because people always told me I have to do it for me and no one else. I didn't really believe that at the time - because come on, everyone says that - but now I sort of get it. I felt healthier and better in general when I was thinner, so I'm going to be doing that.
However, I haven't been completely counterproductive. I've done two photo shoots so far this summer, with a third and fourth floating around on the schedule tentatively. My parents huge party pig roast deal is on August 5th, which will be pretty sweet... y'all should come. 4+ kegs, bonfire, live band, lots of food.. a pool... good times. Then a week or so later I'm going to be filming on location for a documentary on John Hughes. Netflix is doing this 'famous movies in famous places' campaign in August, so they're showing movies in/around why/where they're famous. I'm shooting the screening of Ferris Bueller's Day Off at the Save Ferris Watertower.. it should be pretty cool. You can check out the documentary's website here. I'm shooting it for Matt Austin, Canadian filmmaker/actor/writer.. who some of you might remember as Power Rangers SPD's Green Ranger. Sweet deal.
Anyway, the bottom line is that yeah - I've been in a funk the past few weeks because of certain things that are going on. Am I figuring it out? Yeah. Am I going to get better? Probably. It's just a matter of sort of dealing with things and admitting to yourself when things just aren't turning out the way they should.
Starting tomorrow I'm going to get back on track, and try and get things figured out for the next few months. I want to be a lot busier during the year, which means I want to be hanging out with more people, getting involved with some productions (musicals, films..), and whatever else I can do to keep busy. I'd like to date, but.. we'll see how that turns out.
Wish me luck.. and I'll check in about it in awhile.
I started getting super comfortable with myself somewhere in the middle of the school year last year. My group of friends was really solid, and I mean, it wasn't so much that I wasn't taking care of myself as I just didn't feel the need to be conscious of things I was normally really aware of prior. Not that I became a slob, but my goals went from being achieved above and beyond to just sort of being achieved with minimal effort. I got lazy, really, and so I kind of crutched on the people around me and, of course, the herb.
A lot of people (mainly my parents..) have been asking me how I could let myself 'get this way.' The thing is, even though I looked ten times better a year ago? I FEEL so much better now. I'm a lot more secure in who I am, and with my personality, and it's kind of new. I was doing things to get and stay thin the past few years to keep from feeling worse about myself, and so that I could get approval from people around me. Now I realize the only person I really have to get approval from is me.
So.. I want to make some changes. This whole summer I've pretty much been sitting in my parents (if I'm not sitting at my parents house) doing a whole lot of nothing. Getting stoned, being mellow all day, only leaving to go to the store. It's really been a really, REALLY boring life. For some reason though I've been allowing myself to do it, without a job, without any money to spend, wallowing in my own self pity (or, doing what I was doing to try NOT to do that).
While I'm more comfortable with myself now, I want to start getting back in shape again -- for me. And that sounds pretty lame, because people always told me I have to do it for me and no one else. I didn't really believe that at the time - because come on, everyone says that - but now I sort of get it. I felt healthier and better in general when I was thinner, so I'm going to be doing that.
However, I haven't been completely counterproductive. I've done two photo shoots so far this summer, with a third and fourth floating around on the schedule tentatively. My parents huge party pig roast deal is on August 5th, which will be pretty sweet... y'all should come. 4+ kegs, bonfire, live band, lots of food.. a pool... good times. Then a week or so later I'm going to be filming on location for a documentary on John Hughes. Netflix is doing this 'famous movies in famous places' campaign in August, so they're showing movies in/around why/where they're famous. I'm shooting the screening of Ferris Bueller's Day Off at the Save Ferris Watertower.. it should be pretty cool. You can check out the documentary's website here. I'm shooting it for Matt Austin, Canadian filmmaker/actor/writer.. who some of you might remember as Power Rangers SPD's Green Ranger. Sweet deal.
Anyway, the bottom line is that yeah - I've been in a funk the past few weeks because of certain things that are going on. Am I figuring it out? Yeah. Am I going to get better? Probably. It's just a matter of sort of dealing with things and admitting to yourself when things just aren't turning out the way they should.
Starting tomorrow I'm going to get back on track, and try and get things figured out for the next few months. I want to be a lot busier during the year, which means I want to be hanging out with more people, getting involved with some productions (musicals, films..), and whatever else I can do to keep busy. I'd like to date, but.. we'll see how that turns out.
Wish me luck.. and I'll check in about it in awhile.