Some things, you're not sure you want to share.
Maybe this is one of them. As of late, I've been being told I'm 'very Aries'. One of those traits is frankness. I'm honest with certain things.. not so honest with others (not bad things - but things such as true feelings, etc. - like anyone). As some of my closest friends have observed and something that I did not note in my Year in Review/Letter of Truth entry was a huge battle in the past year with eating disorders. Most everyone who reads this on a regular basis knows I am always dealing with self-image issues, and eating disorders have been on/off ever since I started losing weight in mid-2002, though back then it was more of an anorexia, though technically it would qualify as bulimia (excessive exercise is medically considered to be 'purging'). Anyway.. the problems were never as persistant as they were last year. I wasn't eating much first semester at Ithaca, and dropped 20 lbs.. some of which I gained back over winter break, and ever since second semester it's been back and forth between different extremes. In the last year I've been anorexic (especially for the first month I lived in the city), bulimic (on and off for most of the year, would stop everytime I started doing it involuntarily or my throat got chronically sore), basically in any way possible. Not eating. Or binging and purging. Or not eating and just drinking. Or even laxatives.
The bottom line is that for the last month I've been okay. I've been eating fruits and vegetables and eating fairly well, but still not as well as I could have (I'm getting there, though). I need to start going to the gym again (seeing as I'm paying $83/mo. for it..). The thing is, I'm not sure at this point if the reason I haven't is actually because I don't want to, or I feel continuing at this point would be dangerous. I went to the dentist, and I have great teeth - a retainer in fourth grade did wonders, and apparently my teeth are fairly white too. However, the nurse assistant who cleans my teeth, she made a remark like, "There's an unusual amount of tartar build-up behind your teeth since the last time I saw you.." and really didn't say much more. I flossed fine, and my teeth looked fine, but I guess I would never have noticed anything like that, and it was sort of like, "Oh.. I should probably not do that anymore."
I'm not really quite sure why I'm talking about this here, but I figure talking about it will discourage others from doing it and motivate me to actually keep going with it. Sometimes people never know that people around them have a problem, or they look past it. Or people read about these disorders and don't think they'll ever have it, or know anyone who does. I know, I was one of them. I thought that it was a joke at first, but it's really not. I like having working organs, and teeth, and a voice. A good body is nothing without that.
Speaking of appearance, here's a photo collage of me in the months of the past year. Looking at it makes me yearn for the more anorexic life, which was around January when I looked much thinner. Can't think about that. Anyway, after that is my most recent pic. w00t.
That being said.. everyone who didn't fill out my survey sucks. I know more than six people actually read this.. so poop to all of you who were too damn lazy, and thanks to Harold, Casey Doody, Will, Jo, Karen, and Ryan Barrows for actually taking time to show you care. I'll look at the survey results and post back about them in comparison to the others from a few months back, but a few things didn't change that I anticipated - the whole body image thing.
And the whole "Would you date me?" question. That is one thing I'll never, ever understand. Everyone talks about (not just in those surveys, but in general) how much fun I am and how they like to hang around me, and how great of a guy I am, and how I shouldn't be self-conscious because I'm so cute.. but hello? I'm the friend, always. I'm not complaining, I just don't understand why that is at all. Isn't a boyfriend someone who's basically a best friend with something more? Is it that I'm cute, but not physically attractive? I'm not sure I get it. All I know is that I'm everyone's friend, and everyone wants it to stay that way. What am I doing wrong that none of these many people I have so much in common with and who think I'm so great would ever want to date me? It's not promising.
I know I would do more positive entries, but I think this one was pertinent to post regardless.
The bottom line is that for the last month I've been okay. I've been eating fruits and vegetables and eating fairly well, but still not as well as I could have (I'm getting there, though). I need to start going to the gym again (seeing as I'm paying $83/mo. for it..). The thing is, I'm not sure at this point if the reason I haven't is actually because I don't want to, or I feel continuing at this point would be dangerous. I went to the dentist, and I have great teeth - a retainer in fourth grade did wonders, and apparently my teeth are fairly white too. However, the nurse assistant who cleans my teeth, she made a remark like, "There's an unusual amount of tartar build-up behind your teeth since the last time I saw you.." and really didn't say much more. I flossed fine, and my teeth looked fine, but I guess I would never have noticed anything like that, and it was sort of like, "Oh.. I should probably not do that anymore."
I'm not really quite sure why I'm talking about this here, but I figure talking about it will discourage others from doing it and motivate me to actually keep going with it. Sometimes people never know that people around them have a problem, or they look past it. Or people read about these disorders and don't think they'll ever have it, or know anyone who does. I know, I was one of them. I thought that it was a joke at first, but it's really not. I like having working organs, and teeth, and a voice. A good body is nothing without that.
Speaking of appearance, here's a photo collage of me in the months of the past year. Looking at it makes me yearn for the more anorexic life, which was around January when I looked much thinner. Can't think about that. Anyway, after that is my most recent pic. w00t.
That being said.. everyone who didn't fill out my survey sucks. I know more than six people actually read this.. so poop to all of you who were too damn lazy, and thanks to Harold, Casey Doody, Will, Jo, Karen, and Ryan Barrows for actually taking time to show you care. I'll look at the survey results and post back about them in comparison to the others from a few months back, but a few things didn't change that I anticipated - the whole body image thing.
And the whole "Would you date me?" question. That is one thing I'll never, ever understand. Everyone talks about (not just in those surveys, but in general) how much fun I am and how they like to hang around me, and how great of a guy I am, and how I shouldn't be self-conscious because I'm so cute.. but hello? I'm the friend, always. I'm not complaining, I just don't understand why that is at all. Isn't a boyfriend someone who's basically a best friend with something more? Is it that I'm cute, but not physically attractive? I'm not sure I get it. All I know is that I'm everyone's friend, and everyone wants it to stay that way. What am I doing wrong that none of these many people I have so much in common with and who think I'm so great would ever want to date me? It's not promising.
I know I would do more positive entries, but I think this one was pertinent to post regardless.