Backstreet's Back: A Year In Review
Let's not pretend that this entry was started a week ago today. Okay, start pretending.
The title is only what it is because MTV: Party to Go 1999 needed to be played immediately upon discovery. It's hard to believe it's been a year already. It's hard to believe it was that long ago that I discovered Boystown. New Years Eve of last year I came to my first party here, my first 'gay' party ever. Oddly enough, the building it was at is right next door and I can jump to the balcony I stood on while beer from the keg fell on Joe.
As I prepared to write this entry, I looked at my past entries, the earliest on record being mid-January. I've got to say, going through them.. it was awful to read. They were repetitively depressive and talked about how unhappy I was, and how I wanted something else.. and I hated reading it. It was horrible. Some of them I just sounded crazy in, and other ones I just sounded crazier. It got better as the year went on up to this point, but being able to see what I was writing that way.. it made me realize just how far I've come and how much I've grown, whether or not I see and believe it. When I came back from visiting Ithaca at the beginning of December, I realized that in spite of what I fooled myself into thinking, I was happy there. I just buried my actual emotions under the tons of complaints about being lonely. I was trying so hard to find something that I wanted to be there that I couldn't see what was actually right in front of me. But more of that later.
This year has been one of the biggest years in my life thus far, and though the original intention was to break it down by month ala Anne, I couldn't deal with it, seeing as it was too hard and I couldn't remember anything that way, and Jennifer Love Hewitt kept singing "How Do I Deal?" Can't deal with it Jennifer Love Hewitt! Here's January anyway.
January 2004
I moved up Campus to live by myself, seperating myself from the horrible roommate situation I found myself in first semester. Moving to where I moved to allowed me to continue talking to Kati and hanging out with her almost nightly. I introduced her to Queer as Folk, and now all the Carlings wish they were Brian Kinney.. especially Missy. Perhaps the biggest thing to happen this month was coming out to my parents (Click Here for full entry). I was with Harold and Anne, and they were playing video games, and we were in the main room of the suite. It was some horrible Nintendo game, meaning awesome. Anyway, I was so much stronger with it than I ever thought I'd be. My mom ended up having several breakdowns over the next few weeks, but I was away at school when this all happened. It was really rough on my family because my mom took it pretty hard.. she had told everyone she felt like I died, and even though the weeks leading up to the discovery made it pretty inevitable, I still wasn't really ready for it. Who is, I suppose. By now, she's come to terms with it, but at the time I never thought she'd speak to me again. She went from telling me how she won't ever accept me to getting me a Britney Calendar and DVD for Christmas.. what a difference a year makes.
From the East Coast to the Midwest
Making the decision to leave Ithaca after March was easy for me. That's what I thought, anyway. All the friends I was actually close with while I was there were going to be moving in all seperate directions. I wanted to be in the city. I put all the tranfers through to Columbia College here in Chicago, and everything seemed like it would be fine. I wrapped up the last of my classes (props to Krista Scott's acting class STILL - that is still my favorite class of all time), and started to pack my things. When it was time to say my goodbyes though.. that's when I started doubting what I'd done. Having to say goodbye to all those people was one of the hardest things I've done. I shed a bunch of tears, and hugged a lot of people I never wanted to let go. I got through it though, promising myself and others that I would be back as soon as I could to come visit... and I did. I visited the first weekend of December, about 7 months after I had last left.. and it was eerie. People had changed and looked different, but they were all still my friends. Kati, Katie (twinnie), people in the suite-circle, Amy, Jenna (still <3 you for the emergency ride), John Lear, Ryan Barrows.. everyone (I keep trying to remember and list people.. trust me, if you're reading this, you're included). It seemed I was even closer with some of them than when I'd left.. see also, Harold.. the coolest man alive. What was interesting was getting out of my Chicago mindset. It took the first two days to really shake my rigidly-cut set of beliefs I had from Chicago and realize that looks weren't always the most important thing in Ithaca.. and once I did realize that, it made everything that much better. I felt hot at the pop star party. I felt sexy. And not just because of black jacket guy.. hookers. ;) I realized going back that Ithaca was a great place for me.. but it was a realization I never could have made without leaving and coming back. I don't regret my desicison, but I do miss seeing the people I saw every day. To think that I met most of those people as a result of talking to Jayson over livejournal.. that's fucked up, in a good way. I'm hoping to visit again in early February when everyone's less busy.. but I mean, Ithaca is like another home to me, I know it won't be that way next year, since a majority of people are graduating, and this next visit might be my last for a long time. Ithaca was a huge part of this last year.. it made me realize who I was (twice), showed me that who I was is okay, and that appearances don't always mean everything.. above other things. It's hard to put a label on something that's meant so much to you, but long story short.. I don't regret going, I don't regret leaving, I just value the time I spent there.
Maybe I'll transfer to USC (So. Cal.) or NYU after another year or two, but for now I'm satisfied where I am. Straight A's, anyone?
The Odd Couple
This is a title that definitely does -not- refer to Ryan (my roommate) and I. There are probably no two people with so many fundamental likenesses and extreme differences. I'm not sure how it works out, but we rock. We've had four parties in four months, and I really couldn't ask for a better roommate. If we have fights or disagreements they're over before the day is, and it's just awesome. haha.. Toxic Halloween.. all I have to say. I was just lucky he came along when he did. I was supposed to have another roommate, but then when it came time to start looking for places things fell through with him and I was in a bad situation. My parents told me it was either find a roommate or commute from home.. and as anyone who's lived away from home will tell you, there's no going back. I was telling Ryan about it and he's like, "Oh yeah, I have to move out of my place in July, do you want to room together?" And here we are. The apartment rocks, especially for what we pay, and I'm just really happy with the situation. The more I thought about it, the more I realized what a disaster the other situation would have been.. if I think Ryan and I can be dramatic at times.. oh man. I'm even starting to decorate my room.. :-x Who knows what'll happen when our lease is up, but for now things are awesome.. Ryan's a great guy.
Nip/Tuck
I still can't believe I got lipo. Cosmetic surgery. Elective procedures done before I turn 20. I am thus obsessed and want tons more done, and am completely and utterly satisfied with everything about me physically. But hey! I'm sort on a new diet now, eating better/less, and will hopefully look presentable. I need to get to the gym more often, but so can everyone else.. I just want more work done, period. That's all I'm going to say about that. It's been almost six months, and I'm still not healed, and have fucked up nerve endings in the lipo'd areas.. but hey, you have to sarcrifice something.
Of note..
I've had a few firsts this year.. including my first car accident (three cars total.. hott), first time being an extra in a gay movie (next year's gay and lesbian film festival), first real concert (Josh Groban), and first time falling in love (nobody knows who..). Or, at least, realizing something was love. It's also been the year of Britney for me.. between Toxic and everything else, I've become all the gays I've ever mocked who are completely in love with Britney. And it shows no signs of stopping.
I kind of rushed the last entries because Harold was yelling at me.. but I think that's pretty much everything. Now, I'm gonna include this survey I posted here a few months ago.. and I want as many people to fill it out and reply with it as possible. Be brutally honest. If you don't have a live journal, answer anonymously but sign your name somewhere. I will compare it to what was said months ago when it was first done.
Good luck to everyone this year.. here's to another radical change. ;)
1. My name:
2. Where did we meet?:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?:
5. How well do you know me?:
6. Do I smoke?:
7. Do I believe in God?:
8. When you first saw me what was your impression?:
9. My age:
10. Birthday:
11. Color hair:
12. Color eyes:
13. Do I have any siblings?:
14. What's one of my favorite things to do?:
15. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?:
16. What's my favorite type of music?:
17. What is the best feature about me?
18. Am I shy or outgoing?:
19. Would you say I am funny?:
20. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?:
21. Any Special Talents?:
22. Would you consider me a friend?:
23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, homie, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
24. Have you ever seen me cry?:
25. Do I drink?:
27. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?
28. On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the highest) how good of friends are we?
29. Do you want this to change?
30. Am I a good friend?
31. What are my best qualities?
32. Am I attractive?
33. Would you ever date me?
34. Whats one of my downfalls? (answer this honestly-no one is perfect)
35. Describe me in one word -
The title is only what it is because MTV: Party to Go 1999 needed to be played immediately upon discovery. It's hard to believe it's been a year already. It's hard to believe it was that long ago that I discovered Boystown. New Years Eve of last year I came to my first party here, my first 'gay' party ever. Oddly enough, the building it was at is right next door and I can jump to the balcony I stood on while beer from the keg fell on Joe.
As I prepared to write this entry, I looked at my past entries, the earliest on record being mid-January. I've got to say, going through them.. it was awful to read. They were repetitively depressive and talked about how unhappy I was, and how I wanted something else.. and I hated reading it. It was horrible. Some of them I just sounded crazy in, and other ones I just sounded crazier. It got better as the year went on up to this point, but being able to see what I was writing that way.. it made me realize just how far I've come and how much I've grown, whether or not I see and believe it. When I came back from visiting Ithaca at the beginning of December, I realized that in spite of what I fooled myself into thinking, I was happy there. I just buried my actual emotions under the tons of complaints about being lonely. I was trying so hard to find something that I wanted to be there that I couldn't see what was actually right in front of me. But more of that later.
This year has been one of the biggest years in my life thus far, and though the original intention was to break it down by month ala Anne, I couldn't deal with it, seeing as it was too hard and I couldn't remember anything that way, and Jennifer Love Hewitt kept singing "How Do I Deal?" Can't deal with it Jennifer Love Hewitt! Here's January anyway.
January 2004
I moved up Campus to live by myself, seperating myself from the horrible roommate situation I found myself in first semester. Moving to where I moved to allowed me to continue talking to Kati and hanging out with her almost nightly. I introduced her to Queer as Folk, and now all the Carlings wish they were Brian Kinney.. especially Missy. Perhaps the biggest thing to happen this month was coming out to my parents (Click Here for full entry). I was with Harold and Anne, and they were playing video games, and we were in the main room of the suite. It was some horrible Nintendo game, meaning awesome. Anyway, I was so much stronger with it than I ever thought I'd be. My mom ended up having several breakdowns over the next few weeks, but I was away at school when this all happened. It was really rough on my family because my mom took it pretty hard.. she had told everyone she felt like I died, and even though the weeks leading up to the discovery made it pretty inevitable, I still wasn't really ready for it. Who is, I suppose. By now, she's come to terms with it, but at the time I never thought she'd speak to me again. She went from telling me how she won't ever accept me to getting me a Britney Calendar and DVD for Christmas.. what a difference a year makes.
From the East Coast to the Midwest
Making the decision to leave Ithaca after March was easy for me. That's what I thought, anyway. All the friends I was actually close with while I was there were going to be moving in all seperate directions. I wanted to be in the city. I put all the tranfers through to Columbia College here in Chicago, and everything seemed like it would be fine. I wrapped up the last of my classes (props to Krista Scott's acting class STILL - that is still my favorite class of all time), and started to pack my things. When it was time to say my goodbyes though.. that's when I started doubting what I'd done. Having to say goodbye to all those people was one of the hardest things I've done. I shed a bunch of tears, and hugged a lot of people I never wanted to let go. I got through it though, promising myself and others that I would be back as soon as I could to come visit... and I did. I visited the first weekend of December, about 7 months after I had last left.. and it was eerie. People had changed and looked different, but they were all still my friends. Kati, Katie (twinnie), people in the suite-circle, Amy, Jenna (still <3 you for the emergency ride), John Lear, Ryan Barrows.. everyone (I keep trying to remember and list people.. trust me, if you're reading this, you're included). It seemed I was even closer with some of them than when I'd left.. see also, Harold.. the coolest man alive. What was interesting was getting out of my Chicago mindset. It took the first two days to really shake my rigidly-cut set of beliefs I had from Chicago and realize that looks weren't always the most important thing in Ithaca.. and once I did realize that, it made everything that much better. I felt hot at the pop star party. I felt sexy. And not just because of black jacket guy.. hookers. ;) I realized going back that Ithaca was a great place for me.. but it was a realization I never could have made without leaving and coming back. I don't regret my desicison, but I do miss seeing the people I saw every day. To think that I met most of those people as a result of talking to Jayson over livejournal.. that's fucked up, in a good way. I'm hoping to visit again in early February when everyone's less busy.. but I mean, Ithaca is like another home to me, I know it won't be that way next year, since a majority of people are graduating, and this next visit might be my last for a long time. Ithaca was a huge part of this last year.. it made me realize who I was (twice), showed me that who I was is okay, and that appearances don't always mean everything.. above other things. It's hard to put a label on something that's meant so much to you, but long story short.. I don't regret going, I don't regret leaving, I just value the time I spent there.
Maybe I'll transfer to USC (So. Cal.) or NYU after another year or two, but for now I'm satisfied where I am. Straight A's, anyone?
The Odd Couple
This is a title that definitely does -not- refer to Ryan (my roommate) and I. There are probably no two people with so many fundamental likenesses and extreme differences. I'm not sure how it works out, but we rock. We've had four parties in four months, and I really couldn't ask for a better roommate. If we have fights or disagreements they're over before the day is, and it's just awesome. haha.. Toxic Halloween.. all I have to say. I was just lucky he came along when he did. I was supposed to have another roommate, but then when it came time to start looking for places things fell through with him and I was in a bad situation. My parents told me it was either find a roommate or commute from home.. and as anyone who's lived away from home will tell you, there's no going back. I was telling Ryan about it and he's like, "Oh yeah, I have to move out of my place in July, do you want to room together?" And here we are. The apartment rocks, especially for what we pay, and I'm just really happy with the situation. The more I thought about it, the more I realized what a disaster the other situation would have been.. if I think Ryan and I can be dramatic at times.. oh man. I'm even starting to decorate my room.. :-x Who knows what'll happen when our lease is up, but for now things are awesome.. Ryan's a great guy.
Nip/Tuck
I still can't believe I got lipo. Cosmetic surgery. Elective procedures done before I turn 20. I am thus obsessed and want tons more done, and am completely and utterly satisfied with everything about me physically. But hey! I'm sort on a new diet now, eating better/less, and will hopefully look presentable. I need to get to the gym more often, but so can everyone else.. I just want more work done, period. That's all I'm going to say about that. It's been almost six months, and I'm still not healed, and have fucked up nerve endings in the lipo'd areas.. but hey, you have to sarcrifice something.
Of note..
I've had a few firsts this year.. including my first car accident (three cars total.. hott), first time being an extra in a gay movie (next year's gay and lesbian film festival), first real concert (Josh Groban), and first time falling in love (nobody knows who..). Or, at least, realizing something was love. It's also been the year of Britney for me.. between Toxic and everything else, I've become all the gays I've ever mocked who are completely in love with Britney. And it shows no signs of stopping.
I kind of rushed the last entries because Harold was yelling at me.. but I think that's pretty much everything. Now, I'm gonna include this survey I posted here a few months ago.. and I want as many people to fill it out and reply with it as possible. Be brutally honest. If you don't have a live journal, answer anonymously but sign your name somewhere. I will compare it to what was said months ago when it was first done.
Good luck to everyone this year.. here's to another radical change. ;)
1. My name:
2. Where did we meet?:
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?:
5. How well do you know me?:
6. Do I smoke?:
7. Do I believe in God?:
8. When you first saw me what was your impression?:
9. My age:
10. Birthday:
11. Color hair:
12. Color eyes:
13. Do I have any siblings?:
14. What's one of my favorite things to do?:
15. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?:
16. What's my favorite type of music?:
17. What is the best feature about me?
18. Am I shy or outgoing?:
19. Would you say I am funny?:
20. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?:
21. Any Special Talents?:
22. Would you consider me a friend?:
23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, homie, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
24. Have you ever seen me cry?:
25. Do I drink?:
27. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be?
28. On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the highest) how good of friends are we?
29. Do you want this to change?
30. Am I a good friend?
31. What are my best qualities?
32. Am I attractive?
33. Would you ever date me?
34. Whats one of my downfalls? (answer this honestly-no one is perfect)
35. Describe me in one word -