Excerpts from Brainland
in my efforts to make posts that are not about Josh....
Weight loss
Ah, it's been a while since I posted about this, I am sure you were ALL sitting with baited breath.
Thanks to the glorious magic of breastfeeding, my last weigh in I was 262.
Down from 308 right before I had Josh. That is a 15% loss in not quite 5 months.
Of course, I am still in the process of getting back to being at the gym regularly, but with the weather nicer, it is much easier to be more active in general.
I have bought new jeans. They are 22s (well, 'red triangle-5'* but that is picking nits)
My short term goal is to get at or under 250 by the time Josh is done nursing full time.
Longer term goal is to get to 200. I will re-assess my final goal then.
I don't actually remember when I was last a 22. I think in HS at some point, but I honestly don't remember. When I say I have a mental block, it really is there. I am fairly sure the jeans I had while an undergrad were 24's. When did that happen? I don't know. I am fairly sure that in jr high I was a 13. Again, I don't know.
Most women have a weight point where they will say they looked their best at. It's a concrete goal. I don't have that. Why? because when I was that weight I was a stupid teenage girl with a shitty bodyimage. The only memories I have in that regard are of things that I disliked about myself. This isn't because I was told mean things by my family, because we are all heavy. We all struggle with it. It just was what it was. I was taunted at school, and I absorbed it. I didn't have the ability to block it out and ignore it.
I caught so much hell at that point for being bigger than the other girls at school, the concept 'Size doesn't matter' completely wiped away the data out of my mind. Of course, it did matter to me. But I didn't really have a realistic scale of clothing-size and person-shape. Part of it was that I really was bigger than the other girls. Part of it was hitting puberty earlier and faster than them as well. Nothing like having hips and tits when the other girls are still built like boys. Nice if you have the waist of a cheerleader, but when you are built like a brick shithouse, not so much.
I will never be dainty. I would like to at some point be able to shop at a store that doesn't 'cater to my needs as a fat chick'
* the Lane Bryant and the sister stores re-designed the sizing system, and it is better, inasmuch as it allows for more shapes. I could do without the different numbers though.
Strange rehashing of old lessons learned
Which old lesson am I speaking of?
Speak up when it isn't a big deal, and no big deals happen. Keep quiet and cope, and suddenly the big deal is uncontrollable and I become an irrational and psychotic bitch.
When I was a wee lass, I would bottle things up, and every 3-6 months I would explode and be an emotional wreck for the rest of the night. It would be over something stupid, and ends up being the adult equivalent of an uncontrolled temper tantrum.
I am grateful that derekbbell is my partner in all of this, as he has been very helpful in many, many ways. I need to be more verbal with what I need help with, and more cognizant of WHEN I need help. It's much easier to ask for help when you know that you need it.
I am also grateful that Josh is (so far, at this point) a remarkably happy baby. The fact that the hardest part has been the interrupted sleep on my part, combined with the physical fatigue that nursing brings, is not lost on me.
I just need to recognize the things I can delegate out, and tell people that I need them to do it. It's not that hard.
And really, it's an investment in the overall happiness of everyone involved.
Because no one likes it when I am an irrational & psychotic bitch.
Weight loss
Ah, it's been a while since I posted about this, I am sure you were ALL sitting with baited breath.
Thanks to the glorious magic of breastfeeding, my last weigh in I was 262.
Down from 308 right before I had Josh. That is a 15% loss in not quite 5 months.
Of course, I am still in the process of getting back to being at the gym regularly, but with the weather nicer, it is much easier to be more active in general.
I have bought new jeans. They are 22s (well, 'red triangle-5'* but that is picking nits)
My short term goal is to get at or under 250 by the time Josh is done nursing full time.
Longer term goal is to get to 200. I will re-assess my final goal then.
I don't actually remember when I was last a 22. I think in HS at some point, but I honestly don't remember. When I say I have a mental block, it really is there. I am fairly sure the jeans I had while an undergrad were 24's. When did that happen? I don't know. I am fairly sure that in jr high I was a 13. Again, I don't know.
Most women have a weight point where they will say they looked their best at. It's a concrete goal. I don't have that. Why? because when I was that weight I was a stupid teenage girl with a shitty bodyimage. The only memories I have in that regard are of things that I disliked about myself. This isn't because I was told mean things by my family, because we are all heavy. We all struggle with it. It just was what it was. I was taunted at school, and I absorbed it. I didn't have the ability to block it out and ignore it.
I caught so much hell at that point for being bigger than the other girls at school, the concept 'Size doesn't matter' completely wiped away the data out of my mind. Of course, it did matter to me. But I didn't really have a realistic scale of clothing-size and person-shape. Part of it was that I really was bigger than the other girls. Part of it was hitting puberty earlier and faster than them as well. Nothing like having hips and tits when the other girls are still built like boys. Nice if you have the waist of a cheerleader, but when you are built like a brick shithouse, not so much.
I will never be dainty. I would like to at some point be able to shop at a store that doesn't 'cater to my needs as a fat chick'
* the Lane Bryant and the sister stores re-designed the sizing system, and it is better, inasmuch as it allows for more shapes. I could do without the different numbers though.
Strange rehashing of old lessons learned
Which old lesson am I speaking of?
Speak up when it isn't a big deal, and no big deals happen. Keep quiet and cope, and suddenly the big deal is uncontrollable and I become an irrational and psychotic bitch.
When I was a wee lass, I would bottle things up, and every 3-6 months I would explode and be an emotional wreck for the rest of the night. It would be over something stupid, and ends up being the adult equivalent of an uncontrolled temper tantrum.
I am grateful that derekbbell is my partner in all of this, as he has been very helpful in many, many ways. I need to be more verbal with what I need help with, and more cognizant of WHEN I need help. It's much easier to ask for help when you know that you need it.
I am also grateful that Josh is (so far, at this point) a remarkably happy baby. The fact that the hardest part has been the interrupted sleep on my part, combined with the physical fatigue that nursing brings, is not lost on me.
I just need to recognize the things I can delegate out, and tell people that I need them to do it. It's not that hard.
And really, it's an investment in the overall happiness of everyone involved.
Because no one likes it when I am an irrational & psychotic bitch.