To Be Reminded
As I was driving to spend time with my boy, a placed in the car stereo a cd I had forgotton about. After a couple of songs, I was taken back to a forgotten memory nearly a decade ago. "Cruising" came on over the speakers sung by Huey Lewis and Gweneth Paltrow and I was reminded of a drive to my sister's so many years ago...
I had enjoyed taking the long way to my sister's old house and the sun was shining clear, bright, and beautifully. I had to roll down the windows just to get more of the wind and smells that drifted in on the way. Elise was about 4 or nearing 5 and the sunlight brightened her hair as I noticed that she too had drifted off into soaking in the sights and smells and sun. The same song came over the radio and suddenly every moment of the drive seemed to be enhanced by the melody and chorus. I looked once again over towards her and still she was soaking everything in. I thought to myself then that I didn't want to forget this simple drive for I was sharing it with her and suddenly I didn't want to get to my sister's so quickly. As the trees and houses and lots of land passed behind us, the melody kept us quiet. As I turned the final turn to get to our destination, the song came to an end and our moment was gone. I knew within a minute the quiet between us would leave forever and I would be the sole keeper of its' memory.
And I had forgotten until yesterday that I still kept true to the memory.
Which brings me to the personal project I have started at home. Two weeks ago, tiring already of Facebook, I began "The History" project. Knowing that one day all that I have of photos will have to passed on to her, I retrieved all that I could find. Disgarding and emptying old and torn albums one by one, I began to scan them for the pc. I soon learned I had far too many photos and during the course of my life alone, or with her in it, there was still gaps of time not recorded. Lost forever are moments in which I'll never see again and I have to resign myself to that fact.
How adoring she was for so many tender years! So much love and sweetness within these photographs of her childhood. Loved, she has always been and so much evidence of it all to sort through that I found myself taken back time and time again. What I do for her now in becoming her 'memory keeper' is important for me. I worry more than I should have to over the things that I can't control that seem to pick up their pace and quicken an end I know will come someday. She'll have questions that no one can answer but myself and moments such as these are all that I can leave.
What struck me most in the reviewing of these photographs is the change in her persona from a child to a young lady. I never expected her personality to be somewhat aloof and distant for others. This wasn't what I planned on. Perhaps she is more emotional than I see, or could I attribute it all to this phase of teen angst she's growing into? For a child to be so loved, hugged, kissed and adored by every set of arms that ran to embrace her, she has grown into this girl who seems to keep her emotions close to the vest. I have to trust that her mind keeps a straight line and she finds solid outlets for her angst. I have been blessed it seems with a level headed daughter who paces herself on her emotions. Honestly, I never expected that. No doubt there is a storm coming with her that every child goes through with their parents. Even when this may one day arise, this fact of her personality keeps to assure me that even in this, she will surpass and enlighten me.
My entergies have all changed now. I was allowed to focus my mind on work for a few years and half-hazardly kept an eye on Elise. Now, I really don't care as much as I did about work, (contray to popular belief) as I care more now about the path Elise is making for herself. What she can't do, I must provide the path for. Soon high school will become a major factor in her life and I must make more room for her to do so.
Of course, just when my part is done, when I hope to see her appreciation from it all, I know she'll turn to me one last time, hug me goodbye and fly off into her horizons. Just as it should be.
