Terrible Knowledge
What terrible knowledge it must be for someone to realize they have the capacity in them to completely turn their back on someone they love. I admit, there is an admirable strength in that, but it requires ruthlessness. And coldness.
There might also be a lot of hurt in it. Hurt can be a powerful engine. I think of Steph, back when Heidi and I first split up. She basically went five months without talking to me, and then another three or four where it was on and off. It took a lot of hurt to pull herself into herself like that.
That's its own kind of circumstance, though. Otherwise, I think it requires a selfishness and a lack of compassion of the kind that would stun me if I found it in me. That would be dark knowledge to discover, indeed. Perhaps it's a necessary survival skill, but it would nonetheless require me to break off something inside of myself. It would be diminishing to me in a fundamental way, and part of me would never stop being sad about that.
I've come to this realization because I've been flirting with the idea for a few days as a survival mechanism. I just don't have it in me, though, nor do I want to have it in me. I am called to take a higher road, even if it's tougher. I would never want to be that diminished.
There might also be a lot of hurt in it. Hurt can be a powerful engine. I think of Steph, back when Heidi and I first split up. She basically went five months without talking to me, and then another three or four where it was on and off. It took a lot of hurt to pull herself into herself like that.
That's its own kind of circumstance, though. Otherwise, I think it requires a selfishness and a lack of compassion of the kind that would stun me if I found it in me. That would be dark knowledge to discover, indeed. Perhaps it's a necessary survival skill, but it would nonetheless require me to break off something inside of myself. It would be diminishing to me in a fundamental way, and part of me would never stop being sad about that.
I've come to this realization because I've been flirting with the idea for a few days as a survival mechanism. I just don't have it in me, though, nor do I want to have it in me. I am called to take a higher road, even if it's tougher. I would never want to be that diminished.