Yay For ME!
The past. It sucks, and regardless of what occurred back then, there are often times when we reflect on past loves and relationships and can't help but wonder if things could have been different. And then there is the part of moving on. People can say they are over things, but if you have been in a serious relationship, you can easily understand how often times words are a front as to what your inner feelings won't let you say out loud. I read somewhere that moving on should be defined as "giving up all faith and recoginizing that the outcome would have been the same no matter the circumstances". And I really believe that. Even if a relationship went south, and went down in a blaze of anger and all that that implies, chances are it wasn't going to work anyways. B/c as corny as this sounds, love can withstand alot of things if it is strong enough, and if it isn't strong enough, then you should move on and find a love that is strong enough to handle whatever life chooses to throw your way.
I think that in relationships, esp. w/ us females, there is a grieving process as far as love and emotions go. And the longer and stronger our emotional ties are to that person, the longer we plague ourselves with feelings of doubt and blame. It's hard to accept the fact that just b/c we give ourselves over to a person, doesn't mean that you are going to get that in return.
And letting go has alot to do with memory and time. Every major event and even those that aren't so major, sometimes just pop into your head due to a song or a place or just someone mentioning a word that automatically recalls those memories into your brain. It's not until you go foward, even if that means going forward scared and afraid, that you can being to create new memories. And after a while, you'll notice that those old memories don't surface all so often, and later on down the line, they won't surface at all.
Case in point: Arthur. I really hate talking about him, b/c well, he crushed me. He broke my heart, he left me alone, and I just have alot of insecurities and trust problems that all relate to how I percieve things due to our relationship. But the other day we were talking about first-dates (b/c I had a wonderful one the other day with a very sweet and cute guy, and we are going to hang out again soon, sorry off the subject but it is exciting for me). Anyways, I could not think of what me and Arthur did on our first date, and then we got to talking about kissing, and I could not recall when we kissed, and for that matter how he kissed me. And it was the biggest feeling of relief, which is something that I never thought I would associate with his name. It may seem cruel, to be happy to not remember things, but I was with this boy for 4 years, kissed him thousands upon thousands of times with my eyes closed thinking I was in love, and I can't remember how his lips met mine, or how he leaned in, or even how he liked to be kissed. And then it hit me: I have moved on. And I am positive that he moved on a long time ago, and deep down I'm not even sure that he had the grieving period over the loss of our relationship, but I did. And for a long time I wasn't ok with that. But now I am, and for a long time I never thought I would be.
So here I am: open, and vunerable, estatic, and scared as hell all at the same time. But I know no matter what happens, or how things develope or don't develope with guys I have met or will meet in my life, that I am going to be ok. I will survive b/c if I can move on from that horrible situation that I let overtake my life for the past year, then I can overcome alot of shit. So here's a toast to love and boys: whether you take me for a ride, drop me on my ass again, or find me someone to make me smile, bring it on. Because I have moved on, and I'm ready for whatever the fucked-up game of love wants to throw my way.
I think that in relationships, esp. w/ us females, there is a grieving process as far as love and emotions go. And the longer and stronger our emotional ties are to that person, the longer we plague ourselves with feelings of doubt and blame. It's hard to accept the fact that just b/c we give ourselves over to a person, doesn't mean that you are going to get that in return.
And letting go has alot to do with memory and time. Every major event and even those that aren't so major, sometimes just pop into your head due to a song or a place or just someone mentioning a word that automatically recalls those memories into your brain. It's not until you go foward, even if that means going forward scared and afraid, that you can being to create new memories. And after a while, you'll notice that those old memories don't surface all so often, and later on down the line, they won't surface at all.
Case in point: Arthur. I really hate talking about him, b/c well, he crushed me. He broke my heart, he left me alone, and I just have alot of insecurities and trust problems that all relate to how I percieve things due to our relationship. But the other day we were talking about first-dates (b/c I had a wonderful one the other day with a very sweet and cute guy, and we are going to hang out again soon, sorry off the subject but it is exciting for me). Anyways, I could not think of what me and Arthur did on our first date, and then we got to talking about kissing, and I could not recall when we kissed, and for that matter how he kissed me. And it was the biggest feeling of relief, which is something that I never thought I would associate with his name. It may seem cruel, to be happy to not remember things, but I was with this boy for 4 years, kissed him thousands upon thousands of times with my eyes closed thinking I was in love, and I can't remember how his lips met mine, or how he leaned in, or even how he liked to be kissed. And then it hit me: I have moved on. And I am positive that he moved on a long time ago, and deep down I'm not even sure that he had the grieving period over the loss of our relationship, but I did. And for a long time I wasn't ok with that. But now I am, and for a long time I never thought I would be.
So here I am: open, and vunerable, estatic, and scared as hell all at the same time. But I know no matter what happens, or how things develope or don't develope with guys I have met or will meet in my life, that I am going to be ok. I will survive b/c if I can move on from that horrible situation that I let overtake my life for the past year, then I can overcome alot of shit. So here's a toast to love and boys: whether you take me for a ride, drop me on my ass again, or find me someone to make me smile, bring it on. Because I have moved on, and I'm ready for whatever the fucked-up game of love wants to throw my way.