(no subject)
I logged on today to talk about my breakup with Dario. To put it down that even though the breakup was for the better and I am in fact happier now than when I was with him I still miss him. Today I went to Venice beach by myself. I am so much more accustomed to doing things on my lonesome now. Go to the mall by myself, state parks, etc etc anyway. So I went to the beach and was just looking around and noticed a blanket. One of those thick woven navajo looking ones so I walked over to it immediately. I have been looking for a blanket of this kind for months. I start to critique the thing and then realize that I am STILL shopping for Dario. Can you believe it!? Dario and I first started dating in the winter time and he would mention how cold it was when I didn't spend the night with him. Because of this I lent him Melissa's blanket which for all intents and purposes is actually his now and gave him a pair of my Kennedy sweats in an attempt to keep him warm. So I have been looking for another blanket or sweater that he can comfortably wear during the winter months to keep him warm and for so long I had him in the back of my mind that I didn't even notice I no longer have to worry about looking for cute gray hoodies and thick woven blankets to keep him warm in the winter. Its no longer an issue.
I know that breakups hurt. I've done it before. It was months before I could drive by the budwiser factory and not think of Luis. It was an entire year before I could even look at men after I broke up with Lauro. Everyday is a little better. Everyday I miss him a little less but sometimes a certain song will come on, or I'll pass by a spot I took him to (Venice beach for example) and just get this most terrible pain in my heart. There are multiple occasions daily where I find myself wanting to text him or contact him and have gotten to the point where I am about to press "send" and stop myself.
We've been broken up for what?.. like a month? And in that time I have met a couple boys who were interested in at least sleeping with me. But I know what I jerk is, I know what a child is, and I know what a man is. Dario is a man. Its a rare commodity and I had one. I was looking through my journal before I posted and there was this line that really resonated with me I wrote something like, "I want to get dressed, go someplace fabulous, and come home to someone that thinks I'm the world" *tears well* and I had that. He looked at me like I was the world. I felt such love and such warmth in those few happy months we had together. And sometimes I still think, "you know maybe, shit happens, who knows where life will lead, maybe we will end up together happy with the white picket fence and shit" and then I come out of it. Realize that I am kidding myself and setting myself up for the most terrible heart break of all because no matter what I am not the girl for him. He told me once that after his breakup with Mirel "not all of me came back" when he said that I knew I wasn't the girl for him. It is my firm belief that when you are truly happy. 100% happy all that shit melts away, all the walls, all the questions, all the second guesses just disappear because you are happy and are confident that this is "it".
One day he will meet that girl. That makes him complete and 100% happy, happy enough to wish Mirel well. Because thats how happy I was with him. I actually found myself thinking about Luis and wishing him well. I wonder about a lot of people all the time. Random people from middle and high school just thinking oh, I hope they are doing well and I never thought about Luis and then one day he and I were driving to get food or something and I thought about Luis. Hella random out of the blue. My hand was on Dario's lap as he was driving. I looked over at him and was happy.
I really should go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow. I have an actual job now. I work at Cedar fucken Siani Medical Center. Its kinda amazing. *breaths*
I know that breakups hurt. I've done it before. It was months before I could drive by the budwiser factory and not think of Luis. It was an entire year before I could even look at men after I broke up with Lauro. Everyday is a little better. Everyday I miss him a little less but sometimes a certain song will come on, or I'll pass by a spot I took him to (Venice beach for example) and just get this most terrible pain in my heart. There are multiple occasions daily where I find myself wanting to text him or contact him and have gotten to the point where I am about to press "send" and stop myself.
We've been broken up for what?.. like a month? And in that time I have met a couple boys who were interested in at least sleeping with me. But I know what I jerk is, I know what a child is, and I know what a man is. Dario is a man. Its a rare commodity and I had one. I was looking through my journal before I posted and there was this line that really resonated with me I wrote something like, "I want to get dressed, go someplace fabulous, and come home to someone that thinks I'm the world" *tears well* and I had that. He looked at me like I was the world. I felt such love and such warmth in those few happy months we had together. And sometimes I still think, "you know maybe, shit happens, who knows where life will lead, maybe we will end up together happy with the white picket fence and shit" and then I come out of it. Realize that I am kidding myself and setting myself up for the most terrible heart break of all because no matter what I am not the girl for him. He told me once that after his breakup with Mirel "not all of me came back" when he said that I knew I wasn't the girl for him. It is my firm belief that when you are truly happy. 100% happy all that shit melts away, all the walls, all the questions, all the second guesses just disappear because you are happy and are confident that this is "it".
One day he will meet that girl. That makes him complete and 100% happy, happy enough to wish Mirel well. Because thats how happy I was with him. I actually found myself thinking about Luis and wishing him well. I wonder about a lot of people all the time. Random people from middle and high school just thinking oh, I hope they are doing well and I never thought about Luis and then one day he and I were driving to get food or something and I thought about Luis. Hella random out of the blue. My hand was on Dario's lap as he was driving. I looked over at him and was happy.
I really should go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow. I have an actual job now. I work at Cedar fucken Siani Medical Center. Its kinda amazing. *breaths*