well what do i say

[cutthesmutt]

my cousin Justin was hit by a truck and killed two nights ago. he was 22 years old. i was out eating at wasabi with samer and justin and amy. when i got home mom and dad were still awake and i thought maybe something bad had happened in the news. it was pretty late and they were both up, and i had work early in the morning at 7am. then mom came up to my room and told me and i didnt really know how to respond. she said he was in critical condition and that dad was driving out to london to see him with my other aunt (not his mom) i remember calling samer and telling him but i dont know how i felt at the time. the next morning mom said he died. like 10min later i was at work and i had no time to process anything. the day felt like a blur. i wasnt close with him by any means. in fact i didnt really like him but its not about that its the effect his death has on my family. after work i went home and later in the evening my dad called josh and i into the living room. he told us sad stories about how sad justins life was and how his mom and dad didnt love him the way they love us. about how he had no father figure and how he fought with him mom his whole life. the night he died he ran out on his gf after having an argument with her. we're not even sure if he jumped in front of the truck on purpose or what... the truck driver called 911 and was talking to the priest at the hospital in very slow words and looked so shocked and dazed that he took forever to respond to a question. my dad emphasized his innocence in the situation and brought up how now he too has been effected and maybe he might not be able to return to work and we dont know what hes going through either emotionally. some people never get over stuff like that. my dad started to cry and it was the first time i ever saw him cry. what was odd was how his voice stayed the same and only cracked for a second but he kept talking. my mom said that she listened to my dad tell the story of justin in the hospital and what the doctors said over and over and its like his way of dealing with it. i cried too and then my mom cried and it was weird because nothing like this has ever happened before. apparently something bittersweet happened right before he died... since he had been arguing with his mom on tuesday of last week he met up with her for breakfast and they forgave each other and wanted to tart fresh and my aunt was crying and telling my dad how she went to kiss him, and kissed him twice, but on the third kiss he pulled back and made a joke like "oh mom, 2 kisses is your limit!" and it was the last time she saw him. im SO happy they reconnected before the accident.
there just seems to be a lot of deaths happening all around me. and my nerves cant take it anymore. i feel overly touchy and emotional and like there is a blanket of sadness over everything... watching the news is really making me edgy and i want to know whats happening in the world but i cant handle it right now. i feel pathetic.
thursday is his funeral and it will be the first one ive gone to. i have no idea how people can attend these things and not faint from the sadness. seeing all your family cry.... just awful. but my family is very religious and for them this will be a good gody moment. maybe it will be closure for my grandma, or maybe closure is something that comes with time...