Just thinking...
Ok so this wont make much sense....
I think both mentally and physically I have become stronger in the last year, but I feel as if my emotions are just always being beaten. Yesterday a kid from my graduating class killed himself. I wasnt close with him but I know a lot of people who were. Its so sad. My god I cant figure out why someone would want to do that. I have gone through some fucking horrible things in my life, and I tried to commit suicide once when I was 14, but now I realize that no matter what.. nothing is worth taking your life, or anyone elses in regards to death/murder/kill/etc. Lezlie and I were talking about it last night, because she was really close with the young mans older brother, and well the best way we could describe suicide is... selfish. I have seen the pain that death has caused those that I care about in the past few years, and its horrible. I still am not over losing my grandpa, none of novacks loved ones are over losing him, and my cousin sure as hell isnt over losing his mom. By "over" I mean being able to talk about the person for extended periods of time without crying. Its just so hard. I just hate this.
I also just have been feeling crappy since I have put on weight. Weight is such an issue with me. I hate it too. My mom promised me a gym membership for christmas though.. so that should help my fatass.
Today is nicks family's thanksgiving. I baked their family a pumpkin pie and it turned out so good! I made one yesterday for my "test run"... I ate half of it lol. (wonder why I am fat). I couldnt stop eating it though. Pumpkin Pie (my grandmas recipe atleast) is one of my all time favorite things to eat. So since I at half of one yesterday I dont have to snake any of the pie I made nicks family lol. His mom made cheesecake, and bought a pumpkin pie cheesecake from the factory.... dude I am gonna have a coronary by the end of this week. lol. The dinner tonight is gonna be Turkey, Mashed Pots, Crescent Rolls, Cornbread, Stuffing, and I am sure broccoli or corn, or something like that. She always makes a salad with dinner too, but I am passing on that lol. I asked nick if after dinner tonight if we could go on a really long walk to burn some calories, he replied with "dont know if I will be able to walk" lol. I love the holidays with his family. They are all goofy, and the baby is going to be there so that will be nice to see her digging in the mashed potatoes. awwwwww
I need a break from school, and winter break is to far away. oh well. nothing I can do but try and get good grades, even though I have no desire to do homework.
I think both mentally and physically I have become stronger in the last year, but I feel as if my emotions are just always being beaten. Yesterday a kid from my graduating class killed himself. I wasnt close with him but I know a lot of people who were. Its so sad. My god I cant figure out why someone would want to do that. I have gone through some fucking horrible things in my life, and I tried to commit suicide once when I was 14, but now I realize that no matter what.. nothing is worth taking your life, or anyone elses in regards to death/murder/kill/etc. Lezlie and I were talking about it last night, because she was really close with the young mans older brother, and well the best way we could describe suicide is... selfish. I have seen the pain that death has caused those that I care about in the past few years, and its horrible. I still am not over losing my grandpa, none of novacks loved ones are over losing him, and my cousin sure as hell isnt over losing his mom. By "over" I mean being able to talk about the person for extended periods of time without crying. Its just so hard. I just hate this.
I also just have been feeling crappy since I have put on weight. Weight is such an issue with me. I hate it too. My mom promised me a gym membership for christmas though.. so that should help my fatass.
Today is nicks family's thanksgiving. I baked their family a pumpkin pie and it turned out so good! I made one yesterday for my "test run"... I ate half of it lol. (wonder why I am fat). I couldnt stop eating it though. Pumpkin Pie (my grandmas recipe atleast) is one of my all time favorite things to eat. So since I at half of one yesterday I dont have to snake any of the pie I made nicks family lol. His mom made cheesecake, and bought a pumpkin pie cheesecake from the factory.... dude I am gonna have a coronary by the end of this week. lol. The dinner tonight is gonna be Turkey, Mashed Pots, Crescent Rolls, Cornbread, Stuffing, and I am sure broccoli or corn, or something like that. She always makes a salad with dinner too, but I am passing on that lol. I asked nick if after dinner tonight if we could go on a really long walk to burn some calories, he replied with "dont know if I will be able to walk" lol. I love the holidays with his family. They are all goofy, and the baby is going to be there so that will be nice to see her digging in the mashed potatoes. awwwwww
I need a break from school, and winter break is to far away. oh well. nothing I can do but try and get good grades, even though I have no desire to do homework.