(no subject)
okay i officially hate my job, i fucking hate my boss. she makes me sick. i work so hard and all i get is shit for it. i want to quit so bad. marvin already said he can support me but i kinda need the job to keep busy. most likely when i start school i am out of that joint. ugh and i know someone took my tips tonight, i am so furious cuz i made so much and i want my money! i work fucking hard for it. and some asshole took my tips, ugh what is wrong with people? are u really that pathetic? grr.
but i swear im really not going to work much for the rest of my life. im going to stay home with my children, thats what i really want to do and im gonna do it. marvin will make enough money then and he even said that that would be fine with him if i wanted to stay home with our kids. i do want to go to school though and get my degree in liberal arts just in case i ever do want to persue a career. and i also want to be a well educated person. and after i get my degree i can always go back to school later on in life. its just nothing interests me right now. i cant make a desision like that at this point of my life, thats crazy. and i see my mom and i see how hard it is for her and i just remember growing up and everybody elses moms was always there for them. field trips, parent/teacher conferences, all that kinda stuff. my mom could never come to parent teacher conferences...and in a way i really wanted my mom to be there even though everyone else dreaded having there parents go. i dunno i just remember always having to get rides home from activities from everyone elses parents.
...and in no way am i saying that i hate how my mom raised us cuz of course i do not. i love how she raised us. she spoiled us rotten, we got EVERYTHING we wanted and thats because my mother worked her ass off for us. she did everything for us and thats why she was never around. and thats what she wanted to do and nobody stopped her from doing that. and i know she worries that i am going to have to do the same thing as her, but no i am going to do the total opposite. i am going to be there for my kids as a person, and give them all my love. not by giving them everything materially, but by giving them my love. i mean of course i am going to spoil my kids rotten, i am just going to do things a little differently than my mother did. now that i think of it, i wish my mom did more for herself than she did for us. i really do, because no my heart aches for her and i know she is not happy because she is always working. she never does anything for herself and it sucks and it hurts me so much inside because i know i can never change her or do anything for her. im just powerless and it sucks. real bad.
but i've come to realize that my mother is my best friend and i just love her more than anything in the world. i can relate to her so well. when she is in pain i can feel it too. and she is just always going to support me, she is my mother and she loves me no matter what. she is going to do everything in her power for me and no one else in the world would do that for me. i just love her so incredibly much and i love how i can call her and ask her anything and she will know the answer. i call her when i am having a dilema at work or having a fight with marvin. i call her when i am in trouble or when i am angry or when i am sad and even when i couldnt be any happier. she always has the right answers for everything. i love her and i hope she knows that...actually i know she knows that. cuz she just has to feel what i feel. its just unexplainable...i just love her so much.
ha so yah i got a little off topic there. i really miss my mom so much i cant wait to go home and see her and the rest of my family too of course, they are all great. yah my family is a little weird..okay they are really really weird but i still love them with all my heart and soul, they are great people!
im so lonely now, it sucks. i talked to marvin a bunch of times today. he is doing fine, hes working hard of course as always. he is such a good person, my god he is amazing. i am so god damn lucky to have all these people in my life. i may not have many people in my life who are close to me, but i know the people who i have really love me and will never ever leave me. they really care about me and i dunno i just love it of course.
my foot hurts like hell still :/
this was way too long, im sorry!
but i swear im really not going to work much for the rest of my life. im going to stay home with my children, thats what i really want to do and im gonna do it. marvin will make enough money then and he even said that that would be fine with him if i wanted to stay home with our kids. i do want to go to school though and get my degree in liberal arts just in case i ever do want to persue a career. and i also want to be a well educated person. and after i get my degree i can always go back to school later on in life. its just nothing interests me right now. i cant make a desision like that at this point of my life, thats crazy. and i see my mom and i see how hard it is for her and i just remember growing up and everybody elses moms was always there for them. field trips, parent/teacher conferences, all that kinda stuff. my mom could never come to parent teacher conferences...and in a way i really wanted my mom to be there even though everyone else dreaded having there parents go. i dunno i just remember always having to get rides home from activities from everyone elses parents.
...and in no way am i saying that i hate how my mom raised us cuz of course i do not. i love how she raised us. she spoiled us rotten, we got EVERYTHING we wanted and thats because my mother worked her ass off for us. she did everything for us and thats why she was never around. and thats what she wanted to do and nobody stopped her from doing that. and i know she worries that i am going to have to do the same thing as her, but no i am going to do the total opposite. i am going to be there for my kids as a person, and give them all my love. not by giving them everything materially, but by giving them my love. i mean of course i am going to spoil my kids rotten, i am just going to do things a little differently than my mother did. now that i think of it, i wish my mom did more for herself than she did for us. i really do, because no my heart aches for her and i know she is not happy because she is always working. she never does anything for herself and it sucks and it hurts me so much inside because i know i can never change her or do anything for her. im just powerless and it sucks. real bad.
but i've come to realize that my mother is my best friend and i just love her more than anything in the world. i can relate to her so well. when she is in pain i can feel it too. and she is just always going to support me, she is my mother and she loves me no matter what. she is going to do everything in her power for me and no one else in the world would do that for me. i just love her so incredibly much and i love how i can call her and ask her anything and she will know the answer. i call her when i am having a dilema at work or having a fight with marvin. i call her when i am in trouble or when i am angry or when i am sad and even when i couldnt be any happier. she always has the right answers for everything. i love her and i hope she knows that...actually i know she knows that. cuz she just has to feel what i feel. its just unexplainable...i just love her so much.
ha so yah i got a little off topic there. i really miss my mom so much i cant wait to go home and see her and the rest of my family too of course, they are all great. yah my family is a little weird..okay they are really really weird but i still love them with all my heart and soul, they are great people!
im so lonely now, it sucks. i talked to marvin a bunch of times today. he is doing fine, hes working hard of course as always. he is such a good person, my god he is amazing. i am so god damn lucky to have all these people in my life. i may not have many people in my life who are close to me, but i know the people who i have really love me and will never ever leave me. they really care about me and i dunno i just love it of course.
my foot hurts like hell still :/
this was way too long, im sorry!