Anxiety chokes me like razor wire
Well, home again today. Actually, i got up and got ready but i was just having suchhhhh a bad fucking morning. My face is alllll dried out from using this acne shit and just, my face continues to be dry, and also my acne from before has gotten better, but i've just developed more. I'm wondering if it's the stress or what. I NEVERRRRRR break out like this. it's seriously depressing me more. I didnt even want to go to school and have ppl look at me. But I got to the drop off this morning, and my mom was like "If you wanna go home now, let's go, I'll bring you back"... then I turned over to Tim's spot, and I saw him sitting on the floor. I knew he felt bad because this morning on the fone, we kinda got into it b/c I was just having a bad morning and he kept asking me what he did wrong, but he did nothing wrong. So yeah, the both of us were very upset. I told my mom to go park somewhere real quick, I had something I had to do. So i got out of the truck, and i walked up to him. He looked sooo sad man, i could've stabbed my hand or soemthing b/c of how bad I felt. I helped him up, and I gave him like the biggest hug and kiss ever. And I told him that I've missed him, and that my mom is letting me go home, and that I just , wouldn't be able to make it through this day. He didn't want me to go. He held onto me sooo tight. It was heaven, being in eachothers arms again. Felt like it had been a year or something. So naturally, we said our Goodbyes, which we both hate more than anything, And i turned and walked away. As soon as I turned my back on him, I began to cry. And I knew he was, too. We've just been sooo torn this past month, idk how we've gotten this far. Our feelings for eachother are the only thing we have. Anywho, I got back in the truck, my mom asked me if Everyhting was ok, and I told her no. I told her I had felt bad for leaving cause I know Timmy's not gonna wanna be there without me, I've helped him and helped to motivate him soo much with work and school and guitar and such. And my mom goes to me "Well that's kind of pathetic he looks to you for that, do you really want to be with a guy who can't even motivate himself?" . I Swearrrrrrrrrrrrrr on all things holy, I wanted to fucking stab my mom in the throat at this point. How could she say that? I've helped this kid out of a deeeeepppp depression that his family and friends used to see him in. I've pulled him out man. How can she even fucking be a bitch and say a goddamn thing like that? I was furious. Then she was telling me I just needed to be happy, and things would be fine and shit. And I was like "Well im just going to have to wait" and I was meaning about the grounding. And she was like "well what do you mean" and i told her "you know EXACTLY what i mean".. Then she's all "well you did it to yourself, and when you get off grounding, you're ONLY aloud out on Friday nights, dont think youre gonna get to do whatever the fuck you want, yada yada" and that "im gonna have to earn going out" and shit like that. I swear to god, could she have picked a better time to drop that on me? I wanted to die when I got home. Luckily Tim called me when I walked in the door, but that didn't last long b/c Lott took his fone. I swear, this morning fucking blew soo bad, I just fell asleep. Around 9ish , Tim called me from Oswalts fone in her classroom cause i Used to her have in middle school for 2 yrs, and she's had Tim a real long time so she knows about our circumstances and she's ALL for us, which makes me smile when Tim tells me about it. So yeah, I was again happy to hear from him. Before he called, I was laying there, sleeping in my bed from crying before, and listening to his cd he recorded for me of the songs he wrote. Those songs put me to sleep soo fast when I'm tired, just, hearing his voice is sooo soothing. But yeah.. the day went by soo slow. At like noonish, I began to clean my room and my bathroom and I did dishes and laundry and washed my bedding and did all this shit. Then around like 1ish, Timmy calls me , we talk for awhile and he brings up how he has an amp for me for "my" guitar and shit. So yeah I asked my parents if he could bring it by. wow, what a mistake. My mom and John were claiming I was "scheming" something up. WHATTTTTTTTTT THEEEEEEEEEE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK! Can you fucking believe that shit man. No seriously. IM GROUNDED FOR LYING BUT WHEN IM HONEST IT'S STILL A FUCKING SCHEME OR SOMETHING!! I've had it, is basically all I've got to say. When I told Tim this, he goes to me "Well i hate to be disrespectful baby but youre mom is a fucking bitch and i really dont like her at all, i want to like her, i just fucking cant cause of how shes being a bitch" which is true. Shes being a fucking cunt and Idk why. Does she WANT to see me miserable? I mean cmon man, she's being soo unreasonable about this. I swear, she told me I'd be off grounding this Friday so i could see Tim this Friday night. If she doesn't let me see him, Tim seriously wants me to just leave with him. I'm gonna have to. I can't fucking stay here with them any longer, not if theyre going to be this way to me. I've got to bust out, I've got to be with Tim again. She can't keep me from him, no one can. And I know they don't like him, I just wish they'd fucking tell me straight up that they don't want me to be with him, instead of fucking trying to conceal it and shit. Idk man, I really dont know what to do. All i know is im fucking rebelling and I'm getting a tattoo with my sister soon, and a piercing of some sort and I don't give two fucks what the fuck my mom says. Especially after the other shit she said to me. "Ya know Ashlee, I miss the little girl of mine who wanted to become and dancer and was soo innocent and beautiful with her beautiful long hair and such. You're life is conflicting, trying to be 2 different people. Now you cut off your hair, wanna play guitar, listen to this crazy music of Coheed and whatever else, and it's just not you and you're boyfriend and everything. You're all wanting to get piercings and stuff"
.. Ok, seriously. I want to fucking slap my mom. I've ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS liked guitar, always had a love for it. I get that from my dad, he played all his goddamn life. And if i rmr correctly, I asked my parents for a guitar last xmas. Theyre being soo fucking narrow minded about the whole situation. Basically, I'm fucking depressed and sick and tired and I'm stuck in a fucking huge hole thats making me feel like im going to suffocate. I cant do this anymore.
I sat and wrote Timmy a 16-pg letter.
I had this dream(idk if i mentioned it before, i Mightve) where Timmy and I cut our hands and put them together while they were bleeding. And idk, it was real. I wonder what it all meant.Idk, Idk why im still writing this. I need to just, get off of here. Actually, I dont know what to do with myself. Im soo fucking goddamn depressed. I want out.
.. Ok, seriously. I want to fucking slap my mom. I've ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS liked guitar, always had a love for it. I get that from my dad, he played all his goddamn life. And if i rmr correctly, I asked my parents for a guitar last xmas. Theyre being soo fucking narrow minded about the whole situation. Basically, I'm fucking depressed and sick and tired and I'm stuck in a fucking huge hole thats making me feel like im going to suffocate. I cant do this anymore.
I sat and wrote Timmy a 16-pg letter.
I had this dream(idk if i mentioned it before, i Mightve) where Timmy and I cut our hands and put them together while they were bleeding. And idk, it was real. I wonder what it all meant.Idk, Idk why im still writing this. I need to just, get off of here. Actually, I dont know what to do with myself. Im soo fucking goddamn depressed. I want out.