there it goes

[cutecrazyice]

I'm new to this, so I really do appreciate honest opinions. Heh. I hope this is okay enough, for a first monthly-contest try. It's pretty rough. :)

Week 1 entry for October: Brigit's Flame
Prompt: Story starts with the sentence "There it goes."

Comments

[dawnie_gurl]

oh. dear. hell.

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are you seriously telling me the little girl DIED?

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this is gripping. you say it's rough, but it's already fine, in my opinion (and my honest one). the words flowed naturally, and that dream....oh, poor girl.

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the father factor surprised me.

[cutecrazyice]

Thank you, Dawn! Lol, and it is rough. But I'm glad you like it, girl.

I'm not telling you if the girl died. Heh, that's for you to find out. :p

[dawnie_gurl]

you meanie.

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you just like making me miserable, don't you?

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hehe.

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anyway, watcha doing? and how many days did you get this entry done?

[insolentscrawl]

Wow. You kept my attention through the whole thing.

First, I'd suggest a different font. I had a hard time reading it... that or make it a tad larger.

Second, there are a few times where you use a passive voice, where using an active voice might make the piece more powerful. Example: 'There is a voice talking.' might be a bit more powerful as 'A stranger's voice reaches her ears.'

Third, at the start, you give no indication of movement except for her breath, then suddenly she is running faster than before. You might want to indicate that she's running and hiding in the first place.

Overall, it's a really awesome story. Very powerful and moving.

Let me also say welcome to the monthly competition (I believe you said it was your first time), and good luck this week.

[cutecrazyice]

The font size has been changed now.

And I appreciate your opinion. I'm pretty sure it will help me for later stuff, so thanks you!

Heh, and I'm glad the story's liked. :)

[cutecrazyice]

Whoops, I meant thank you. Heh.

[dreamy_idealist]

First, you might want to chose a simpler font, squinting can turn some people off. I know I had to increase the font size. Anyway.

You had my attention throughout the entire story, which is a good sign, I guess! I realized that I read faster as the girl ran away, as though I was the one escaping the monster. I never saw the end coming. I particularly liked the flow of your writing; you don't use a particularly complicated lexicon.

Great first entry. Good luck this week!

[cutecrazyice]

Thank you! And heh, thanks for the fontsize advice. Gonna change it now. :)

[khixan]

Wow. Hells.

Girl, you can frickin' WRITE.

Ooph - need drink after that.

[cutecrazyice]

Hey, thanks! I know it's pretty rough...but I'm glad you like it. Lol, really appreciate it! :p

[mikanchan_88]

girl, you really can write! love your stories. =)

[cutecrazyice]

Thanks, girl! I'm glad you like this one, because I really didn't think this would be liked. Heh.

[mikanchan_88]

nonetheless, i still like it. you should probably do a career shift or something. lol. j/k.

[cutecrazyice]

Thank you.

And girl, if it wasn't for parental pressure, I would be soo taking up creative writing right now. NOT this course I'm in. :)