RP Log with halfway2heaven | The Good and the Bad
Bella didn't believe for a minute that Rick would talk to Chris immediately about the whole donor issue. He knew that would take some guts in the older Deleo brother to broach, but in the meantime, Bella found herself needing some sort of information on how Chris was feeling about the situation now, not how he had been feeling when he was tested as viable when Rick first returned to Miami. She also knew going straight to the source was impossible, because Rick had specifically and pointedly told her he wanted to speak to Chris about it himself, so it wasn't like Bella could just randomly ask Chris his feelings on it out of the blue again. Chris was far from stupid, he would get suspicious and Bella just didn't have the energy to try and put up any more facades than she was already attempting... and mostly failing miserably.
It was the morning after she had delivered Rick the bad knew that his kidney function was failing. Bella had checked in on his early that morning on her rounds while he had been sleeping so no conversation could be struck up between them, and now - after going home sick the day before - she was wishing she had just called in sick today. She was really struggling to cope and it was just early days. Maybe she would have a lot better chance at doing that if she wasn't over-stressed and carrying around the extra weight of her secret. She had a headache and although she wasn't throwing up at that point, the nausea was ever-presence and almost had her in tears again. There was nothing worse than feeling sick at work. She really couldn't completely explain why she soon found herself on the elevator to MT1. Hopefully Serena might be able to give her even a tiny insight into Chris' feelings so she at least knew what she was bracing herself for. If Chris was going to back out, things could get a lot more serious and tough for Rick very quickly. In fact, at this stage, she could give no guarantee that he would even survive on dialysis. Nothing that serious ever could give guarantees. Natural bodily functioning was always better than mechanical any day.
After being directed in Serena's direction by Dave, who obviously would know her secret from receiving a copy of the test results himself but merely gave her arm a squeeze and a reassuring smile without even bringing the subject up with her, Bella exited out onto the MT1 balcony and found the trauma resident there with a coffee in one hand and her cell phone in the other. "Got him on a tight leash, huh?" she joked, but as much as she wanted to smirk or smile, it just didn't come.
Serena pressed her lips together sheepishly. "For once, no. Well, kinda. I was trying to figure out how to order some girly stuff and get it delivered to Chris' without him wanting to open the packages, but then it was just making me think of him anyway and I just had to message him. I know he thinks I'm addicted and crazy and probably couldn't last a day without my phone, but hey... At least I still get to talk ot him. I can't help but miss him. Even if we were at work and couldn't always talk at least I knew he was still here. You know? Visual contact. It's important." She put her phone away after a moment and focused on Bella. As she took in her expression, Serena frowned. "Is everything okay?"
Bella pressed her lips together in amusement as she came over to the railing and leant on it, relieved her feet had something else to take her weight for a little while. "Well, he is a guy. You get packages sent, he's going to want to know what they are. They can't help themselves." She pointed behind her towards the main hospital. "He was crashed out in one of the seats outside Rick's room when I passed. God knows how he was managing to sleep in that position. It made me sore just looking at him. I hear he was there from around four this morning though. I guess trying to sleep at home just got the better of him. I just... um... has he said anything to you recently about how he feels about being Rick's kidney donor?"
Serena pointed a finger. "This is true. Just don't need him poking through my womanly potions. Even if he's never had a problem with my crap littering his place. He never even wanted me to tidy up the bathroom. And he's pretty good at putting the seat back down, but I've never been one of those chicks to just scream the house down if it's not. I mean, it's a toilet seat. Big deal. Takes about two seconds to flip back down. Also just means your ass gets a shock in the middle of the night when it meets cold ceramic if you forget to check..." Serena gave Bella a lopsided smile. "I really have been hanging around Chris for too long. I do random rambling now. Sorry. He's had a lot of trouble sleeping, but it's just hard to make him stop. I know he won't until he's sure Rick's out of the woods. But that's not about to happen is it?" Serena asked as her eyes narrowed slightly as soon as Bella mentioned Chris being Rick's kidney donor. "I think it's starting to catch up with him how massive it could be. Will be. He wanted to be able to think about it. He doesn't have the time, does he?"
Bella's hand clenched around the railing and she kept looking out over it, trying to brace herself. It just wasn't working. "He has all the time he needs. It's his call," she replied quietly. "Rick is the one who doesn't have the time." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, it felt like someone had kicked her in the gut. The enormity of everything was starting to set in and she had no idea how to handle it. She had gotten herself into the mess, and while it wasn't an ideal situation, learning you were pregnant when you you never thought it was possible had to be one of the most surreal things in the world to deal with. Surreal, perhaps, if the father of your baby wasn't flirting with a death sentence. She couldn't stop it. A sob caught in her throat and she put a hand up over her face to somehow try and stop it, but once the floodgates were open, there was no going back.
Serena froze, not sure if she'd broken Bella or not. She hadn't even touched the poor woman. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching before she stepped forward and cautiously patted Bella on the back before she gently hugged the oncologist. Serena had never had a problem with physical contact, but it wasn't like she knew Bella all that well. The woman was in tears though and Serena couldn't just let her sob without trying to hug her. "Hey, hey..." Serena could feel a lump catch in her own throat at hearing Rick was the one without time, but she was still confused about why Bella was breaking down unless it meant she really did care about the eldest Deleo brother. "Chris won't hesitate if he knows it's important. If he knows that's it's Rick's last chance..."
"You don't know that," Bella answered tearfully with a shake of her head. "You just don't. People react unpredictably in the face of cancer and a death sentence. Chris will be risking his own life here. He might be strong and he might be healthy, he might be a perfect match, but at the end of the day, he could be the one who doesn't make it through. You can't take someone's body part without there being extreme risks. No one - absolutely no one - would judge him if he said no, especially considering what little Rick has done for him over the years. But... but Chris could be Rick's only chance to live. They have one of the rarer blood types and Rick could be stuck on the transplant list a long time before anything even remotely close comes up. It's not the same this time. Chris can't just write a check to fix it."
Serena brushed her hand over Bella's back and nodded as she bit her lip. "Well, sure. And we're not pressing him. No one's asked him yet..." She pulled back a little as she tried to hunt for a tissue in the pocket of her white coat. "But, well, no offence, why's this hitting you so hard. You've had other patients with cancer obviously. And Rick's Rick. I know you two had a thing and there's been a little line crossing but is that all this is? Or is there something else... You can talk to me, you know. I'm sure we can find some way to describe the secrecy bubble."
Bella pulled away and shot Serena a teary glare. "What, I'm not allowed to be a little fucking upset that a guy I've slept with could die?!" she hissed, her professionalism slipping in favour of just about every other emotion pent up inside her. "You have the monopoly on caring, do you?! How would you have felt if you learnt Chris' life was on the damn line after just being with him a couple of times? A little line crossing? Why don't you tell me, Dr Warren? What did your 'little line crossing' turn into?"
Serena tucked her hands in her pockets as she stepped back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Of course I don't have the monopoly on caring. I just... Ignore me. Seriously. I'm sorry, Dr Watson. I really am. I mean, of course you'd care. I just get the feeling there's something more to it, you know? I wasn't sure if it was a conflict thing. Does Chris even know about Rick yet?"
Bella shook her head, hating herself. She just wanted to dig a hole and crawl into it. If she was this fucking transparent, she had no chance. "No, he doesn't. Rick asked me not to say anything to him until he talks to him himself." The tears were coming in full force. "I can't do this. I can't! I'm out. I'm handing Rick's care over to someone else. I can't take all these goddamn secrets! They aren't me, and I don't have the energy to do any of this anymore! You might have the strength to carry around so many secrets, but I don't!"
"Hey," Serena started as she held out her arms with her hands still in her pockets, "I never said I had the strength. I did it because I had to, and it's all out now. Well, except for Rick's secret, but if Rick wants to tell his brother himself then I can respect that. He couldn't even tell Chris he had cancer. He made Eva do it. I don't think you should take this personally when it's Rick obviously trying to do the right thing. It doesn't mean you can't talk to Chris about it. You just need to wait a little while until Rick talks to him. That doesn't mean you need to stop being his doctor either. It's just one secret. Two, I guess. The first being the sleeping together thing."
Bella lost her steam and it was all she could do not to slump against the railing and curl up on the floor in a ball. It was extremely tempting, to say the least. "I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, and it's Rick's," she found herself saying and then she cleared her throat, looking seriously at Serena as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands. "And you can't tell Chris. You can't tell Rick. I don't want anyone to know about this. The focus needs to stay on getting Rick a donor."
Serena just stood there in shock, staring at Bella for a long moment before she recovered her senses and gave a nod. "Sure, yeah. Of course. Secret's safe." She slowly took her hand out of her pocket and rest it on Bella's shoulder. "Are you okay? If you step down as Rick's doctor he's going to want to know why. I realise it's not going to be easy to carry on with that kind of a secret hanging over you, but he'll want to know. He really cares about you, Bella."
"It's got nothing to do with my feelings. I'm just exhausted. I can hardly think straight. It's almost like I haven't felt this drained since... since I was sick. I don't know if I have the stamina to be pulled into the middle of Chris and Rick's family issues, and I have been. I never intended to be pulled into Rick's world at all, and I shouldn't have. It wasn't a mistake, it was just reckless. I should have kept my distance. The whole thing is my fault, and I'll wear that. I will. This is not something that can come out right now. One thing." Bella held up her finger. "One thing they need to think about and that is giving Rick the best chance of survival. Skewed focus skews rational thinking. Chris needs to make an informed decision about whether he wants to be Rick's donor. If he doesn't, then we need to go a different route."
"But still 'we'," Serena repeated as she raised an eyebrow slightly. "Look, I won't argue with you about Rick needing to be the focus. And maybe you do need to keep quiet about this, but don't let it get to the point where the kid is nineteen before you do say something. Especially if Rick... If Rick..." She shook her head as she held up her hand. Even if she was a doctor, that didn't mean she took the fact that her almost-brother-in-law was going to die very well. "But if you do ever need anything, please just ask. Okay?"
"The ball's in his brother's court, not mine," Bella returned quietly and then cleared her throat. "I'll leave you to it. I'm sorry I bothered you on your shift. I just didn't know if you could indicate Chris' frame of mind in regard to this. If he's going to pull out, I'd rather be forewarned to put other options into place. Like I said, he's over in our unit if you need to see him. I hope your day isn't too hectic," she murmured, burying her hands into her pockets and pulling the coat around herself again.
Serena shook her head. "You don't need to rush away, it's fine. I'm just catching my breath while I can. And waiting on path. Big surprise there, right? You didn't bother me. Chris was starting to get a little worried about it when he had lunch with me and my brother. Drew asked him, we both did. He wasn't as confident as he was before. I think the enormity's just starting to hit him. I don't know if he'll pull out. I don't know what he'll do. I just know he'll do a lot for his brother."
Bella was still hugging herself. It was a habit hard to shake when she wanted to try and block the rest of the world out and hide. She couldn't help being worried about this whole thing. What would a pregnancy mean for her own health? Would it put her out of action whether she wanted it or not? "What about you? How do you feel about Chris laying his life and health on the line for a brother who has hardly done anything for him? Hardly seemed to even care? You could be the one left picking up the pieces."
"I feel like..." Serena stopped as she took a few moments to consider how she did feel. "I don't want Rick to run out on him. If he deserts Chris after taking a kidney, it'll kill Chris. Maybe he thinks he's taken enough blows to take another one, but he won't. I don't even know if there'll be pieces to pick up. Chris might just... dissolve. Having said that, I think Rick really wants to do the right thing by Chris right now and I don't think Chris is ready to let go of it. If he gives Rick his kidney, it'll be a huge step and it might give them the time they need to really sort their relationship out. It's huge, of course it's huge. It's Chris giving up an organ if he goes with it. The ramifications are massive, and I'm scared about it. I'd be stupid not to be. I'm scared for Chris, for Rick... I'm not ready to lose Chris just like he's not ready to lose his brother."
"Chris might die," Bella corrected quietly, watching Serena closely. "It's important everyone is aware of the facts. There is no guarantee Rick's body will even accept the kidney either. Chris could get sick, he might never recover the same. In saying that, it could also go without a hitch. But the whole picture needs to be looked at in a decision like this. As nice as all that sounds, I'm sorry, I just can't be rolling with a decision to surgically remove a body part in hopes it repairs a family relationship. I just can't. If that is all the decision is going to be based on, then it's wrong. It's for the wrong reasons. Chris has a lot to lose. Any complications, and he might not even be fit enough to do a job like being a trauma surgeon. Chris needs to do more than just talk to Rick before he makes a decision. In fact, he might even need to be well away from Rick in order to make it soundly."
"I'd take him away, but maybe he should be away from me too," Serena said quietly. The lump was back and it broke as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. "I don't want him to die. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him. I can't stop him if it's what he wants, and I feel like a stupid bitch if I even think about asking him not to. I don't know... I can't even... It's complicated whatever way you look at it."
Bella looked up at the sky and then closed her eyes. "Thank god someone finally gets it," she murmured. "I was starting to think you lot had screws loose, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. There is nothing worse as a doctor trying to give someone all the facets, good and bad, and only have them continously spew optimism at you. It's draining. Of course it's complicated, and there is no easy or good answer here. Rick has cancer, without a new kidney, he will die. It might not be tomorrow, or the next day, or even in a year, but it will eventually kill him. Cancer isn't just something chemo will miraculously fix. Sometimes it does, other times, it's merely a band-aid fix and needs to be taken with other tactics. As much as I hate to say it, because it feels like I'm rubbing his face in it, but if he hadn't done that experimental surgery and had chemo from the get-go, it wouldn't have spread as quickly as it did. Maybe for the first time in his life, he is actually seeing the enormity of his bad choices and this time, Chris can't just bail him out and fix it. Not without putting himself at risk."
Serena nodded as she leaned against the railing again, her hands gripping her coffee cup tightly. By now it had probably gone cold, but it was now more prop than anything else. "It's probably just a coping mechanism. A shitty one, but still a coping mechanism. It's hard to know how anyone is supposed to deal with this. Some people slip into straight out denial... some spew optimism. Rick had the denial in the first place. He couldn't even talk to his brother about it, and then he has that surgery that was meant to be a quick fix. It sucks. Chris is having trouble because he doesn't know how to relate to his brother, he doesn't know how to fix this. He can't fix this. I can't help him fix it. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do."
"I'm not saying it's not a coping mechanism, I'm just saying that I am trying to save his life and I need to make sure all of you are taking this the best way you can. Not just Rick. Welcome to the world of an oncologist. It's never just about the patient and the here and now. It's about the patient, and everyone the patient loves. It's about their life, what is left of it, it's about their death and about their future if I can give them one. It's about making sure the people important to the patient know everything they need to know, the good and the bad." Bella turned around and leant back against the railing. She fell quiet for a few moments, watching the passing MT1 parade beyond the glass windows. Dave walked by with Proctor, and although they were both in an intent conversation as they passed, Bella watched her patient, ironically realising that she was technically his patient too now. She took Serena's arm and turned around to point at Dave and Proctor. "That's where I want to get Rick back to. Just over a year ago, Dave's family was planning his funeral."
Serena caught a glimpse of Dave and Proctor just before they passed out of sight completely and gave a nod. She wanted Rick to be at that point too, but it seemed like a long time from now. She wasn't even sure he'd make it through next week. She had no idea what to think anymore. But she wanted to believe that it was possible for Rick to recover. "What do you want? In all honesty, as his doctor, as his... something... What would you really be wanting for him? Do you want Chris to be a donor? And for the record, I really don't envy you. I think you're a pretty amazing oncologist, and I'm just in awe."
"I want him to live, Serena. That's all I want for him," Bella murmured. "And Chris is his best chance of survival. It's not about what I want, though. It's not about what anyone wants, it's about what can happen and what can work, in the best case scenario. At the end of the day, we have one brother with two diseased and dying kidneys and one with two healthy ones. They have the same blood type and same tissue type. But Chris needs to think about his own life, about his own wants. If he think he can do this and still be comfortable within himself for doing it, then that's exactly the outcome we need. It's too late for regrets once he's on that table and they're putting his kidney into his brother. It's too late for regrets if he wakes up with less of a functioning life than he has now. It's too late for regrets if he crashes on the table and dies. That's all I'm saying here."
Serena took a deep breath and glanced back into MT1 as she ran her fingers through her blonde hair. "I think I need to ask Proctor for some time off. Chris won't be the one to take himself away. He'll refuse to leave Rick. Even if he struggles trying to come to a decision. I'll get him to the beach, take him somewhere secluded..." She looked at Bella. "I'd ask you to watch over Rick, but that really would be crossing the line. I'll talk to Dave and Aims. I don't want him to have regrets like that. It's not fair."
Bella nodded and put her hands in her pockets again. "I need to go to my doctor anyway, so I won't be around this afternoon. Plus, I have to make sure my brother is getting back on his feet. It's been a hell of a week all around. I'll have my pager and cell with me, but I think in the very least, Chris should take the next day or so to think it over. All assuming Rick can find the guts to broach the subject with him. If Rick won't ask him, it's not even a consideration anyway. We can't do it without either of their consent, obviously."
"Not if we want to keep our licences," Serena replied with a slight smirk. "I guess I need to find out if Chris knows yet before I try and make getaway plans. I still might mention something to Dave to sound him out about taking Rick duties for a little while. I still mean it about talking to me if you ever need to. I'm not always an insensitive cow. And thanks for everything."
Bella took her hand from her pocket and gave a small, dismissive wave. "No thank yous are needed. Just take care of your boyfriend, he needs it. I'll be fine. It's fine..." She gave Serena a small smile and then turned to go back into the hospital without another word. In the face of everything else, maybe she just needed to stick her head in the sand with this a little longer.
It was the morning after she had delivered Rick the bad knew that his kidney function was failing. Bella had checked in on his early that morning on her rounds while he had been sleeping so no conversation could be struck up between them, and now - after going home sick the day before - she was wishing she had just called in sick today. She was really struggling to cope and it was just early days. Maybe she would have a lot better chance at doing that if she wasn't over-stressed and carrying around the extra weight of her secret. She had a headache and although she wasn't throwing up at that point, the nausea was ever-presence and almost had her in tears again. There was nothing worse than feeling sick at work. She really couldn't completely explain why she soon found herself on the elevator to MT1. Hopefully Serena might be able to give her even a tiny insight into Chris' feelings so she at least knew what she was bracing herself for. If Chris was going to back out, things could get a lot more serious and tough for Rick very quickly. In fact, at this stage, she could give no guarantee that he would even survive on dialysis. Nothing that serious ever could give guarantees. Natural bodily functioning was always better than mechanical any day.
After being directed in Serena's direction by Dave, who obviously would know her secret from receiving a copy of the test results himself but merely gave her arm a squeeze and a reassuring smile without even bringing the subject up with her, Bella exited out onto the MT1 balcony and found the trauma resident there with a coffee in one hand and her cell phone in the other. "Got him on a tight leash, huh?" she joked, but as much as she wanted to smirk or smile, it just didn't come.
Serena pressed her lips together sheepishly. "For once, no. Well, kinda. I was trying to figure out how to order some girly stuff and get it delivered to Chris' without him wanting to open the packages, but then it was just making me think of him anyway and I just had to message him. I know he thinks I'm addicted and crazy and probably couldn't last a day without my phone, but hey... At least I still get to talk ot him. I can't help but miss him. Even if we were at work and couldn't always talk at least I knew he was still here. You know? Visual contact. It's important." She put her phone away after a moment and focused on Bella. As she took in her expression, Serena frowned. "Is everything okay?"
Bella pressed her lips together in amusement as she came over to the railing and leant on it, relieved her feet had something else to take her weight for a little while. "Well, he is a guy. You get packages sent, he's going to want to know what they are. They can't help themselves." She pointed behind her towards the main hospital. "He was crashed out in one of the seats outside Rick's room when I passed. God knows how he was managing to sleep in that position. It made me sore just looking at him. I hear he was there from around four this morning though. I guess trying to sleep at home just got the better of him. I just... um... has he said anything to you recently about how he feels about being Rick's kidney donor?"
Serena pointed a finger. "This is true. Just don't need him poking through my womanly potions. Even if he's never had a problem with my crap littering his place. He never even wanted me to tidy up the bathroom. And he's pretty good at putting the seat back down, but I've never been one of those chicks to just scream the house down if it's not. I mean, it's a toilet seat. Big deal. Takes about two seconds to flip back down. Also just means your ass gets a shock in the middle of the night when it meets cold ceramic if you forget to check..." Serena gave Bella a lopsided smile. "I really have been hanging around Chris for too long. I do random rambling now. Sorry. He's had a lot of trouble sleeping, but it's just hard to make him stop. I know he won't until he's sure Rick's out of the woods. But that's not about to happen is it?" Serena asked as her eyes narrowed slightly as soon as Bella mentioned Chris being Rick's kidney donor. "I think it's starting to catch up with him how massive it could be. Will be. He wanted to be able to think about it. He doesn't have the time, does he?"
Bella's hand clenched around the railing and she kept looking out over it, trying to brace herself. It just wasn't working. "He has all the time he needs. It's his call," she replied quietly. "Rick is the one who doesn't have the time." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, it felt like someone had kicked her in the gut. The enormity of everything was starting to set in and she had no idea how to handle it. She had gotten herself into the mess, and while it wasn't an ideal situation, learning you were pregnant when you you never thought it was possible had to be one of the most surreal things in the world to deal with. Surreal, perhaps, if the father of your baby wasn't flirting with a death sentence. She couldn't stop it. A sob caught in her throat and she put a hand up over her face to somehow try and stop it, but once the floodgates were open, there was no going back.
Serena froze, not sure if she'd broken Bella or not. She hadn't even touched the poor woman. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching before she stepped forward and cautiously patted Bella on the back before she gently hugged the oncologist. Serena had never had a problem with physical contact, but it wasn't like she knew Bella all that well. The woman was in tears though and Serena couldn't just let her sob without trying to hug her. "Hey, hey..." Serena could feel a lump catch in her own throat at hearing Rick was the one without time, but she was still confused about why Bella was breaking down unless it meant she really did care about the eldest Deleo brother. "Chris won't hesitate if he knows it's important. If he knows that's it's Rick's last chance..."
"You don't know that," Bella answered tearfully with a shake of her head. "You just don't. People react unpredictably in the face of cancer and a death sentence. Chris will be risking his own life here. He might be strong and he might be healthy, he might be a perfect match, but at the end of the day, he could be the one who doesn't make it through. You can't take someone's body part without there being extreme risks. No one - absolutely no one - would judge him if he said no, especially considering what little Rick has done for him over the years. But... but Chris could be Rick's only chance to live. They have one of the rarer blood types and Rick could be stuck on the transplant list a long time before anything even remotely close comes up. It's not the same this time. Chris can't just write a check to fix it."
Serena brushed her hand over Bella's back and nodded as she bit her lip. "Well, sure. And we're not pressing him. No one's asked him yet..." She pulled back a little as she tried to hunt for a tissue in the pocket of her white coat. "But, well, no offence, why's this hitting you so hard. You've had other patients with cancer obviously. And Rick's Rick. I know you two had a thing and there's been a little line crossing but is that all this is? Or is there something else... You can talk to me, you know. I'm sure we can find some way to describe the secrecy bubble."
Bella pulled away and shot Serena a teary glare. "What, I'm not allowed to be a little fucking upset that a guy I've slept with could die?!" she hissed, her professionalism slipping in favour of just about every other emotion pent up inside her. "You have the monopoly on caring, do you?! How would you have felt if you learnt Chris' life was on the damn line after just being with him a couple of times? A little line crossing? Why don't you tell me, Dr Warren? What did your 'little line crossing' turn into?"
Serena tucked her hands in her pockets as she stepped back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Of course I don't have the monopoly on caring. I just... Ignore me. Seriously. I'm sorry, Dr Watson. I really am. I mean, of course you'd care. I just get the feeling there's something more to it, you know? I wasn't sure if it was a conflict thing. Does Chris even know about Rick yet?"
Bella shook her head, hating herself. She just wanted to dig a hole and crawl into it. If she was this fucking transparent, she had no chance. "No, he doesn't. Rick asked me not to say anything to him until he talks to him himself." The tears were coming in full force. "I can't do this. I can't! I'm out. I'm handing Rick's care over to someone else. I can't take all these goddamn secrets! They aren't me, and I don't have the energy to do any of this anymore! You might have the strength to carry around so many secrets, but I don't!"
"Hey," Serena started as she held out her arms with her hands still in her pockets, "I never said I had the strength. I did it because I had to, and it's all out now. Well, except for Rick's secret, but if Rick wants to tell his brother himself then I can respect that. He couldn't even tell Chris he had cancer. He made Eva do it. I don't think you should take this personally when it's Rick obviously trying to do the right thing. It doesn't mean you can't talk to Chris about it. You just need to wait a little while until Rick talks to him. That doesn't mean you need to stop being his doctor either. It's just one secret. Two, I guess. The first being the sleeping together thing."
Bella lost her steam and it was all she could do not to slump against the railing and curl up on the floor in a ball. It was extremely tempting, to say the least. "I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, and it's Rick's," she found herself saying and then she cleared her throat, looking seriously at Serena as she wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands. "And you can't tell Chris. You can't tell Rick. I don't want anyone to know about this. The focus needs to stay on getting Rick a donor."
Serena just stood there in shock, staring at Bella for a long moment before she recovered her senses and gave a nod. "Sure, yeah. Of course. Secret's safe." She slowly took her hand out of her pocket and rest it on Bella's shoulder. "Are you okay? If you step down as Rick's doctor he's going to want to know why. I realise it's not going to be easy to carry on with that kind of a secret hanging over you, but he'll want to know. He really cares about you, Bella."
"It's got nothing to do with my feelings. I'm just exhausted. I can hardly think straight. It's almost like I haven't felt this drained since... since I was sick. I don't know if I have the stamina to be pulled into the middle of Chris and Rick's family issues, and I have been. I never intended to be pulled into Rick's world at all, and I shouldn't have. It wasn't a mistake, it was just reckless. I should have kept my distance. The whole thing is my fault, and I'll wear that. I will. This is not something that can come out right now. One thing." Bella held up her finger. "One thing they need to think about and that is giving Rick the best chance of survival. Skewed focus skews rational thinking. Chris needs to make an informed decision about whether he wants to be Rick's donor. If he doesn't, then we need to go a different route."
"But still 'we'," Serena repeated as she raised an eyebrow slightly. "Look, I won't argue with you about Rick needing to be the focus. And maybe you do need to keep quiet about this, but don't let it get to the point where the kid is nineteen before you do say something. Especially if Rick... If Rick..." She shook her head as she held up her hand. Even if she was a doctor, that didn't mean she took the fact that her almost-brother-in-law was going to die very well. "But if you do ever need anything, please just ask. Okay?"
"The ball's in his brother's court, not mine," Bella returned quietly and then cleared her throat. "I'll leave you to it. I'm sorry I bothered you on your shift. I just didn't know if you could indicate Chris' frame of mind in regard to this. If he's going to pull out, I'd rather be forewarned to put other options into place. Like I said, he's over in our unit if you need to see him. I hope your day isn't too hectic," she murmured, burying her hands into her pockets and pulling the coat around herself again.
Serena shook her head. "You don't need to rush away, it's fine. I'm just catching my breath while I can. And waiting on path. Big surprise there, right? You didn't bother me. Chris was starting to get a little worried about it when he had lunch with me and my brother. Drew asked him, we both did. He wasn't as confident as he was before. I think the enormity's just starting to hit him. I don't know if he'll pull out. I don't know what he'll do. I just know he'll do a lot for his brother."
Bella was still hugging herself. It was a habit hard to shake when she wanted to try and block the rest of the world out and hide. She couldn't help being worried about this whole thing. What would a pregnancy mean for her own health? Would it put her out of action whether she wanted it or not? "What about you? How do you feel about Chris laying his life and health on the line for a brother who has hardly done anything for him? Hardly seemed to even care? You could be the one left picking up the pieces."
"I feel like..." Serena stopped as she took a few moments to consider how she did feel. "I don't want Rick to run out on him. If he deserts Chris after taking a kidney, it'll kill Chris. Maybe he thinks he's taken enough blows to take another one, but he won't. I don't even know if there'll be pieces to pick up. Chris might just... dissolve. Having said that, I think Rick really wants to do the right thing by Chris right now and I don't think Chris is ready to let go of it. If he gives Rick his kidney, it'll be a huge step and it might give them the time they need to really sort their relationship out. It's huge, of course it's huge. It's Chris giving up an organ if he goes with it. The ramifications are massive, and I'm scared about it. I'd be stupid not to be. I'm scared for Chris, for Rick... I'm not ready to lose Chris just like he's not ready to lose his brother."
"Chris might die," Bella corrected quietly, watching Serena closely. "It's important everyone is aware of the facts. There is no guarantee Rick's body will even accept the kidney either. Chris could get sick, he might never recover the same. In saying that, it could also go without a hitch. But the whole picture needs to be looked at in a decision like this. As nice as all that sounds, I'm sorry, I just can't be rolling with a decision to surgically remove a body part in hopes it repairs a family relationship. I just can't. If that is all the decision is going to be based on, then it's wrong. It's for the wrong reasons. Chris has a lot to lose. Any complications, and he might not even be fit enough to do a job like being a trauma surgeon. Chris needs to do more than just talk to Rick before he makes a decision. In fact, he might even need to be well away from Rick in order to make it soundly."
"I'd take him away, but maybe he should be away from me too," Serena said quietly. The lump was back and it broke as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. "I don't want him to die. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him. I can't stop him if it's what he wants, and I feel like a stupid bitch if I even think about asking him not to. I don't know... I can't even... It's complicated whatever way you look at it."
Bella looked up at the sky and then closed her eyes. "Thank god someone finally gets it," she murmured. "I was starting to think you lot had screws loose, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. There is nothing worse as a doctor trying to give someone all the facets, good and bad, and only have them continously spew optimism at you. It's draining. Of course it's complicated, and there is no easy or good answer here. Rick has cancer, without a new kidney, he will die. It might not be tomorrow, or the next day, or even in a year, but it will eventually kill him. Cancer isn't just something chemo will miraculously fix. Sometimes it does, other times, it's merely a band-aid fix and needs to be taken with other tactics. As much as I hate to say it, because it feels like I'm rubbing his face in it, but if he hadn't done that experimental surgery and had chemo from the get-go, it wouldn't have spread as quickly as it did. Maybe for the first time in his life, he is actually seeing the enormity of his bad choices and this time, Chris can't just bail him out and fix it. Not without putting himself at risk."
Serena nodded as she leaned against the railing again, her hands gripping her coffee cup tightly. By now it had probably gone cold, but it was now more prop than anything else. "It's probably just a coping mechanism. A shitty one, but still a coping mechanism. It's hard to know how anyone is supposed to deal with this. Some people slip into straight out denial... some spew optimism. Rick had the denial in the first place. He couldn't even talk to his brother about it, and then he has that surgery that was meant to be a quick fix. It sucks. Chris is having trouble because he doesn't know how to relate to his brother, he doesn't know how to fix this. He can't fix this. I can't help him fix it. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do."
"I'm not saying it's not a coping mechanism, I'm just saying that I am trying to save his life and I need to make sure all of you are taking this the best way you can. Not just Rick. Welcome to the world of an oncologist. It's never just about the patient and the here and now. It's about the patient, and everyone the patient loves. It's about their life, what is left of it, it's about their death and about their future if I can give them one. It's about making sure the people important to the patient know everything they need to know, the good and the bad." Bella turned around and leant back against the railing. She fell quiet for a few moments, watching the passing MT1 parade beyond the glass windows. Dave walked by with Proctor, and although they were both in an intent conversation as they passed, Bella watched her patient, ironically realising that she was technically his patient too now. She took Serena's arm and turned around to point at Dave and Proctor. "That's where I want to get Rick back to. Just over a year ago, Dave's family was planning his funeral."
Serena caught a glimpse of Dave and Proctor just before they passed out of sight completely and gave a nod. She wanted Rick to be at that point too, but it seemed like a long time from now. She wasn't even sure he'd make it through next week. She had no idea what to think anymore. But she wanted to believe that it was possible for Rick to recover. "What do you want? In all honesty, as his doctor, as his... something... What would you really be wanting for him? Do you want Chris to be a donor? And for the record, I really don't envy you. I think you're a pretty amazing oncologist, and I'm just in awe."
"I want him to live, Serena. That's all I want for him," Bella murmured. "And Chris is his best chance of survival. It's not about what I want, though. It's not about what anyone wants, it's about what can happen and what can work, in the best case scenario. At the end of the day, we have one brother with two diseased and dying kidneys and one with two healthy ones. They have the same blood type and same tissue type. But Chris needs to think about his own life, about his own wants. If he think he can do this and still be comfortable within himself for doing it, then that's exactly the outcome we need. It's too late for regrets once he's on that table and they're putting his kidney into his brother. It's too late for regrets if he wakes up with less of a functioning life than he has now. It's too late for regrets if he crashes on the table and dies. That's all I'm saying here."
Serena took a deep breath and glanced back into MT1 as she ran her fingers through her blonde hair. "I think I need to ask Proctor for some time off. Chris won't be the one to take himself away. He'll refuse to leave Rick. Even if he struggles trying to come to a decision. I'll get him to the beach, take him somewhere secluded..." She looked at Bella. "I'd ask you to watch over Rick, but that really would be crossing the line. I'll talk to Dave and Aims. I don't want him to have regrets like that. It's not fair."
Bella nodded and put her hands in her pockets again. "I need to go to my doctor anyway, so I won't be around this afternoon. Plus, I have to make sure my brother is getting back on his feet. It's been a hell of a week all around. I'll have my pager and cell with me, but I think in the very least, Chris should take the next day or so to think it over. All assuming Rick can find the guts to broach the subject with him. If Rick won't ask him, it's not even a consideration anyway. We can't do it without either of their consent, obviously."
"Not if we want to keep our licences," Serena replied with a slight smirk. "I guess I need to find out if Chris knows yet before I try and make getaway plans. I still might mention something to Dave to sound him out about taking Rick duties for a little while. I still mean it about talking to me if you ever need to. I'm not always an insensitive cow. And thanks for everything."
Bella took her hand from her pocket and gave a small, dismissive wave. "No thank yous are needed. Just take care of your boyfriend, he needs it. I'll be fine. It's fine..." She gave Serena a small smile and then turned to go back into the hospital without another word. In the face of everything else, maybe she just needed to stick her head in the sand with this a little longer.