PHONE CALL with geniuscowboy | I Want It All
Chris kept true to his word and changed the station in Rick's car to something more conducive to his ears. In fact, for a good portion of the drive, he had been singing along to all his favourite classics after ending up plugging his iPod in when the radio just turned out to be crap on any station. He needed to get a few things out of his system, and he needed fresh air and a change of scenery to do it. He had the windows down as he drove along the back streets towards Lake Wimico in Rick's classic and beloved car (in fact, one of the loans to Rick from Chris had been for a deposit on this very set of wheels), now only about an hour out from the place. The current song came to an end and he took the break in the music to pick up his extra large Slusho and take a large drink from it just as Queen's 'I Want It All' started to blast through the speakers and he put the drink back down to start tapping to the beat on the wheel. Of course when the chorus came, he turned the volumn up and started to sing along passionately. It was an ironic song to come on the radio, and very fitting to how he was feeling.
He nearly didn't hear his phone start ringing he was so engrossed in pretending to be Freddy Mercury, only blonde and way better teeth, obviously. He only realised it was ringing when the lit up screen caught his eye and he could see Serena's picture flashing to alert him to who it was. He flicked the button on his radio to turn it down and then grabbed up his phone to answer it. "Hey, babe," he answered, glancing into the rearview mirror to see it was okay to change lanes. There was a rest stop up ahead and he could really use a pee anyway, so he pulled into it so he didn't have to talk and drive.
"Hope you're using the hands free. Wouldn't want you getting into any trouble," Serena told him as she sat on their bed after making it home after her shift. Rick was still at the hospital and without Chris the place seemed really empty. She'd got a text to say he was leaving, and she really couldn't blame him. She'd maybe wanted to take him away herself, but she got the fact that he did want to be alone when it came to decision time. "I miss you already. How stupid is that?"
Chris smirked as he pulled the car into lot and shut if off. "Pretty stupid. I haven't been gone long. It's not like I'm going for weeks, and I'm still in the state." He opened the car door and took his drink with him when he got out, unable to completely stifle a sigh. She would miss him a whole lot more if he died from surgical complications, but it wasn't a thought he voiced to her.
"Guess maybe I take it for granted that I was seeing you all day, every day. It's easy to fall into a false sense of mucho quality time." Serena had already toed off her shoes and now stretched back as she cradled the phone against her shoulder and started to get out of her jeans. "I don't know if you know, but I know. I spoke to Bella. Or rather she spoke to me. And then I broke her and made her cry."
Chris went over to one of the picnic tables, and instead of sitting on the bench, he climbed up to sit on the table with his feet on the seat. No one else was stopped there, so he was on his own and besides the odd passing car on the road, it was quite peaceful. "I'll probably be home tonight. Early morning at the latest," he told her and sat his drink down beside him. "I wouldn't take that personally, babe. I think Rick broke her. She cried with him, too..." Now that he didn't have the music or driving to distract him, the heavy weight of the decision was back. "Can't say I can judge."
"You're crying?" Serena asked him softly as she pulled back the covers and slipped between them, lying on her side so she could hold the phone against her ear. "Or did you make Bella cry as well? I just feel awful..." Of course Serena also knew a lot of why Bella had been crying, but she couldn't tell Chris. She was silently cursing herself for agreeing to not saying a word, and Bella for telling her in the first place about the pregnancy. "I know it's not easy on any of us."
"Was..." Chris replied. He didn't know how long that would stay past tense. "Yeah, not easy on any of us. Except, most of you get to keep your perfect healthy kidneys in your body, where they belong, functioning healthily and doing... kidney things." He picked up his drink and took a sip. "I dunno what to do, babe. I have no idea."
Serena sucked in a breath, wishing that she could have at least given Chris a hug before he vanished. "I'm sorry, baby. I really am. I would never wish this choice on you. And I have to be honest because I'm pretty sure it's important... But a part of me doesn't want you to do it. I don't want you to die." Her voice cracked and she had to bite her lip down hard to try and stop a sob escaping. Ever since the talk with Bella, it was all she could think about. "But I know it's your choice. I know you'd save your brother if you could. And I'll be here for you no matter what decision you make."
Chris put the drink down so he could cover his eyes as he listened to her talk. "It's okay. Doesn't make you a bad person. I don't know if I want to do it. I'm scared, and I know that's hypocritical coming from a surgeon, but this isn't just surgery, it's transplantation and there is nothing certain about that. But if I don't, he might die, and the way she explained it as spreading, even the dialysis might not keep him alive for very long. He could get an infection and just..." The words caught in his throat again and he couldn't continued.
"Chris," Serena said quietly, any other words failing as she tried to hold it together. "This isn't really going to be something that has any good outcomes until it's done and we just wait and see. This sucks. It seriously fucking sucks and I wish cancer was a person who's balls I could break. I won't promise that Rick will be okay. I can't even promise that you will be. I don't know what you should do either, and it sucks. I wish I could help better."
"... I just feel like I want to throw up, or hit something. I was banking on that chemo working so he would be okay and this wasn't even an issue, but as soon as she told me there was something wrong and she wanted more tests, I just knew. I knew, and I have no fucking idea how to deal with that. I'm terrified something is going to go wrong. I'm terrified he's going to die, but I'm also absolutely freaking out that something might happen and I might not be able to keep working, or keep doing any of the things I love. But he's my brother, and he could die. He could... die," Chris said when he started to cry again. "But I don't know if I want to give him my kidney," he admitted through a sob.
"It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. It might seem like it, but it doesn't," Serena said as she shifted to hug the pillow in place of being able to hug Chris. Hearing him cry and knowing he was several hours away just hurt. "And it's okay to be scared. This isn't some average, every day thing. Having said that, lots of people go through transplants and they're okay. It's not always bad... I just wish I knew what to tell you, baby. I really do, but I'm as clueless as you when it comes to thinking outside of the medical stuff. Is there anything that you can hit without too much damage to your hand? Maybe you should find a junkyard and blow something up."
Chris wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, yet again finding himself trying to reign in his out of control emotions. "It's okay. It's just nice to hear your voice. Can't expect anyone else to have the answers when I have no clue myself," he replied tearfully and glanced around with a slight laugh. "Yeah, kinda in the middle of nowhere right now. Hitting a tree isn't going to make me feel any better. Fucking hell, what was I thinking coming up here?"
Serena sniffed as quietly as she could, pressing her face into the pillow that still smelt like Chris' cologne. "I don't know, what were you thinking? You must be up there for a reason... Something you thought the place could give you. At least you for the solitude part happening."
"I just wanted to go to the place where we used to go fishing. I dunno... I guess it's where I felt closest to him. I thought it would give me the answers. But I've not even hit Lake Wimico yet, and it already just feels strange. I haven't been back in years. I had no intentions of even stopping to see mom either, and now I feel guilty. I don't think she knows about Rick. I shouldn't have come, I really don't know what I was thinking," Chris mumbled and got up off the table to start pacing restlessly. For a little while in the car there, he had managed to push everything out of his mind and live in the moment with the music. Now it was just all back and he hated it.
"Why don't you see your mom? I know it wasn't part of the plan, but it might help just a little. Not that I even know how things are between you. She should know about Rick... Even if he hasn't told her for a reason. No more secrets. Maybe you had to see it to know how you feel about it? If Rick ever does get through this - if you both do, there's a chance to find new places for new memories. Better memories. Maybe this is about letting go of the past, or something. I don't know."
Chris shook his head. "I don't have the energy or the strength to tell her this. Why should I do his dirty work? Isn't fucking stealing my kidney enough right now?!" He really didn't mean to snap, and his mood was changing before he could even stop it, making him realise that maybe part of the reason he was balking about the transplant was because he was still so angry at Rick for not being there for him. It caused him to stop pacing and his shoulders slumped, so he rested his hand on his hip and just stood there for a few long moments staring at the ground. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to snap."
"It's okay... I'm sorry for mentioning it," Serena told him quietly. They fell into a silence again and Serena tried to put herself in Chris' shoes, but she just failed. She knew that if it was her and Drew in Chris and Rick's places things would be different. She plucked at the pillow case with her fingers and let her eyes fall closed for a moment. "Maybe you just really need to have it out with Rick. Just tell him everything... Tell him how you're feeling, why you're having doubts... Why you're angry."
"I'm not angry. Not really. I was angry in the past and it's still there, I guess, but it's... fear. I know he's my brother and he's been my brother my whole life, but it never really felt like it. He's never done anything for me. It's always me doing stuff for him. Hell, I have memories of feeling sick when I was a kid and he was pissing off out with his mates to get drunk when he was, like, sixteen. I never had anyone to go to who would bail me out if I fucked up, no one I could call up and just ask for help. Not until college anyway when I finally got away from Wimico. I've done everything for him. I've nearly been broke for him. I helped him when he got so drunk off his face and covered for him so mom wouldn't find out. Maybe I've just reached my quota," Chris said quietly.
"And no one would blame you for that one bit. So it's okay to have reached your quota. It's okay to not be able to step up and give him your kidney. It doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad brother." Serena ran her tongue over her lips and moved onto her back to stare up at the ceiling as she kept one arm around the Chris-pillow. "Maybe this is just the one thing you can't do without having seen him do something for you. And that's okay. It is. You're allowed to say no."
"Yes, it does," Chris said as he choked back another sob. "It does make me a bad brother. Everyone else would do it without having to think about it. It wouldn't be a question. Maybe I'm holding my kidney hostage to punish him? That makes me a bad person. Maybe I'm worried if he gets better, he'll fuck off again and I'll never see him!"
"Then tell him that," Serena urged Chris gently. "And to be fair, not everyone that would just do it automatically has had the same relationship with their brother as you have. I'd do it for Drew, but I'd still be pissing my panties. It's effectively a leap of medical faith no matter how much you love your brother."
Chris had that lost and confused feeling setting in again. He looked at his watch when he realised it was getting dark now and he scratched his head. "I'll think about it some more. I should keep on if I'm going to get there before it gets dark. Hopefully I remember my way around the place. I'll probably just stick around for the night and then head back tomorrow. Are you working tomorrow?"
"Day off," Serena breathed out with a relieved sigh. She'd still be here when Chris returned. "Just drive safe, okay? And if you feel an urge to still hit a tree then make sure you wrap something around your hand so you don't wind up being hurt too much. Take as much time as you need. I'll be here."
Chris nodded. "Okay," he mumured with a small sigh of his own. He picked up his drink and headed back to the car, leaning in to put it back in the drink holder. He still had to go to the bathroom before he hit the road again. "I'll see you soon, babe. I love you. Get some rest, alright?"
Serena smiled softly as she rolled back over to hug the Chris-pillow tightly. "I love you too, baby. See you soon."
He nearly didn't hear his phone start ringing he was so engrossed in pretending to be Freddy Mercury, only blonde and way better teeth, obviously. He only realised it was ringing when the lit up screen caught his eye and he could see Serena's picture flashing to alert him to who it was. He flicked the button on his radio to turn it down and then grabbed up his phone to answer it. "Hey, babe," he answered, glancing into the rearview mirror to see it was okay to change lanes. There was a rest stop up ahead and he could really use a pee anyway, so he pulled into it so he didn't have to talk and drive.
"Hope you're using the hands free. Wouldn't want you getting into any trouble," Serena told him as she sat on their bed after making it home after her shift. Rick was still at the hospital and without Chris the place seemed really empty. She'd got a text to say he was leaving, and she really couldn't blame him. She'd maybe wanted to take him away herself, but she got the fact that he did want to be alone when it came to decision time. "I miss you already. How stupid is that?"
Chris smirked as he pulled the car into lot and shut if off. "Pretty stupid. I haven't been gone long. It's not like I'm going for weeks, and I'm still in the state." He opened the car door and took his drink with him when he got out, unable to completely stifle a sigh. She would miss him a whole lot more if he died from surgical complications, but it wasn't a thought he voiced to her.
"Guess maybe I take it for granted that I was seeing you all day, every day. It's easy to fall into a false sense of mucho quality time." Serena had already toed off her shoes and now stretched back as she cradled the phone against her shoulder and started to get out of her jeans. "I don't know if you know, but I know. I spoke to Bella. Or rather she spoke to me. And then I broke her and made her cry."
Chris went over to one of the picnic tables, and instead of sitting on the bench, he climbed up to sit on the table with his feet on the seat. No one else was stopped there, so he was on his own and besides the odd passing car on the road, it was quite peaceful. "I'll probably be home tonight. Early morning at the latest," he told her and sat his drink down beside him. "I wouldn't take that personally, babe. I think Rick broke her. She cried with him, too..." Now that he didn't have the music or driving to distract him, the heavy weight of the decision was back. "Can't say I can judge."
"You're crying?" Serena asked him softly as she pulled back the covers and slipped between them, lying on her side so she could hold the phone against her ear. "Or did you make Bella cry as well? I just feel awful..." Of course Serena also knew a lot of why Bella had been crying, but she couldn't tell Chris. She was silently cursing herself for agreeing to not saying a word, and Bella for telling her in the first place about the pregnancy. "I know it's not easy on any of us."
"Was..." Chris replied. He didn't know how long that would stay past tense. "Yeah, not easy on any of us. Except, most of you get to keep your perfect healthy kidneys in your body, where they belong, functioning healthily and doing... kidney things." He picked up his drink and took a sip. "I dunno what to do, babe. I have no idea."
Serena sucked in a breath, wishing that she could have at least given Chris a hug before he vanished. "I'm sorry, baby. I really am. I would never wish this choice on you. And I have to be honest because I'm pretty sure it's important... But a part of me doesn't want you to do it. I don't want you to die." Her voice cracked and she had to bite her lip down hard to try and stop a sob escaping. Ever since the talk with Bella, it was all she could think about. "But I know it's your choice. I know you'd save your brother if you could. And I'll be here for you no matter what decision you make."
Chris put the drink down so he could cover his eyes as he listened to her talk. "It's okay. Doesn't make you a bad person. I don't know if I want to do it. I'm scared, and I know that's hypocritical coming from a surgeon, but this isn't just surgery, it's transplantation and there is nothing certain about that. But if I don't, he might die, and the way she explained it as spreading, even the dialysis might not keep him alive for very long. He could get an infection and just..." The words caught in his throat again and he couldn't continued.
"Chris," Serena said quietly, any other words failing as she tried to hold it together. "This isn't really going to be something that has any good outcomes until it's done and we just wait and see. This sucks. It seriously fucking sucks and I wish cancer was a person who's balls I could break. I won't promise that Rick will be okay. I can't even promise that you will be. I don't know what you should do either, and it sucks. I wish I could help better."
"... I just feel like I want to throw up, or hit something. I was banking on that chemo working so he would be okay and this wasn't even an issue, but as soon as she told me there was something wrong and she wanted more tests, I just knew. I knew, and I have no fucking idea how to deal with that. I'm terrified something is going to go wrong. I'm terrified he's going to die, but I'm also absolutely freaking out that something might happen and I might not be able to keep working, or keep doing any of the things I love. But he's my brother, and he could die. He could... die," Chris said when he started to cry again. "But I don't know if I want to give him my kidney," he admitted through a sob.
"It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. It might seem like it, but it doesn't," Serena said as she shifted to hug the pillow in place of being able to hug Chris. Hearing him cry and knowing he was several hours away just hurt. "And it's okay to be scared. This isn't some average, every day thing. Having said that, lots of people go through transplants and they're okay. It's not always bad... I just wish I knew what to tell you, baby. I really do, but I'm as clueless as you when it comes to thinking outside of the medical stuff. Is there anything that you can hit without too much damage to your hand? Maybe you should find a junkyard and blow something up."
Chris wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, yet again finding himself trying to reign in his out of control emotions. "It's okay. It's just nice to hear your voice. Can't expect anyone else to have the answers when I have no clue myself," he replied tearfully and glanced around with a slight laugh. "Yeah, kinda in the middle of nowhere right now. Hitting a tree isn't going to make me feel any better. Fucking hell, what was I thinking coming up here?"
Serena sniffed as quietly as she could, pressing her face into the pillow that still smelt like Chris' cologne. "I don't know, what were you thinking? You must be up there for a reason... Something you thought the place could give you. At least you for the solitude part happening."
"I just wanted to go to the place where we used to go fishing. I dunno... I guess it's where I felt closest to him. I thought it would give me the answers. But I've not even hit Lake Wimico yet, and it already just feels strange. I haven't been back in years. I had no intentions of even stopping to see mom either, and now I feel guilty. I don't think she knows about Rick. I shouldn't have come, I really don't know what I was thinking," Chris mumbled and got up off the table to start pacing restlessly. For a little while in the car there, he had managed to push everything out of his mind and live in the moment with the music. Now it was just all back and he hated it.
"Why don't you see your mom? I know it wasn't part of the plan, but it might help just a little. Not that I even know how things are between you. She should know about Rick... Even if he hasn't told her for a reason. No more secrets. Maybe you had to see it to know how you feel about it? If Rick ever does get through this - if you both do, there's a chance to find new places for new memories. Better memories. Maybe this is about letting go of the past, or something. I don't know."
Chris shook his head. "I don't have the energy or the strength to tell her this. Why should I do his dirty work? Isn't fucking stealing my kidney enough right now?!" He really didn't mean to snap, and his mood was changing before he could even stop it, making him realise that maybe part of the reason he was balking about the transplant was because he was still so angry at Rick for not being there for him. It caused him to stop pacing and his shoulders slumped, so he rested his hand on his hip and just stood there for a few long moments staring at the ground. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to snap."
"It's okay... I'm sorry for mentioning it," Serena told him quietly. They fell into a silence again and Serena tried to put herself in Chris' shoes, but she just failed. She knew that if it was her and Drew in Chris and Rick's places things would be different. She plucked at the pillow case with her fingers and let her eyes fall closed for a moment. "Maybe you just really need to have it out with Rick. Just tell him everything... Tell him how you're feeling, why you're having doubts... Why you're angry."
"I'm not angry. Not really. I was angry in the past and it's still there, I guess, but it's... fear. I know he's my brother and he's been my brother my whole life, but it never really felt like it. He's never done anything for me. It's always me doing stuff for him. Hell, I have memories of feeling sick when I was a kid and he was pissing off out with his mates to get drunk when he was, like, sixteen. I never had anyone to go to who would bail me out if I fucked up, no one I could call up and just ask for help. Not until college anyway when I finally got away from Wimico. I've done everything for him. I've nearly been broke for him. I helped him when he got so drunk off his face and covered for him so mom wouldn't find out. Maybe I've just reached my quota," Chris said quietly.
"And no one would blame you for that one bit. So it's okay to have reached your quota. It's okay to not be able to step up and give him your kidney. It doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad brother." Serena ran her tongue over her lips and moved onto her back to stare up at the ceiling as she kept one arm around the Chris-pillow. "Maybe this is just the one thing you can't do without having seen him do something for you. And that's okay. It is. You're allowed to say no."
"Yes, it does," Chris said as he choked back another sob. "It does make me a bad brother. Everyone else would do it without having to think about it. It wouldn't be a question. Maybe I'm holding my kidney hostage to punish him? That makes me a bad person. Maybe I'm worried if he gets better, he'll fuck off again and I'll never see him!"
"Then tell him that," Serena urged Chris gently. "And to be fair, not everyone that would just do it automatically has had the same relationship with their brother as you have. I'd do it for Drew, but I'd still be pissing my panties. It's effectively a leap of medical faith no matter how much you love your brother."
Chris had that lost and confused feeling setting in again. He looked at his watch when he realised it was getting dark now and he scratched his head. "I'll think about it some more. I should keep on if I'm going to get there before it gets dark. Hopefully I remember my way around the place. I'll probably just stick around for the night and then head back tomorrow. Are you working tomorrow?"
"Day off," Serena breathed out with a relieved sigh. She'd still be here when Chris returned. "Just drive safe, okay? And if you feel an urge to still hit a tree then make sure you wrap something around your hand so you don't wind up being hurt too much. Take as much time as you need. I'll be here."
Chris nodded. "Okay," he mumured with a small sigh of his own. He picked up his drink and headed back to the car, leaning in to put it back in the drink holder. He still had to go to the bathroom before he hit the road again. "I'll see you soon, babe. I love you. Get some rest, alright?"
Serena smiled softly as she rolled back over to hug the Chris-pillow tightly. "I love you too, baby. See you soon."