Putting holes in happiness [CHAPTER 12]
Title: Putting holes in happiness
Chapter: 12/?
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst, friendship, smut.
Warnings: Angst.
Ratings: PG-13 to NC-17
Pairings: AoixKazuki. AoixUruha. Aoix?. Uruhax?. KazukixByou. KaixOC. Rukix?...Etc.
Disclaimer: I only own my imagination ♪
Synopsis: Some people have this tendency to destroy the best they have...When love is caught up in the sick web of lies and self destruction, what is left is not necessarily repaired.
“You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.”
The Perks of being a wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
He had an arm around his waist. Smiling. Shining eyes and every words said to him were printed with love.
In the past, this scenery would have made him melt from the inside, pleased by such a strong demonstration of love and happiness in a couple. He'd dream of himself in the same position, praying that the next time he'd go outside, his prince would appear out of nowhere and love him to the same powerful extent.
Yet all he had was emptiness. All he embraced at night had a name: Nothing. Nothing wasn't a bad lover, because at least, he could watch whatever he wanted on TV, he could smoke and drink without anyone to tell him not to, he could go to parties and get drunk like a fish, he could flirt around, he could talk to strangers on online chats to the point of enjoying the sight of a dick at 4am in the morning...
Yes, Nothing was a nice lover.
And the worst.
Nothing couldn't hold him, couldn't satisfy his sexual appetite, couldn't tell him "I love you", couldn't eat nice dinners with him, couldn't be jealous of this colleague or friend, couldn't yell at him then hug him tight...
Nothing wasn't a human being. Wasn't flesh and bones and blood and skin and life.
Nothing wasn't Yuu and he couldn't be because he didn't want to turn into Kazuki's Nothing.
And Kouyou, sat between Takanori and Yutaka, watched the cute couple with envy as they were all celebrating Kazuki's success. He would be leaving the day after in the afternoon and they were having a farewell little party in a bar near Yuu's and Kazuki's place.
- I count on you to take care of Yuu when I'm not here.
Kouyou realised that suddenly the attention was drawn to him and looked embarassed. Kazuki had just talked to him and the blond made his best to avoid Yuu's piercing gaze.
- Oh, I will.
- You've been so good to him, giving him a chance to meet his idols...
Kouyou blushed, extremely disturbed by Kazuki's kindness when all he had in mind was to get a taste of his boyfriend.
- Don't mention it please.
Yuu giggled:
- Stop the praising, Kouyou is about to pass out.
If there was one person who understood how Kouyou felt bad, it was Yutaka, the quiet and good friend who didn't talk much but saw everything. And of course, being close to both Yuu and Kouyou was an advantage. He had noticed pretty quickly how things were smooth and natural between them and had smelled something fishy in the air even before they could confess.
And he wondered...What would happen with Kazuki in New York? Would Yuu cross this last boundary, that thin friendship line to make of Kouyou his sex friend, or more?
When three months will be over, how Yuu would welcome Kazuki back?
Those questions were haunting three different minds. And Yuu didn't really know what would happen because for now, he wasn't thinking about it. The day after he would be alone and the thought of not finding Kazuki home for a long time wasn't in his usual routine. The longest without him had been one week. Not three months. And not so far away.
He knew that after Kazuki's departure, he had to talk to Kouyou and arrange things between them. Obviously, with every cold stare, Kouyou was saying that he was still mad at him for what happened the day of the showcase.
Kouyou smiled with difficulty, not happy with Yuu's comment and Kazuki kept staring at the blond which embarassed Kouyou even more.
- You need to get a good night sleep honey.
Kazuki rolled his eyes:
- As if you'd let me sleep tonight.
They all laughed and so Kouyou made his best not to sound too fake, too. Takanori jumped on the occasion to be silly:
- Thanks God I'm not a neighbour!
Yuu shrugged his shoulders with a grin:
- He's pretty used to it now.
- Besides, he won't have any for three months so we can at least enjoy ourselves tonight.
Kazuki's words made Takanori laugh. Strangely, Yuu looked at Kouyou, Yutaka looked at Yuu and Kouyou's eyes shifted from Kazuki to Yuu to Takanori. Kazuki didn't notice anything, his eyes for the make up artist who was asking for a high five he gave him.
- Well said.
Yuu said then finished his beer and kissed Kazuki's cheek before whispering something. The younger laughed and nodded.
- Guys, sorry but we'll be first to leave!
They excused themselves, politely, still giggling at the few sexual jokes that Takanori was saying. Yuu proposed everyone to come along at the airport the day after and they all agreed, even Kouyou who couldn't really refuse without suspicions.
As they left, Yutaka pushed a full beer toward Kouyou, holding his hand under the table and offering him compassion.
- Kouyou's not very talkative.
Yuu smiled, still holding his lover by the waist as they were walking to their way home in the fresh may night.
- Not really at first but once he's out of his shell you can't stop him.
- Do you find him attractive?
Yuu stopped walking, locking his eyes with Kazuki's:
- What? Why are you asking?
Kazuki pouted then declared:
- You praise him a lot, you always talk about him...
Yuu giggled, making his best to hide how nervous he was:
- So what? I also praise Yutaka but does it mean I want to fuck him?
Kazuki crossed his arms:
- He's your bestfriend!
Yuu shook his head:
- Kouyou is my friend. What now?
The younger started walking again and Yuu followed, his hands sweaty.
- I think he's your type. If I hadn't been so direct back then, I think you would have never noticed me. But you'd have chased a guy like Kouyou. I'm pretty sure of that one.
Yuu somehow smiled in the dark, almost proud that his boyfriend of four years could tell about his tastes in men.
- But hey who sleeps in my bed? Who has been spending the last four years by my side? You. Not Kouyou, not anyone else but you. So just stop the what ifs already and let us enjoy our last night together before you go bite the Big Apple.
Kazuki offered the cutest grin, something that assured Yuu he was reassured and was trusting him about the blond.
But if only he knew...
The day after. Haneda airport. 4pm.
Kouyou was standing few steps away from the couple. They were talking and he could see Kazuki's wet cheeks from where he was. They kissed and tried not to bother anyone around, because Japan was still a close-minded country about homosexual relationships.
Yuu talked again and Kazuki smiled through the tears.
And Kouyou wondered what kind of sweet lie Yuu had been saying.
The dark haired turned around for them to come closer. Takanori, Yutaka and Kouyou obeyed and Kazuki hugged them all, exchanging words with them until he quickly embraced Kouyou awkwardly:
- Take him out because I'm sure that he's going to stay indoors and depressed.
Kouyou nodded with a smile.
- He really enjoys your friendship. So please take good care of him while I'm not here?
- Don't worry, I will.
Kazuki turned around and locked his eyes with Yuu and in this moment, nothing seemed to matter around them anymore. And Kouyou felt like he didn't belong here and should just go but his eyes were glued to the scene. Yuu had so much love in his eyes despite the troubles encountered and he thought to himself that he was a parasit, vermin, plague. Kouyou was now seeing himself as a disaster, someone trying to destroy this love and replace it with his. A jealous little boy. But what to say of Kazuki? Kazuki was like those rich kids who had the best toys yet would lust after the poor kid's one. In the end, he wanted them all.
And Kouyou hated him for being so capricious and immature. Because Kouyou had wanted Yuu since the very first time he laid eyes upon him. And with him far away, Kouyou didn't know if he would refrain himself for too long.
Because chances had to be taken.
And when later, Yuu was walking alone and catching them up after his farewell to Kazuki, they all saw him crying for the first time.
But Kouyou wondered if this was really a chance, or just the illusion of a chance.
- What...What are you doing here?
After having Yutaka forcing him out to talk to Yuu, Kouyou had surrendered and was knocking on Yuu's door. The dark haired had spent the last two days indoors, depressed and lonely and in the end the blond had lost against his guilt feelings.
He was offered to come before he could reply and as he removed his shoes in the entrance, Yuu didn't bother to wait for him and walked to his living room. Kouyou followed and found him at his drawing table, surrounded by paper balls everywhere.
- You look...Stuck.
Yuu snickered, drawing on a huge white paper:
- I'm not just stuck I'm deeply burried there. Under tons and tons of failure.
- For how long now?
Yuu sighed:
- Since Kazuki left.
Kouyou nodded, still standing not far from Yuu.
- When is it due?
The dark haired pouted:
- Friday.
Kouyou thought to himself...They were wednesday. Yuu had barely a day and half to have his design ready for his meeting. Yuu threw his pencil against tne nearest wall out of anger and declared:
- I fucking give up! This damn kid took my inspiration away with him in fucking New York!
Kouyou at this point was near slamming the door shut. Why would he bother? Yuu's head was miles away and nowhere near around him in Tokyo. This was all an illusion, that he could matter.
- What if...
But his boyfriend was away and Kouyou had a chance to show he was worth it. Then maybe, three months after, Yuu would pick him up finally? When Yuu was struggling, Kouyou had to be here, holding out a helpful hand whenever Yuu needed it.
- What if you take a day off to clear your mind off things? It can help you finally find back your muse. What do you say?
Yuu was holding his temples, half interested:
- What's your plan?
Kouyou smiled:
- We drive to the beach, take everything we need...Sleep there then come back when you want, fully refreshed.
The dark haired seemed to be considering the idea, then chewed on his lower lip nervously, checking out a small notebook next to his papers. Yuu then looked up at the blond, a wide smile showing:
- Let's do this!
They took everything they needed, food, drinks, warm clothes in case the night would be cold, a tent Kouyou possessed thanks to music festivals and decided to pick Yuu's car. Comfortably installed, they had both cared to tell Yutaka where they were going so he wouldn't worry if they had no signals on their cellphones and drove away ready to enjoy themselves.
Stairway to Heaven was played on the radio station they were listening to and Kouyou was mimicking the guitar lines with his eyes closed on the passenger seat, making Yuu grin while glancing at him then back at the road:
- You could have been in a rock band.
Kouyou was stopped in his little fantasy and smiled:
- I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. I'd constantly try to reach perfection because I know too well how in my job we point out flaws so easily and almost close our eyes over the best.
Yuu nodded:
- But if you were a rock star, you wouldn't know about how journalists can be cruel unless you'd read them all the time. Besides, you'd pay attention to what fans think more. It's the fans who make the band, not only journalists.
Kouyou agreed:
- Why did you became a designer Yuu?
The dark haired grimaced:
- I was good at drawing, I couldn't become a mangaka or anything related so I went for the wise and reasonable way. I think that's why, until I met Kazuki, I was lacking maturity in personal matters. I couldn't be crazy and childish at work so I became a player in my private life. And you? Why a journalist?
Kouyou shrugged his shoulders:
- I was good at writing. I was in a band in high school but we had different dreams so we separated ways. I went to college and realised that my dreams were foolish and I didn't want to go for them and fail so, I became what I am.
Yuu quickly looked at Kouyou:
- Don't you regret it? Not taking this chance?
Kouyou was lost in thought, Yuu's words resonating within himself then said:
- Sometimes. Especially when the artists I interview achieve something big and I'm in this ocean of fans staring at those stars on stage...I often think "I could be one of them." I get depressed so I brush it off because it does no good.
Yuu found Kouyou's words really sad and didn't feel like bothering Kouyou with the regrets they were both holding in. They had experienced a similar fall down, feeding hopes about their future life as grown-ups only to find out later that it had been only dreams and nothing tangible. Yuu didn't know exactly why but he knew that he didn't go for it, fully. He had seen himself working in the manga/anime industry...He had dreamt of being close to Miyazaki.
And today he was a designer. A good one of course, but a designer.
A mature and adulthood-like job.
That's why Kouyou is refreshing? The fact we both left a dream behind, the fact whenever I'm around him I feel like it's a rebirth? Because Kazuki is younger, I know there is a difference in how we see things...But Kouyou who's almost my age...We are alike...
- And she's buying the stairway to heaven.
Kouyou's voice brought him back from his wandering of the mind.
And he knows Led Zeppelin.
After few hours, the car stopped and Kouyou smiled that cute smile of his Yuu adored. It was near sunset time and they quickly got off the car, bringing their tent and other stuff to the beach. Kouyou didn't bother chosing a spot and let everything fall on the sand before running to the water.
Yuu, hands full, watched him remove his shoes and wet his feet, leaving footprints everywhere around himself.
- Come on!
Yuu obeyed though, thrilled by Kouyou's lively voice. When he reached the blond, this one splashed water on him and Yuu yelled because it was cold.
- How dare you!
Kouyou laughed:
- You don't know since when I haven't been to the sea...
Yuu looked tenderly at him and waited for him to speak again.
- I was 18? We were done with high school and we came to the beach with my friends to celebrate the end of our best years. We made a fire and all, I had brought my guitar and we played, we laughed, we shared so many precious moments...I miss it.
Yuu came closer, taking Kouyou's hand in his as he talked a little more:
- I wish I could go back to this. Start again. I keep watching people achieving goals and dreams and I'm watching. I'm part of the crowd. That's all.
Yuu stroked Kouyou's cheek with the back of his hand:
- But you get to approach the stars Kou.
The blond smiled:
- I do. Maybe that's why it can be depressing. I approach them, touch them but I can't be a part of them.
Yuu pulled Kouyou against his chest.
- It's never too late Kouyou.
The blond raised up his head:
- Even for us?
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HAHAHAHAHA. Evil Cursed. Anyway, sorry for the looooong wait but I've been so tired from work and busy and...Although I'll still be busy with work I'll do my best to update more regularly :) I hope you liked this chapter ♥