Serenity?...?....?....
Well I haven't been keeping updated at all. Zack and I are both moved out now, getting jobs at the college and starting school in the fall. We are fighting more than ever and Im more insecure than ever. I miss home but I dont. Im home now for fathers day weekend and ive been home for five hours and have already b/p twice. Not bad but not good. I b/p once at work yesterday and once monday. Zack has no idea. I eat fine when we're together except I restrict more than I should. But thats better than b/p, atleast it hurts less but sets me up for a bad episode of losing control and stuffing and puking. Im so tired of fucking bulimia. I almost gave up. All day friday I thought about killing myself. I thought of how i would do it, make it look like an accidental car accident. Or I could make the cuts on my left wrists deeper. Overdosing could also work, or drowning in the bath tub, that could seem accidental. Im tired of eating until I cant eat anymore. I get so sick feeling yet so relieved.
I'll eat healthy today. One meal, a sandwich and an apple. Thats all I need. But Im so hungry and those brownies look so good, and those chocolate chip cookies, so freshly baked. No, I cant. I have to lose more weight. My stomach can't get any bigger. I retreat to the bathroom to remove my clothes and stare at myself in the full length mirror. Too much pudge here, too fat there. Ughh disguisting. No eating at all. But my stomach is growling, the hunger is too intense. What do I do? Remember your DBT skills...um distract? call a friend? go for a walk? Screw it Im already a fat pig. I half float, half stumble into the kitchen where I find myself devouring a batch of brownies and swallowing two tall glasses skim milk followed by a bottle of water. Next, the cookies in the cookie jar don't look to bad. Neither does the new sugary cereal in the cabinet. But I have to finish the cookies first. I eat like a savage, tearing the cookies apart, shoving them into my mouth like a hungry animal. I take down a box of corn pops and pour some into the biggest bowl I can find and drown the cereal in milk. I eat the cereal mechanically while considering what I can eat next. Leftover casserole from my parents dinner last night, peanut butter, m&ms, cheese crackers, goldfish crackers, doritos, peanut butter hershey kisses, ice cream with magic shell on top (magic shell poured into carton of icecream because duh, im going to eat the whole gallon)....more and more milk and water....ugh sick feeling, so sick so full so disguisting and anxious. During the whole time im anxious and high strung. I dont want to purge but I have to. I find my way to the bathroom or basement or I get in my car and drive to the gas station that nobody goes to...and I lock the door, pull my hair back, take off my shirt and stick two fingers plus most of my hand down my throat. Stuffing my hands down my throat i gag for a minute and keep swishing my hand back and forth trying to find the perfect place in my throat to hit my refelx just right...and splash out comes food...food thats been dissolved in watery milk. Food that tastes the same coming up bc i never really tasted it going down. I was numbed out, a monster eating its food. There was no point to my binge, sometimes there is...im angry, lonely, scared, excited, upset...who knows. But sometimes I just do it to do it.. sometimes its because i enjoy hurting myself..sometimes i dont know im doing it until im halfway through the cereal box....i gag and vomit for twenty minutes or so until im sure most of its come up...i can tell this by the mirror, if my stomach is flat as it was before my binge i can stop...but until then i have to keep torturing myself. i get sweaty and light headed, my throat is on fire and my teeth hurt. my eyes are watery and my nose is runny. my knees hurt bc they are sore from bending over so much and my bones are in need of calcium. my whole body is in desperate need of adequate nutrition but my fear of fat keeps me from caring for myself. after i finish purging i clean the toilet , flush, wash my hands and face and put my shirt back on. i untie my hair and brush it out with my hands to make it look presentable. i study myself in the mirror, seeing a blurry vision of myself. but whats the difference? i must always see a blurry vision of myself bc zack says im beautiful and perfect. how can this be? i dont know but i need to start believing him. because looking in the mirror is torture i dont want this torture. i dont want to smell vomit on myself anymore i dont want to feel sick i dont want to look in the mirror after binging and purging and...pass out...im tired of this shit...
I'll eat healthy today. One meal, a sandwich and an apple. Thats all I need. But Im so hungry and those brownies look so good, and those chocolate chip cookies, so freshly baked. No, I cant. I have to lose more weight. My stomach can't get any bigger. I retreat to the bathroom to remove my clothes and stare at myself in the full length mirror. Too much pudge here, too fat there. Ughh disguisting. No eating at all. But my stomach is growling, the hunger is too intense. What do I do? Remember your DBT skills...um distract? call a friend? go for a walk? Screw it Im already a fat pig. I half float, half stumble into the kitchen where I find myself devouring a batch of brownies and swallowing two tall glasses skim milk followed by a bottle of water. Next, the cookies in the cookie jar don't look to bad. Neither does the new sugary cereal in the cabinet. But I have to finish the cookies first. I eat like a savage, tearing the cookies apart, shoving them into my mouth like a hungry animal. I take down a box of corn pops and pour some into the biggest bowl I can find and drown the cereal in milk. I eat the cereal mechanically while considering what I can eat next. Leftover casserole from my parents dinner last night, peanut butter, m&ms, cheese crackers, goldfish crackers, doritos, peanut butter hershey kisses, ice cream with magic shell on top (magic shell poured into carton of icecream because duh, im going to eat the whole gallon)....more and more milk and water....ugh sick feeling, so sick so full so disguisting and anxious. During the whole time im anxious and high strung. I dont want to purge but I have to. I find my way to the bathroom or basement or I get in my car and drive to the gas station that nobody goes to...and I lock the door, pull my hair back, take off my shirt and stick two fingers plus most of my hand down my throat. Stuffing my hands down my throat i gag for a minute and keep swishing my hand back and forth trying to find the perfect place in my throat to hit my refelx just right...and splash out comes food...food thats been dissolved in watery milk. Food that tastes the same coming up bc i never really tasted it going down. I was numbed out, a monster eating its food. There was no point to my binge, sometimes there is...im angry, lonely, scared, excited, upset...who knows. But sometimes I just do it to do it.. sometimes its because i enjoy hurting myself..sometimes i dont know im doing it until im halfway through the cereal box....i gag and vomit for twenty minutes or so until im sure most of its come up...i can tell this by the mirror, if my stomach is flat as it was before my binge i can stop...but until then i have to keep torturing myself. i get sweaty and light headed, my throat is on fire and my teeth hurt. my eyes are watery and my nose is runny. my knees hurt bc they are sore from bending over so much and my bones are in need of calcium. my whole body is in desperate need of adequate nutrition but my fear of fat keeps me from caring for myself. after i finish purging i clean the toilet , flush, wash my hands and face and put my shirt back on. i untie my hair and brush it out with my hands to make it look presentable. i study myself in the mirror, seeing a blurry vision of myself. but whats the difference? i must always see a blurry vision of myself bc zack says im beautiful and perfect. how can this be? i dont know but i need to start believing him. because looking in the mirror is torture i dont want this torture. i dont want to smell vomit on myself anymore i dont want to feel sick i dont want to look in the mirror after binging and purging and...pass out...im tired of this shit...