(no subject)
i love it when my cats purr. it's such a sweet, comforting sound. Comfort is a luxury I believe we take for granted... Friends we can be ourselves around, a pair of jeans that fits perfectly, favorite tennis shoes, my mom's warm homemade soup... these sort of things that are all together personal, but simple.
I've wanted to attribute my anxiousness to a lack of "comfort", but I'd have to explain that comfort also comes from knowing the answers. and that is something that I do not have- answers. When i knew some of the answers, i guess i took it for granted that they would be there again when i needed them. i stay frustrated because i just don't know what i want to do... i mean, other than standing in a lush field of emerald green grass in Scotland... i really can't focus on something tangible. *shrug* committing to a major shouldn't be this hard... figuring out if i even really want a relationship (which i'm pretty sure i don't? maybe?)
i can't imagine how silly i must sound. someone as old as i am, sitting around lamenting on trifle situations that really, should not merit any mention. life seems so much easier when your biggest problem is some stupid boy. isn't that what girls do best? fuss over some male, that really, shouldn't be worth have the trouble that we allow them to be?
i'd noticed often times this semester i found myself asking God why is it some people get exactly what they want? not that I feel them to be "undeserving.." or anything like that. But perhaps my question should have been "how much longer for me?" I wait, still, for the answer. I once said that God answers prayer, but it isn't always what we think it should be or how it should look like... those words just echo in the back of my mind, which is beginning to feel like my heart= a long, empty hallway of doors that lead to more empty spaces. i've hallowed myself out for so long that it takes more mass to fill up the same sized area. i guess its like Faith--- when you're little the glass is so much smaller that it's easy to keep it full always. as you grow older, the glass changes and it requires more to get the same results. maybe the remedial part of me is stuck on sippie-cup Faith. maybe if i"m a big girl i"ll graduate into juice box size before the year is over?.... *sarcasm*
anyway- i think my answer kinda came to me yesterday. i had a conversation in passing which led me to believe that appearances are deceiving. even those who look happiest, can often be kidding themselves. i'm sure that's nothing new to anyone else, we've all had those sort of epiphanies before... though, it was amazing not feeling like i'm alone in left field, waiting for a ball to come my way.
i began this post with a point, but I cannot recall it at the moment. so, yay for endless blabbing... i have homework i need to do and a date with a tall, cool bottle of adult refreshment later. i miss having leanne around to sip on wine, discuss literature and the multiple meanings of the world around us. going to i-hop at 4am to finish Bebe's creative writing assignments made for interesting fodder.
speaking of- i made my schedule for next semester and i must say i'm in love...
Sp 103
Forms of Creative Writing- En 308
Poetry Tour- En 302
Special Topics in Lit
Pro-Seminar Symphonic Music
Symphonic Band
Pep band
:)
i'm looking forward to writing a lot :)
I've wanted to attribute my anxiousness to a lack of "comfort", but I'd have to explain that comfort also comes from knowing the answers. and that is something that I do not have- answers. When i knew some of the answers, i guess i took it for granted that they would be there again when i needed them. i stay frustrated because i just don't know what i want to do... i mean, other than standing in a lush field of emerald green grass in Scotland... i really can't focus on something tangible. *shrug* committing to a major shouldn't be this hard... figuring out if i even really want a relationship (which i'm pretty sure i don't? maybe?)
i can't imagine how silly i must sound. someone as old as i am, sitting around lamenting on trifle situations that really, should not merit any mention. life seems so much easier when your biggest problem is some stupid boy. isn't that what girls do best? fuss over some male, that really, shouldn't be worth have the trouble that we allow them to be?
i'd noticed often times this semester i found myself asking God why is it some people get exactly what they want? not that I feel them to be "undeserving.." or anything like that. But perhaps my question should have been "how much longer for me?" I wait, still, for the answer. I once said that God answers prayer, but it isn't always what we think it should be or how it should look like... those words just echo in the back of my mind, which is beginning to feel like my heart= a long, empty hallway of doors that lead to more empty spaces. i've hallowed myself out for so long that it takes more mass to fill up the same sized area. i guess its like Faith--- when you're little the glass is so much smaller that it's easy to keep it full always. as you grow older, the glass changes and it requires more to get the same results. maybe the remedial part of me is stuck on sippie-cup Faith. maybe if i"m a big girl i"ll graduate into juice box size before the year is over?.... *sarcasm*
anyway- i think my answer kinda came to me yesterday. i had a conversation in passing which led me to believe that appearances are deceiving. even those who look happiest, can often be kidding themselves. i'm sure that's nothing new to anyone else, we've all had those sort of epiphanies before... though, it was amazing not feeling like i'm alone in left field, waiting for a ball to come my way.
i began this post with a point, but I cannot recall it at the moment. so, yay for endless blabbing... i have homework i need to do and a date with a tall, cool bottle of adult refreshment later. i miss having leanne around to sip on wine, discuss literature and the multiple meanings of the world around us. going to i-hop at 4am to finish Bebe's creative writing assignments made for interesting fodder.
speaking of- i made my schedule for next semester and i must say i'm in love...
Sp 103
Forms of Creative Writing- En 308
Poetry Tour- En 302
Special Topics in Lit
Pro-Seminar Symphonic Music
Symphonic Band
Pep band
:)
i'm looking forward to writing a lot :)