contemplation meets aggravation
I woke up this morning completely unhappy about everything... the way i looked (granted my morning hair isn't exactly stylish), the way breakfast tasted, the feel of clean towels, and even the tingly warmth of a hot shower. Nothing fit right and I felt disgusted. What a bright and cheery outlook to have huh?
I really didn't want to go to Theory or conducting... so I didn't. Upon making that decision, instantly, I was a bit happier. Long story short, I don't want to be a music major anymore. I love music. I really do. I love how I feel when I hear something that I cannot put into words. I love how I feel when I'm performing (and playing well...). I really love how I know the random facts on how pieces came to be. I even get a kick out of knowing about chant... yeah, I know, I'm weird.
But it's come to my attention that the things I do not like about music involve other people. I hate how damn political things are. I hate how the fun factor of an ensemble is measured by the attitude of our conductors/directors. I hate how playing can become a chore. Don't get me wrong... I know practice isn't always fun. There are days I could go drum or play my horn for hours and it will sound like garbage, but we need those days to get better. I hate that with some people there is only one way... whatever happened to artistic interpretation? And I really hate it how there seems to be one person in control of everything... its like they have a monopoly on things and no one else has a voice. I realize I'm being very abstract because citing specifics could get me into trouble. I suppose I should throw in that free speech has also become censored and I hate that as well.
so, in light of my pissy attitude morning, I think I figured out what's been wrong with me. I mean, most of my friends forget that i'm a music major anyway. I mean, administration isn't really "real" music major stuff. it's business. and it's truthfully, kinda lame here. the degree needs a revamp that isn't going to happen.
i discovered something earlier this evening that aggravated my swirling thoughts.... why is it that people deem it necessary to dive into other people's business? it happens, I KNOW it does. I've lost friends over the same stupid shit, but I've yet to come to grips over why it happens. it's the band for you, I suppose. much like high school, the people you see day in and day out find out your business. i'm guilty of knowing what goes on with my friends... and yet, i don't know why I do it. it's a nasty habit. I have horrible little nicknames for people... not all people, just a few. There's a Virus and the Oracle. And then the Closet-Case and the Know-it-All. And while these people arne't overly terrible people,... they just have happened to grate on my nerves this week. And I feel terrible to see them day in and day out and harbor these aggressions. I suppose we all do it. It's the negative result of not having a break from each other. And moreover, I suppose it's because they, in some way, have a platform to discuss whatever they want to when its done in the public eye. The problem with public eye, though, is that it doesn't always catch the whole picture. A blink, and vital information is lost and gaps have to be filled in with assumption. And that's where i get pissed off and exasperated with people.
and maybe... as a secondary thought, i'm only pissed off because they, in their assuming, judgemental eyes.... are right.
so where does waking up hating what my eyes see have to do with what my ears hear? I suppose they are just elements indicating that I need a change of scenery. so, after this semester, I think I want to only do english classes and minor in photography. I feel like I view the world from a lense anyway... why not actually capture some concrete images while i'm at it?
my dad is going to shit when i tell him this .... good thing we're still not on speaking terms.
I really didn't want to go to Theory or conducting... so I didn't. Upon making that decision, instantly, I was a bit happier. Long story short, I don't want to be a music major anymore. I love music. I really do. I love how I feel when I hear something that I cannot put into words. I love how I feel when I'm performing (and playing well...). I really love how I know the random facts on how pieces came to be. I even get a kick out of knowing about chant... yeah, I know, I'm weird.
But it's come to my attention that the things I do not like about music involve other people. I hate how damn political things are. I hate how the fun factor of an ensemble is measured by the attitude of our conductors/directors. I hate how playing can become a chore. Don't get me wrong... I know practice isn't always fun. There are days I could go drum or play my horn for hours and it will sound like garbage, but we need those days to get better. I hate that with some people there is only one way... whatever happened to artistic interpretation? And I really hate it how there seems to be one person in control of everything... its like they have a monopoly on things and no one else has a voice. I realize I'm being very abstract because citing specifics could get me into trouble. I suppose I should throw in that free speech has also become censored and I hate that as well.
so, in light of my pissy attitude morning, I think I figured out what's been wrong with me. I mean, most of my friends forget that i'm a music major anyway. I mean, administration isn't really "real" music major stuff. it's business. and it's truthfully, kinda lame here. the degree needs a revamp that isn't going to happen.
i discovered something earlier this evening that aggravated my swirling thoughts.... why is it that people deem it necessary to dive into other people's business? it happens, I KNOW it does. I've lost friends over the same stupid shit, but I've yet to come to grips over why it happens. it's the band for you, I suppose. much like high school, the people you see day in and day out find out your business. i'm guilty of knowing what goes on with my friends... and yet, i don't know why I do it. it's a nasty habit. I have horrible little nicknames for people... not all people, just a few. There's a Virus and the Oracle. And then the Closet-Case and the Know-it-All. And while these people arne't overly terrible people,... they just have happened to grate on my nerves this week. And I feel terrible to see them day in and day out and harbor these aggressions. I suppose we all do it. It's the negative result of not having a break from each other. And moreover, I suppose it's because they, in some way, have a platform to discuss whatever they want to when its done in the public eye. The problem with public eye, though, is that it doesn't always catch the whole picture. A blink, and vital information is lost and gaps have to be filled in with assumption. And that's where i get pissed off and exasperated with people.
and maybe... as a secondary thought, i'm only pissed off because they, in their assuming, judgemental eyes.... are right.
so where does waking up hating what my eyes see have to do with what my ears hear? I suppose they are just elements indicating that I need a change of scenery. so, after this semester, I think I want to only do english classes and minor in photography. I feel like I view the world from a lense anyway... why not actually capture some concrete images while i'm at it?
my dad is going to shit when i tell him this .... good thing we're still not on speaking terms.