I'm a Halfie, mate.
Working title explained at the end. First, I have to panic. I wish I had a Panic! icon. The limits of my icon making skills are crushing me (more) inside.
First of all, I am an inexcusable laze. And it's at times like these that I really hate that I am. I don't hate it all the time; actually, it's the fact that I am that makes me stress-free. I almost never get anxious over anything, unless (un-fucking-less) my doom is approaching. Not when doom is happening, not after doom has happened, but only before the stage when I have lost all hope. 'Cause then I can fucking move on. No, it's the time beforehand, when there is a smiddgen of hope that I might make it out of doom in one piece, that has me kicking myself in the head. And writing this at 1:57 am because apparently my body's not going to be nice enough to me to knock myself out and give me rest that I really adjfdsfsklajfdl need right now.
Glasses, passports, driving, is going to be my life's motto for this summer, goddammit. [and panic is making me starved, have to go downstairs to get grapes, oh well, 'rents can share my pain] [...grapes are making me hungrier. Or the nausea. God, please don't mean that I'm actually going to start up chucking] This is fucking fantastic. My old prescription is giving me a headache stabbing through my right eye (I shouldn't have read that manga) and I recently found out that pain makes me nauseous. The lack of sleep is probably going to be giving me a headache all of its own pretty soon, too. (fucking-)
One thing strange about me: I never really viewed driving as something monumentally exciting (besides the "crap, we're gonna die" exciting). I'm just a huge chicken. I can handle putting my life in other peoples' hands, but give it to me and I'm sure that I can't. (not necessarily true, I'm working myself up, but I don't caaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrre) But, anyway, I need to get my license and a car by the end of summer (or, if I'm at the end of my rope, just the license) and I don't even care about getting a job anymore, I just need to drive. Because I am so not ready to be on my own, let alone do the three hour drive up to college, right now. And I need it, but at the same time, if I do get it, I'm going to be doing monstrously big drive, alone, right off the bat. (incidently, I actually think I can pass my driver's test now) And that's what's scaring the shit out of me and what's keeping me up at night till the wee hours of the morning.
I've thought of something calming: if I get my license now, I'll probably be much more ready for the drive when I need to go back. That, and mom'll probably go with me for the first time.
Which, of course, is all evidence of one thing: I am a huge scaredy cat. (I'm one of those people who talks all tough, but is secretly paranoid.)
Ahhh, calming down now. Pain and nausea receding slightly. Dammit, reading the latest Naruto chapter didn't help anything, all it did was make me wail out in tears. (I'm also fucking sensitive.) I actually thought about this recently, how I differ in respects to my best friend on that account. Whereas, when she's angsting she likes to feed it by reading more of it, etc., I actually read something happy to cheer me up and make me forget about being unhappy. It's called avoidance disorder.
Hahahaha, but no, I think that might be why I always prefer happy endings. Well, also because even when I'm happy I can only barely handle a sad ending. (fucking sensitive)
Gah, yeah, I'm not driving this morning. I'm still too worked up in the middle of the night to go back to sleep, wake up at seven, and go into Pensacola just to waffle around the morning and get driving experience. I'll do some later in the day. This morning? I think I just need to recuperate. (I've decided Cat!Watanuki is going to be my calming drug. Lord knows, it's turning out sweet enough.)
The title? I'm half Australian, dual citizen. Since my mom (who is the Australian) is taking me to Australia next summer I've got to start renewing my passports now, both my American and Australian ones since being a dual citizen is kinda funny like that. I was so happy about that earlier this evening...
*sigh*