My deity is dead.
Fuck. I don't know where to go now that my hero is dead. I feel more horrified/furious/sorrowful/vengeful/heartbroken/anxious/worried/terrified/betrayed/guilty than I have in a very long time. He left us, just like that. Let us down, the people who loved and respected him. He is the reason I am who I am today. He has made a significant portion of our generation socially conscious and we have taken note of that. And now, in a matter of seconds, he took the easy way out. How ungonzo is that? And I can't stop the same thought from running circles in my mind:
If he couldn't take it, if he couldn't bear to take one more breath of this filthy corrupted air, if he couldn't turn his despise into a wrath that could change the very world it scolded, if he could not see in the past, present, or future any single reason to continue his life, if he could not find one microscopic speck of beauty worth seeing... if he could not find a way within himself to kill the monster that is Corruption, Cruelty, and Ignorance as one, if he gave up... how the fuck am I supposed to do all of those things? How can I be so arrogant as to believe that I will not give up. That I will be able to endure the suffering and disgust that he knew he couldn't? How am I supposed to live when he couldn't? I can't see the good in this. My deity is dead. This is the end of something beautiful. Everything is fucked.
If he couldn't take it, if he couldn't bear to take one more breath of this filthy corrupted air, if he couldn't turn his despise into a wrath that could change the very world it scolded, if he could not see in the past, present, or future any single reason to continue his life, if he could not find one microscopic speck of beauty worth seeing... if he could not find a way within himself to kill the monster that is Corruption, Cruelty, and Ignorance as one, if he gave up... how the fuck am I supposed to do all of those things? How can I be so arrogant as to believe that I will not give up. That I will be able to endure the suffering and disgust that he knew he couldn't? How am I supposed to live when he couldn't? I can't see the good in this. My deity is dead. This is the end of something beautiful. Everything is fucked.