I'm livin' my life all fucked up and alone.
oh how things can spiral out of control just by yoo simply living.
So i guess things are going good with Travis. I saw him a couple of nights ago, it was good. I do not see him nearly as much as i would like to though. Oh and two days ago was our one month together, far longer than I thought things would last.
Travis says he is going to take me to prom, but we will see what really happens.
Nothing is to really update, hence the two weeks absence. I have been living my life day to day, just barely each week being able to hold myself together. I have been suffering greatly from social shit. I do not even know what to call it. I put up this terrible wall between me and everyone else. And I am the only one who can live in my little world, no one is even aloud to know what goes on. And I have realized that I do this all because I am afraid of getting hurt, people are wicked, they hurt. So I spend almost all my time acting far tougher than I am, and then without fail someone will feel the need to say something horrible, which then I react by being hateful, not because what they said does not bug me, but because it hurt. But yoo see, I can not let them know that they hurt me, cause then they win. So I act rude and bitchy on the outside so no one knows that I am hurt, which only leads to people seeing me as this terrible person, which I really am not. I know me, and I really am a really caring person, and far too emotional. But everyone just sees this hard hearted bitch because it is a constant back and of pattern of people hurting me and me acting unfazed…so then people be mean to me simple because they think I am terrible. Argh. I am making no sense and just rambling, but no mater, I know what I am talking about. I just want to go away. I am tired of pretending to be strong and just going home and crying. *Secret* I even alter stories about things so that I seem like this terrible bitch, just so when I am asked people do not know that I was hurt, I do not know why I relate being hurt to being weak or pathetic, but I do. Like someone will treat me straight like shit, and some will ask me about it. And I make me the horrid person, and laugh about it and brush it off like it was all just nothing, even though I am hurt inside and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ohhkay. But instead people see me as this witch, that hurts people. And I know it all is a defense mechanism, I know that I feel that if someone knows that I am hurt, then they will see me as weak and when yoo are weak yoo are exposed just to get hurt more. I just wish people would stop when I ask them too…Just to leave me alone. Why must people live off pushing me, pushing me to the point that I can not return. I trust no one. I believe I have no friends, it is all an act. I laugh and joke around with people and hang out with them all. But a friend is someone who knows yoo. And nobody does. I go home and cry, and nobody knows. They all think that I am this heartless bitch, which I am not. I consider no one at that damn school my friend. I am alone in everything that I do. I do not fit in anywhere, not in the theatre, not any more at least.
I can not sing, so no choir.
I can not draw or make anything artistic, so i really can not pursue that.
I am not athletic at all. just pretty much can run...but i have done that.
I am not a stoner or am major drunk partier, so a whole group of friends that I used to always be with are pretty much gone.
I hate so many people at central as it is, that school is filled with far to many terrible people.
So it leaves me alone. No where else to turn. Just me.
I do not have a best friend, a friend that lives close, I do nothing outside school simply because my parents will not allow me anywhere.
If it were up to me I would starve away. Become exactly on the outside that I feel on the inside and eventually become simply nothing at all.
So i guess things are going good with Travis. I saw him a couple of nights ago, it was good. I do not see him nearly as much as i would like to though. Oh and two days ago was our one month together, far longer than I thought things would last.
Travis says he is going to take me to prom, but we will see what really happens.
Nothing is to really update, hence the two weeks absence. I have been living my life day to day, just barely each week being able to hold myself together. I have been suffering greatly from social shit. I do not even know what to call it. I put up this terrible wall between me and everyone else. And I am the only one who can live in my little world, no one is even aloud to know what goes on. And I have realized that I do this all because I am afraid of getting hurt, people are wicked, they hurt. So I spend almost all my time acting far tougher than I am, and then without fail someone will feel the need to say something horrible, which then I react by being hateful, not because what they said does not bug me, but because it hurt. But yoo see, I can not let them know that they hurt me, cause then they win. So I act rude and bitchy on the outside so no one knows that I am hurt, which only leads to people seeing me as this terrible person, which I really am not. I know me, and I really am a really caring person, and far too emotional. But everyone just sees this hard hearted bitch because it is a constant back and of pattern of people hurting me and me acting unfazed…so then people be mean to me simple because they think I am terrible. Argh. I am making no sense and just rambling, but no mater, I know what I am talking about. I just want to go away. I am tired of pretending to be strong and just going home and crying. *Secret* I even alter stories about things so that I seem like this terrible bitch, just so when I am asked people do not know that I was hurt, I do not know why I relate being hurt to being weak or pathetic, but I do. Like someone will treat me straight like shit, and some will ask me about it. And I make me the horrid person, and laugh about it and brush it off like it was all just nothing, even though I am hurt inside and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will all be ohhkay. But instead people see me as this witch, that hurts people. And I know it all is a defense mechanism, I know that I feel that if someone knows that I am hurt, then they will see me as weak and when yoo are weak yoo are exposed just to get hurt more. I just wish people would stop when I ask them too…Just to leave me alone. Why must people live off pushing me, pushing me to the point that I can not return. I trust no one. I believe I have no friends, it is all an act. I laugh and joke around with people and hang out with them all. But a friend is someone who knows yoo. And nobody does. I go home and cry, and nobody knows. They all think that I am this heartless bitch, which I am not. I consider no one at that damn school my friend. I am alone in everything that I do. I do not fit in anywhere, not in the theatre, not any more at least.
I can not sing, so no choir.
I can not draw or make anything artistic, so i really can not pursue that.
I am not athletic at all. just pretty much can run...but i have done that.
I am not a stoner or am major drunk partier, so a whole group of friends that I used to always be with are pretty much gone.
I hate so many people at central as it is, that school is filled with far to many terrible people.
So it leaves me alone. No where else to turn. Just me.
I do not have a best friend, a friend that lives close, I do nothing outside school simply because my parents will not allow me anywhere.
If it were up to me I would starve away. Become exactly on the outside that I feel on the inside and eventually become simply nothing at all.