Jump out and breathe.
I let her go. I finally did the only thing that I knew would make her happy. I gave into my masochistic side and gave her what she always wanted, a way out. The only time I was ever truly selfless, the one time in my entire 18 years of existence I was proud of a decision I made, it backfires. Now, she pretends that she always cared that she was always there and that I was supposed to be there for her. I held on for so long trying to, pretending that, I wasn't the problem, that things would work themselves out. They won't! I'm not putting my life on pause anymore to feed into the needs of hers, I gave her my entire world, let her into my life like no other. If she would have asked I'd have given her the entire world and carried it on my back to her feet, she didn't want it, she didn't want me. Now that temptation is calling she can't help but answer back, she wants the person who doesn't want her anymore, and I know from experience that as soon as she gets what she wants, she'll go right back to normal.
I can't forgive her. I'm not a forgiving person, she knows that. I tried to go as smoothly as possible. Cut off all contact, leaving her with the people she always wanted to be around the 'kiddies' that she wished could take my place, people that she cared to let in, the one's that knew that girl that I was denied access to. What of it now, my purpose in this world was to make sure that a smile was on her face and she always knew that one day I would leave, and I always knew that when I did it would be the hardest thing in my entire world. I held. I tried. I wanted to understand and I wanted her to do the same, but it took me not wanting it anymore, me finally giving up the only true dream that I had for her to see what she was missing out on.
I'm not the greatest person in the world, not by far, but I trusted her, I gave her my soul and she ripped it up in to a million tiny pieces and threw it back down at my feet in disgust. She now wants it back, does she not? I'm so confused about what is going on in my world. I took a chance and it ended up to be the best route for me. I wanted her, and in a non-bestfriend kind of way, she was the first girl I loved, the only person I was truly in love with from the moment I realized what love was. She had me, now she's lost me. I can't deal with the bipolar fits of rage, I can't deal with never knowing where I stand, I can't deal with being her friend anymore when all that it implies is that I'm constantly treated like shit and expected to take it like a man. I can't. I'm not strong enough, it's not going to happen.
I was the stupid girl who would have roped the stars for her. I'm so sorry for loving her so much and giving her that power over me. I won't make the same mistake again.
I can't forgive her. I'm not a forgiving person, she knows that. I tried to go as smoothly as possible. Cut off all contact, leaving her with the people she always wanted to be around the 'kiddies' that she wished could take my place, people that she cared to let in, the one's that knew that girl that I was denied access to. What of it now, my purpose in this world was to make sure that a smile was on her face and she always knew that one day I would leave, and I always knew that when I did it would be the hardest thing in my entire world. I held. I tried. I wanted to understand and I wanted her to do the same, but it took me not wanting it anymore, me finally giving up the only true dream that I had for her to see what she was missing out on.
I'm not the greatest person in the world, not by far, but I trusted her, I gave her my soul and she ripped it up in to a million tiny pieces and threw it back down at my feet in disgust. She now wants it back, does she not? I'm so confused about what is going on in my world. I took a chance and it ended up to be the best route for me. I wanted her, and in a non-bestfriend kind of way, she was the first girl I loved, the only person I was truly in love with from the moment I realized what love was. She had me, now she's lost me. I can't deal with the bipolar fits of rage, I can't deal with never knowing where I stand, I can't deal with being her friend anymore when all that it implies is that I'm constantly treated like shit and expected to take it like a man. I can't. I'm not strong enough, it's not going to happen.
I was the stupid girl who would have roped the stars for her. I'm so sorry for loving her so much and giving her that power over me. I won't make the same mistake again.