dilemma
So I find myself in a conundrum. I'm lying in bed, writing this, angry as hell at the guy currently sitting in the living room, probably screwing around on the god-damn computer (bear with me, I'm pretty pissed off). The problem is I find myself in the situation where I'm angry and don't want to deal with it anymore tonight because its not going to be resolved anyway, HOWEVER, I don't want to go to sleep angry. I never want to go to sleep angry. The idea terrifies me because you never know what could happen overnight and the last thing I wan't him (or anyone for that matter) to have as a last memory of me is anger. I know it sounds crazy but its something that I have always believed and always been terrified of.
What happened? It doesn't matter. Why am I angry? who cares. Am I right? Probably not, but I like to think so and hold on to that belief. Either way, I'm pissed off, lying alone in bed contemplating going in there and apologizing simply because the idea of sleep at this moment terrifies me too much.
Anyway, I've now fallen into the LJ trap of divulging too much and making things too personal but screw it. This is what its all about isn't it? Hearing other's problems and thinking 'I'm just liking everyone else, phew' or perhaps ' what the hell is her problem, thank god I'm not that screwed up'.
Please just recognize that this entry isn't about a fight - I have lived with Michael for 8 months and we are coming up on our 5 year anniversary, surprise, surprise, we have a normal relationships and therefore, we fight, sometimes about real stuff, sometimes about things you wouldn't believe me if I told you. This is about that horrible moment right before I turn out the light when we've faught (or I've gotten pissed off at something) and no resolution has been found, no apology has been uttered, and worst of all, a door has been slammed and there has been no kiss goodnight, and I worry about not waking up or, worse still, him not waking up, and that being it, forever. Its the most terrifying thought in the world to me and yet, I don't know what to do about it.
But he's turning out the lights, and he's coming to bed and I hae a decision to make... An answer to my damn dilemma.
What happened? It doesn't matter. Why am I angry? who cares. Am I right? Probably not, but I like to think so and hold on to that belief. Either way, I'm pissed off, lying alone in bed contemplating going in there and apologizing simply because the idea of sleep at this moment terrifies me too much.
Anyway, I've now fallen into the LJ trap of divulging too much and making things too personal but screw it. This is what its all about isn't it? Hearing other's problems and thinking 'I'm just liking everyone else, phew' or perhaps ' what the hell is her problem, thank god I'm not that screwed up'.
Please just recognize that this entry isn't about a fight - I have lived with Michael for 8 months and we are coming up on our 5 year anniversary, surprise, surprise, we have a normal relationships and therefore, we fight, sometimes about real stuff, sometimes about things you wouldn't believe me if I told you. This is about that horrible moment right before I turn out the light when we've faught (or I've gotten pissed off at something) and no resolution has been found, no apology has been uttered, and worst of all, a door has been slammed and there has been no kiss goodnight, and I worry about not waking up or, worse still, him not waking up, and that being it, forever. Its the most terrifying thought in the world to me and yet, I don't know what to do about it.
But he's turning out the lights, and he's coming to bed and I hae a decision to make... An answer to my damn dilemma.