Double Jeopardy
Genre: crack, AU, dialogue fic
Word count: 1048
Characters: Dean Smith, Sam Wesson, Emmanuel
Rating: G
Summary: Alex Trebek is not amused.
Written for the Alternate Universe theme at spn_bigpretzel
For the uninitiated, "Jeopardy" is a HUGELY popular American game show. They give you a clue, and you have to answer in the form of a question. Each correct answer wins you money.
“This is JEOPARDY! Introducing our contestants: a maintenance man from Kermit, Texas, Sam Wesson; a director of sales, from Lawrence, Kansas, Dean Smith; and currently unemployed, from Colorado, Emmanuel. And now the host of Jeopardy, ALEX TREBEK!”
(Applause)
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have three brand new contestants ready to play. Gentlemen, pick up your buzzers. The categories--”
(BLOING)
“What was that?”
“The sound of the game beginning, Sam. Again, the categories are:
“Northeastern American flora
Choose Your Poison
What’s Cookin’ In the 18th Century
Non-Modern Medicine
‘Phat’ Cats
They Wrote What?
Sam, you won the coin toss, so you go first.”
“I’ll take Choose Your Poison, Alex, for 200.”
“This Play Was A Frilly Old-Fashioned Hit.”
“...”
“Emmanuel?”
“...”
“Dean?”
“...”
“The name of the play is ‘Arsenic And Old Lace.’”
“What does that have to do with poison?”
"I’m sorry, Sam, but arsenic is a poison.”
“Yeah, but lace?”
“Now, now, big guy, you gotta play by the rules. That’s how we do it at Sandover.”
“Emmanuel, you go next.”
“Very well. Northeastern American flora.”
“For how much, Emmanuel?”
“I don’t need money.”
“You have to pick a number.”
“Uh...3.”
“A number on the board.”
“Oh. 200. That’s ground nut, a vine that blooms lavender flowers.”
“Emmanuel, that is the right answer, but not only did you not phrase your answer in the form of a question, we didn’t ask the question.”
“But what concern is that if I have the right answer?”
“We’re going to take a pause, and when we come back, we’ll have a chat with the contestants.”
**********************************************************
“JEOPARDY is sponsored by Julio’s Limousine Service. Julio’s, Low To The Ground and Always On Time.”
***********************************************************
“And we’re back. We start with Dean Smith. Dean, you once had a very interesting experience at work.”
“That’s right, Alex. All of the copiers in the Sandover building broke at once. I kicked the sh--stuffing out of the one on our floor, and the sucker worked! How cool is that?"
“Quite inventive, Dean. Sam, you have an unusual hobby involving creatures of the night. Don’t be embarrassed, go ahead.”
“I, uh, draw vampires. I have dreams about killing vampires, so I draw my dreams. I’ve filled up over 100 legal pads. I can’t control myself, Alex, I keep seeing vampires! But they don’t look like Dracula, they-“
“Calm down, Sam, we don’t hire vampires on Jeopardy. 100 legal pads, my my. Emmanuel from Colorado, I’m told you have an unusual skill.”
“I heal people.”
“You mean, you’re a doctor.”
“No.”
“You’re a psychiatrist.”
“No. I can cure cancer, shingles, and malaise.”
“...”
“I can heal that boil on your back, Alex, if you’ll let me touch you.”
“I don’t think so. And now, we get back to the board.”
“Alex, I’ll take They Wrote What? for 200!”
“I’m sorry, Sam, but Emmanuel did get the first question right, so technically he has the board.”
“If I might interrupt, Alex, our opponent did not answer in the form of a question.”
“Dean, those are the rules.”
“No disrespect intended, but we can win any money if that weirdo can answer all of the questions?”
“Dean, I would suggest that if you want to continue playing, you do not call the other players names. Emmanuel?”
“Northeastern American flora, Mr. Trebek.”
“All right, Emmanuel, but remember, wait for the clue!”
“Dutchman’s pipe, the giants of the East are white pine, beech bark disease-“
BOINGITY-BOINGITY-BOING-BOING-BOING
“What the hell was that?”
“Whoa, calm down, big fella! Emmanuel, you have Double Jeopardy. Your opponents have 0, you have $2000 which puts you in the lead.”
“I’ll bid one dollar, Alex.”
“For one dollar, from this little___grow large trees.”
“Acorns.”
“Wait a minute-that was a $1000 answer? That should have been a $200 answer! Who doesn’t know from little acorns grow large oaks?”
“Sam! Gentlemen! We will return after these messages.”
******************************
“Hotel accommodation for contestants provided by Swanson’s Hotel, Transients and Permanents-Swanson’s, the Best in Rapid Romance!”
***************************************
“And we’re back. It’s the Double Jeopardy round, the categories are-“
BLOING!
“AAAAAAH!”
“Take it easy, buddy, it’s only a sound.”
“Vampires make that sound, Dean! I’ve heard it.”
“In your dreams.”
“Exactly!”
“As I was saying, the categories are: Silent Comedy Queens, Who ‘Sed’ That, Life of Pie, True Bromance, Everybody Loves a Clown. Emmanuel, you have the board.”
“True Bromance, Mr. Trebek. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, Gregory House and James Wilson, Peter and Neal, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, Captain Jack and the Doctor. What’s a bromance?”
“Emmanuel, you’re missing the point of the game. And how do you know all of the questions and the answers?”
“It’s all frequencies.”
“...”
“Alex, with all due respect, I don’t think it’s fair to let Emmanuel play. We should at least get a shot.”
“You’re right, Sam, and you have the board.”
“But Mr. Trebek, I got all of the answers correct. That means I have the board.”
“I’m sorry, Emmanuel, but our judges think you need to give the board to one of the other players.”
“Mabel Normand, Marie Dressler, Dorothy Gish, Marie Prevost, Gloria Swanson, but she could also do drama.”
“Er...you’ve done it again, Emmanuel, you haven’t asked for the clues and you haven’t phrased your answers in the form of a question. I’m afraid you are disqualified.”
“That hardly seems fair, Mr. Trebek. But, you are in charge.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that, Emmanuel. I would advise Dean and Sam to do the same. Sam?”
“Okay, Alex, I’ll take Everybody Loves A Clown for $1200.”
“Yeah, right.”
“All right, folks, now we’re playing Jeopardy.”
BOINGITY-BOINGITY-BOING-BOING-BOING
“Holy CRAP!”
“Pussy.”
“Sam, you’ve got nothing to wager on the Daily Double, but here’s the clue: Stephen King’s Killer Klown Had This Nickname.”
“Stephen King’s K-Killer clown? Killer clown...killer clown...if it bleeds, you can kill it...but they don’t bleed...”
“Sammy, you’re wetting yourself.”
“Mr. Trebek, Mr. Wesson has fainted. It appears he is afraid of clowns.”
“No shit, Sherlock!”
“Mr. Smith, why do you have a knife? Mr. Trebek, why does Mr. Smith have a knife? Is this part of the game?”
“SECURITY! SECURITY!”
“...”
“...”
“Where did they all go?”
“...”
“...”
“From me, Alex Trebek, goodbye and hope you’ll tune in tomorrow. Please forget this ever happened. Phil, I’ll be in my dressing room. Get me a vodka gimlet.”
A/N For those that don't know, Dean Smith and Sam Wesson are their "alternate universe" identities in "It's A Terrible Life," and Emmanuel is the amnesiac Castiel in "The Born-Again Identity." Of course, if you don't watch that show, that won't mean anything, but I thought I should explain.