This is the story of a girl....
So I was chatting on IRC, as I'm want to do from time to time (but only infrequently)
and it was brought to my attention that someone who I would've thought I would've told
wasn't aware of the Gen story.
So here goes, see if I can get my thoughts together.
Back in 92 I broke up with my fiance Emma. It was a bit of a rough breakup, I found out she'd been cheating on me with a few different ppl, and then to top it all off, she started shagging the flatmate. I had enough and moved into a flat just along the road from my grandparents and aunties place.
There was a girl living there, chinese/italian extraction. and she rocked. She down from auckland to do T Coll, and was 18. A member of the NZ womens karate team, etc. she was always off on runs and the like. So I decided I wanted to go to the gym and lose weight, cos she was hot. I'll never forget my target of 80 kg. I wanted to get to 80 kg by the time she got back from akld in the august holidays. I didn't make my target. I got to 80.2 kg for half a week. never crossed 80. Then the day after she got back I was 78.7 kg.
anyway... she had a friend, Rach who became a personal trainer, and competed in fitness competitions but that's not really relevant. after about 18 months in that flat, she moved out, cos she was going to go to police college. I still hadn't told her how much I likde her. lots of flirting n stuff, but my mind always went "nah, she didn't mean it like that"
Mr Negativity had nothing on me.
after she went to wellingotn, and then auckland (after graduating 2nd in her class) I hoped to see her when she came down on holiday for a week, but I didn't. I bumped into a couple of ppl I knew from WINZ who both knew her, and I was hassling her for not catching up with me while she was down.
Then I got the call.
The call that changed a person.
The very next day after bumping into her old work mate at paper plus, he called the flat. "Have you heard?"
"heard what" I ask.
"Gen's dead" he says
"ha, nice one, funny cunt. so what have I supposed to have heard?" I reply
"She's dead" (slightly more soberly this time)
"what?"
"she killed herself yesterday lunchtime"
so basically, the exact time I was jokingly calling her a bitch for not looking me up, she was doing the last things to end her life.
I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even see.
--- fade to black ---
(time pans to the following day at les mills, where I see her friend rach, who at the time was working as a personal trainer)
our eyes meet with a "have you heard?" look.
we walk towards each other (well I think so, I don't really remember) and then started hugging and crying in the middle of the gym floor.
after a couple of lines of convo which I forget, the words that I'll never forget. "You could have stopped it, you know"
"huh?"
"all you had to do was tell her to stay, and she would have. everybody knew you liked each other. You just had to tell her, and she'd have stayed in Dunedin. for you."
what, I ask you, do you say to that. I had no idea. I had always hoped she liked me, but had no idea. damned negativity.
anyhow. that's why I am what I am. why I am always so sifty and forward. cos I don't want to take the chance again of not being able to save someone.
So why am I bring this up?
Cos I'm "in crush" again.
not just one of the silly little crushes I get every couple of weeks on irc. this is a real-lifer.
Angie.
from tek.
but, yet again... I'm scared shitless.
fear of failure, fear of rejection.
I found out today that she knows I like her. but I'm still trying to find/work out if that's good or bad. I'm a fucking mess. I know what I should do, but I'm so paranoid.
if I tell her straight out, will she laugh at me? will she say "if you weren't so fat" will she say "sorry, you're not my type"
I can't even think of doing it by email or text, cos I'd be convinced that she'd have told everyone else about it, and they'd all be laughing on the inside. laughing at the 32 year old teenager who can't even say he likes someone. who has no chance of getting someone like her anyway.
BLAH.
anyway. I know what I'm going to do. I don't know how, I don't know when. But I have to.
but please, god. or whatever else is there. PLEASE don't a9f hdsvihfdsuhvdsah9vhsfdvhnncxvkx
I might continue this later. I might not.
wish me luck. or strength. or something.
and it was brought to my attention that someone who I would've thought I would've told
wasn't aware of the Gen story.
So here goes, see if I can get my thoughts together.
Back in 92 I broke up with my fiance Emma. It was a bit of a rough breakup, I found out she'd been cheating on me with a few different ppl, and then to top it all off, she started shagging the flatmate. I had enough and moved into a flat just along the road from my grandparents and aunties place.
There was a girl living there, chinese/italian extraction. and she rocked. She down from auckland to do T Coll, and was 18. A member of the NZ womens karate team, etc. she was always off on runs and the like. So I decided I wanted to go to the gym and lose weight, cos she was hot. I'll never forget my target of 80 kg. I wanted to get to 80 kg by the time she got back from akld in the august holidays. I didn't make my target. I got to 80.2 kg for half a week. never crossed 80. Then the day after she got back I was 78.7 kg.
anyway... she had a friend, Rach who became a personal trainer, and competed in fitness competitions but that's not really relevant. after about 18 months in that flat, she moved out, cos she was going to go to police college. I still hadn't told her how much I likde her. lots of flirting n stuff, but my mind always went "nah, she didn't mean it like that"
Mr Negativity had nothing on me.
after she went to wellingotn, and then auckland (after graduating 2nd in her class) I hoped to see her when she came down on holiday for a week, but I didn't. I bumped into a couple of ppl I knew from WINZ who both knew her, and I was hassling her for not catching up with me while she was down.
Then I got the call.
The call that changed a person.
The very next day after bumping into her old work mate at paper plus, he called the flat. "Have you heard?"
"heard what" I ask.
"Gen's dead" he says
"ha, nice one, funny cunt. so what have I supposed to have heard?" I reply
"She's dead" (slightly more soberly this time)
"what?"
"she killed herself yesterday lunchtime"
so basically, the exact time I was jokingly calling her a bitch for not looking me up, she was doing the last things to end her life.
I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even see.
--- fade to black ---
(time pans to the following day at les mills, where I see her friend rach, who at the time was working as a personal trainer)
our eyes meet with a "have you heard?" look.
we walk towards each other (well I think so, I don't really remember) and then started hugging and crying in the middle of the gym floor.
after a couple of lines of convo which I forget, the words that I'll never forget. "You could have stopped it, you know"
"huh?"
"all you had to do was tell her to stay, and she would have. everybody knew you liked each other. You just had to tell her, and she'd have stayed in Dunedin. for you."
what, I ask you, do you say to that. I had no idea. I had always hoped she liked me, but had no idea. damned negativity.
anyhow. that's why I am what I am. why I am always so sifty and forward. cos I don't want to take the chance again of not being able to save someone.
So why am I bring this up?
Cos I'm "in crush" again.
not just one of the silly little crushes I get every couple of weeks on irc. this is a real-lifer.
Angie.
from tek.
but, yet again... I'm scared shitless.
fear of failure, fear of rejection.
I found out today that she knows I like her. but I'm still trying to find/work out if that's good or bad. I'm a fucking mess. I know what I should do, but I'm so paranoid.
if I tell her straight out, will she laugh at me? will she say "if you weren't so fat" will she say "sorry, you're not my type"
I can't even think of doing it by email or text, cos I'd be convinced that she'd have told everyone else about it, and they'd all be laughing on the inside. laughing at the 32 year old teenager who can't even say he likes someone. who has no chance of getting someone like her anyway.
BLAH.
anyway. I know what I'm going to do. I don't know how, I don't know when. But I have to.
but please, god. or whatever else is there. PLEASE don't a9f hdsvihfdsuhvdsah9vhsfdvhnncxvkx
I might continue this later. I might not.
wish me luck. or strength. or something.