Standing Still 25/25
Title: Standing Still (25/25)
Author: CSIGeekFan
Rating: R (Language)
Genre: Drama/Angst
Summary:It's been five years since that fateful day that he walked away from Oakdale. Five years since he had his heart ripped to shreds. Five years since the ultimate betrayal.
Author's Note: I can't believe this is the last chapter. I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments on this journey. I also want to mention that there will be an epilogue. And Happy Easter!
PREVIOUSLY
Two days later, as Ash watched Lanie check off the last day of their month in Oakdale, he noted the way she kept shooting glances at him. How long had they been together? Some days, it felt like not long enough, and others it felt like an eternity - the good kind of eternity.
If he had been straight, he had no doubt they'd be together. Instead, he loved her more than his sisters, more than his mother… more than any other woman he'd ever known. It amazed him what could come of a friendship forged in the heat of pain. That they could be so open with one another, to the point of absolute trust, made him wish once again that he could be what she needed.
So instead, he watched her tick off that last mental day and subtly distance herself from this place and everyone in it.
X X X
The month he had promised Lucinda had come… and gone.
That last night, knowing he would have to talk to his family the next evening, Ash walked along the banks of Snyder pond, settled himself near Reid's ashes, and stared out into the dark. Alone.
It might be ridiculous, but of everyone he'd spoken with, the ones with whom he needed to share his words had been given silence. So he dug deep, brought Reid's face into his mind, and began.
"Sitting at a table in the Lakeview, eating lunch with Grandmother, I picked up a file and started reading the facts and figures," he said into the empty dark night. "I tuned out the people around me, and sank myself into numbers."
Turning his head, he stared at Reid's ashes in their glass urn. He spoke to Reid when he said, "It was the first time in years that I felt like Luke."
Considering how short a time he'd known Reid, the impact the other man had had on his life awed him. That he'd felt so completely free with the doctor made his gut churn with lost dreams, but it also made him very proud. Screw favorite color and screw the lack of background. He'd known Reid. If only he'd gotten the chance to tell him that.
"It didn't matter that we didn't have enough time together," Ash whispered and then turned his head to look up and forward into the night sky. Softly, he added, "Every act has led me someplace. It's propelled me forward, even if the motivator was pain. Even if what moved me was death."
And that was Ash's question. What would move him now?
He found his answer in the most unexpected place.
X X X
Lily Snyder brought him into this world. She loved him in the only way she'd known how, and since his arrival back in Oakdale had surprised him with how much she'd changed for his sake.
Sitting on her couch, drinking a cup of dark brew, Ash watched her nervously putter around the living room. It became obvious as she fidgeted that whatever the topic, it bothered her greatly. So as she muttered something about coffee cake and rose from where she'd barely sat down on the couch, he reached out and laid his hand on her arm, effectively stopping her.
"What's going on?" he softly asked.
Apparently that simple gesture was all it took to calm her frayed nerves. The instant change in her demeanor, and the way the lines in her face relaxed, made him nod in satisfaction and he patted the seat next to him.
"Your father misses you," she began. "And so do I."
Nothing she revealed surprised Ash, so he waited. God knew Lily had never been one to be at a loss for words.
"I know the deal was for you to stay a month, but I think everyone has hoped that you will stay permanently," she said. Tears glistened in her eyes, when she said, "I've been so grateful that you don't hate me."
Guilt burned in Ash's gut. He hadn't meant to make her think that he'd ever hate her, and opened his mouth to speak, only to have it effectively stopped when Lily raised her hand in a stop gesture. It took a moment, but eventually she added, "I really need to say this. Please."
So he waited until she collected her words. He waited while she studied his face. And he waited while she visibly calmed.
"I lost you because I hadn't learned to let you be who you're going to be," she admitted. "I set my own failed expectations on you - all my own hopes and dreams. My burdens became yours, and I stopped being the parent you needed when you were so very young."
Ash simply nodded his acceptance of her words as he felt his own emotions rise - not because she said the words, but because he could see it in her eyes that she believed them. Years ago, the irresponsibility she now acknowledged would have been nothing but a meaningless turn of phrase with no substance. Now, though, her brown eyes pooled in regret that sank deep.
"Somehow, through it all, you've succeeded where your father and I failed. You became the kind of man most can only dream of becoming. Honest. Beautiful," she said as she raised her hand to his face.
Ash flinched at the touch, but held himself still and stiff under the gentle caress of her fingers on his scars. In her eyes, he saw himself falling down, and how she'd brushed him off and kissed his owies better. The gentle touch of her fingertips on his cheek felt vaguely similar, and emotions roiled deep within.
"Lily," he began, only to stop and correct himself. In a bare whisper, he said, "Mom."
"You're such a beautiful man," she said. "Remember who got you there."
X X X
The question had remained loudly unasked over the last week of their stay in Oakdale. Yet Ash felt it throughout those last days. Even Jason began to fidget under the strain of it, although he didn't understand precisely what had been making him cranky.
"Thank you for coming," Ash said, opening the door wide.
Over the last ten minutes, people had begun streaming in. Family.
"Well, you beckoned us all here for a reason, I assume," Lucinda replied, sliding off her coat and handing it to her grandson. John, for his part, just smiled and nodded a greeting before heading over to greet Holden, Carl, and the other Snyder men.
Ash's sisters sat on the couch reading fashion magazines, and the boys had some toys out on the floor.
"I want to thank everyone for coming," he said, waiting a moment to gather everyone's attention. "I just have a couple things to say."
Lucinda looked like she was about to intercept her grandson's thoughts and talk for him, but Lily's hand on her mother's arm stopped the older woman short.
Standing in front of him, Ash's nerves flared a little. He knew what he had to do, and he knew someone was going to get hurt. So he decided to treat it like a band-aid and rip it off fast. Get to the point, say what he had to, and hope no one hated him in the end. Especially the boys.
"Grandmother," he began, "I need you to have your plane fueled and ready to leave tomorrow." He looked at Lanie for confirmation before he added, "In fact, I think Lanie, Carl, and Jason are already packed."
He kept his eyes on Lanie, though, for what he had to say next. The last person he wanted to hurt was his Lanie…
"When I came to New York, I never expected to find my life turned upside-down. I didn't intend to become anyone other than the eager, hopeful, and insecure Luke," he began. "After waking up in the hospital, I sure as hell never expected to become the kind of man I am today."
He shot Carl a glance and wryly said, "Dealing with armed robbers had never been something I thought I'd ever do. Never expected to spend time cleaning piss and puke off the floor either."
The old man smirked, and raised his beer bottle slightly in a salute.
Ash's gaze shifted around the room, looking at each person, until his eyes landed on Lily, and he said, "I came from a place where I knew I was loved. No matter what happened, good or bad, I was well and truly loved by my parents, my siblings, and my friends. Even if they didn't always show me in the best way."
It still saddened him to think of what he considered the unforgettable betrayal of those in the hospital that had done so little to save the one person who had made his life shine. Quietly, he looked at John and said, "I've seen what you've done at Memorial. I needed to see that somehow he'd be remembered. More than anything, I needed him to be remembered for what he gave, not just that no-shit attitude and making nurses cry."
"His life mattered," John somberly replied. "What the two of you designed will continue to matter for generations."
And to Ash, it was enough.
What he had to say, though, had to be said to the boys who watched with rapt attention.
Ash could count on one hand the number of times he'd ever seen Jason cry. With his arm casted in neon orange, trying to look tough, he looked more the little boy he'd met years ago than a snotty pre-teen. Limping over, Ash set his cane next to the Jason's and painfully crouched down where the boys sat on the floor.
"One day, when you're grown up, you're going to find someone you want to spend your life with. Someone who is going to make you so very happy that you'll wonder how you were able to breathe without them," Ash said. With a father's hand, he pushed blond curls away from Jason's forehead and watched a couple tears drip from the kid's eyes. Switching his glance to Ethan, he said, "And one day, you'll find the same. You'll bring home children. Our parents will be amazing grandparents."
But what Ash really had to say was fully for Jason.
"One day, when you're all grown up, you'll get to bring your children home to your Mom and me," he said. "You'll always be my son. I don't give a damn if we don't share blood. Neither do Holden and I. He's always been an amazing Dad."
The tears fell more freely as Jason realized what Ash meant. He smiled when he asked, "Can I help you pack?"
"Yeah," Ash replied. Glancing at the woman in his life and holding out a hand, he waited for Lanie to take it and help him to his feet. With a sad smile around the room, he said, "I can't take back all of these years and become what I once was. All I can do is move forward."
He knew, given a chance, his grandmother would keep them there - him and the family he'd built. So he limped forward, gratefully gripped her hands in his and said, "Please respect this decision, Grandmother. My life, whether you agree with it or not, stopped being here a long time ago. A few years ago, I might have been able to come back and start again. I'd still be Luke Snyder instead of Ash Eduards. Maybe my grief would have gone a different direction. Maybe the pain of losing Reid would have made me stronger as Luke."
When Lucinda looked like she might forego her typical steel stoicism for tears, Ash hugged her and said, "But somewhere along the way, I took the best part of what my family here gave me, and passed it along. I made my own family."
"I know, Luke," she said, her voice choked with unshed tears. Then she did what she'd always done. Drew in her strength and gifted him with her support. With gentle acknowledgement, she kissed his cheek and whispered, "I know."
It was time to go home.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 24
Chapter 23
Chapter 22
Chapter 21
Chapter 20
Chapter 19
Chapter 18
Chapter 17
Chapter 16
Chapter 15
Chapter 14
Chapter 13
Chapter 12
Chapter 11
Chapter 10
Chapter 9
Chapter 8
Chapter 7
Chapter 6
Chapter 5
Chapter 4
Chapter 3
Chapter 2
Chapter 1