Standing Still 24/25
Title: Standing Still (24/25)
Author: CSIGeekFan
Rating: R (Language)
Genre: Drama/Angst
Summary:It's been five years since that fateful day that he walked away from Oakdale. Five years since he had his heart ripped to shreds. Five years since the ultimate betrayal.
Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who's commented on this story. Your words have meant a lot, and made me glad.
PREVIOUSLY
The last few words caused her to tense, and Ash felt every muscle in her go stiff. Lanie didn't know just how predictable she'd become - how comforting the ritual of their friendship had become. He heard her words before she ever spoke them.
"It'll be time to go home soon."
Long ago, Ash had to learned to be patient. His friend could never hold back the dam of words when they needed to be said, so he needed to wait. Let her find those syllables and sentences in her own time. Eventually, she did.
"You have an amazing family here," she said. Sadness seeped into her eyes and by the light of the moon, he read the unspoken words clearly. I'll miss you.
X X X
The ticking of the clock sounded in his bedroom like a death beat.
Unable to take it anymore, Ash rose, jerked on his clothes, and headed out into the pre-dawn world. Why did it always seem like he was racing against time? The sudden compulsion of Lanie to pressure him into staying in Oakdale annoyed and worried him. It was as if she accepted they needed to separate. Didn't she see the options she was shoving in his own face?
He knew he looked like hell. His eyes burned from lack of sleep, his face itched where stubble grew up grotesquely between the scars, and even his rough hands looked pale. It looked like he belonged in the hospital, instead of standing out front. Staring at the hideous glass face of the neurology center.
"Fuck, that's ugly," he murmured, snorting at the ridiculous humor of it. Leave it to Lily to pick out something this obnoxious. Then again, maybe it was fitting. It certainly made a statement, kind of like the man for whom it was named. Reid could be loud as hell when the situation warranted.
"I keep finding you here," Chris Hughes said as he stepped forward to stand beside Ash.
A moment of silence descended. Ash couldn't decide whether to walk away, stand still, or crawl into a quiet corner for a nap. So he did what would take the least effort and stayed.
After a moment, though, it was the tone of Chris's voice that held him there.
"In medical school, I met this guy that could be so damn frustrating," the pediatrician said. "I was good. Better than good, actually. Pretty damn great. But here comes this guy that's so damn perfect, it put everything I ever worked for to shame."
Softly, he added, "He was the first person to ever make me jealous - to ever make me wish I could be that much better. It was a bitter pill to swallow when we all realized I could never be that good."
"Not many in the world could," Ash replied. The simple truth hung comfortably in the air between them.
"I wish I'd known it back then," Chris admitted. "I wish it hadn't taken so many people to be hurt for me to learn it. I really did value him as a friend. I just wished I'd told him that at least once."
With that regret, he laid a hand on Ash's shoulder, squeezed gently, and walked away.
X X X
In general, they'd kept his plans in place. He and Reid had poured over the architectural plans hours at a time. Together, they'd debated the merits of every square foot, until they'd been satisfied - with the project and each other.
"Do you approve?" Anita asked.
For the last thirty minutes, she'd shown the young man through every detail of the neurology center - from the recently expanded pediatrics unit to the laboratory. Finally, they'd ended in her office. For a woman of her years, she'd almost laughed at finding herself nervous to hear his answer.
Handing him a cup of coffee, she waited for him to tentatively take his first sip of the dark brew and smiled.
"It looks busy," he said. "It looks like a lot of people are being helped."
As they'd passed through the various units, he'd reconciled his and Reid's dream to what had been implemented. They'd made it come true - a place for families to be able to stay with their loved ones during the hardest times. Only in the pediatrics area had any real changes occurred, and that had been to maneuver a couple walls to make a game room.
"Chris and Katie Hughes re-worked the layout of the children's unit here," she said. "We take on a lot of pro bono work for the research facility that started up because of the success of this place and our work with kids."
"Research?"
"We're working in conjunction with a few other hospitals and research centers around the world," she proudly offered. When she'd come here, it had been with the hope to make this place so successful that she could indulge in one of her greater loves - finding better treatments for children with brain injuries. "We just started this last year, but we're well underway."
They sat companionably sipping coffee in her airy office as Ash thought back through the tour he'd just taken. If he closed his eyes, he could see the enthusiasm in Reid's eyes. Oh God, the man would've been thrilled with what had been created.
"He demanded perfection of himself," Ash murmured. "But when he let go of the demands on himself and just let himself look at the world… he smiled." Opening his eyes and looking hers, he added, "This place would've made him smile."
For her part, Anita settled behind her desk and watched the pained young man in front of her rise to go stand at the large window. Morning sun seeped through in thin winter rays. She could see his mind whirring, and feel the heat of emotion pulse off him in waves.
Ash didn't see anything in the corporeal world through his unfocused eyes. Instead, he saw that memory of a flirty grin in his mind. He spoke to the room in general when he explained, "He always had this expression on his face. This oh-so-serious look. Stern. Sober."
With a glance over his shoulder, Ash closed his eyes and watched that smile light up once again his mind and inhaled deep. "But then he smiled, and everything about him changed. He could laugh and relax and just be what he'd never allowed himself to be."
Ash swiveled his head back to stare blankly out the window as images of what could have been filled him.
He murmured, "For so long, he relied on medicine or chess or some other tangible way to prove that he mattered to someone. To anyone. And then one day, he looked around and he had all these people who mattered. Bob. Chris. Katie. Jacob." He turned his head, smiled sadly, and finished, "Me."
And in that second, he understood a hard truth. At the end of his time, Reid had found his family. He'd finally come home.
X X X
"You do know I suck at this, right?" Carl asked as he popped the top off a beer bottle and settled onto the couch next to Ash.
Lanie and Jason had left just moments ago for a walk, and the men settled down to watch whatever sport they could find on television. Leave it to their girl to be not-so-subtle with her nudging Carl and pointed looks. The message had been clear. Talk.
"Yeah, you do suck at the heart-to-hearts," Ash replied, leaning back and picking up the remote. "Know what you're gonna say anyway."
"It's a good place you've got here," Carl said, ignoring his young friend. "You've got a hell of a family here."
Carl didn't need to add he had a bar to run halfway across the country - or that he was getting restless. It was time to go home.
X X X
"Do you ever regret it?" Lanie asked as they sat at the kitchen table. "Do you ever regret leaving?"
"Sometimes," Ash admitted. "I'll never regret knowing you. How could I?"
"But don't you get lonely?" For herself, Lanie felt that aching loneliness seep deep whenever she saw a happy couple strolling along hand-in-hand. Watching Lucinda and John together had brought that home. So had the short time she'd watched Carly and Jack. She hoped one day she might find that sense of comfortable companionship.
Ash thought about her question, and eventually replied, "I didn't think I'd ever find anyone to love me - to be as in love with me as I was with them - until I met Reid."
It was a day for epiphanies.
Smiling, he laid his hand across Lanie's and said, "I may never find that one person to spend my life with again, and I'm okay with that. I got to have something pretty fucking amazing, even if I didn't get to have him for very long."
X X X
Holden found Ash the next morning as the younger man donned his jacket.
"Can you ride?" he asked his son, glancing at the cane.
"Don't know," Ash replied. "Haven't tried."
Within half an hour, they sat astride their steeds, walking sedately as they took in their surroundings.
"I can't believe you've been here almost a month," Holden said as they came to a halt in the middle of an ice-crusted meadow. In the early-morning sun, before the rays of the sun could melt the glistening crystals on the blades of stiff grass, the entire area took on a surreal quality.
"I used to love coming out here alone in winter," Ash said, as he took in the way the crystalline land glowed with the growing day. "Reminded me of the spun sugar castle in The Nutcracker. Magic."
"Yeah," Holden agreed, glancing at his son. Long ago, this had been their ritual. A way to start their day together when they'd had something on their minds. At times like this, he could still see the boy his Luke had been, and revel in the feeling of contentment that struck bone deep in their peaceful relationship.
He hoped their relationship stayed peaceful after what he had to say. To some degree, he figured he might make his son angry. But Holden had never been much for lies and deceit. Nothing good had ever come of them; and he'd always prided himself on the ability to talk to his son. Of all of his kids, Luke had been the one with whom he could talk, even when he couldn't understand him.
"When you left, you took a piece of me with you," he said. "You took a piece of our family."
Ash wouldn't deny his culpability - it wasn't in his make-up to deny a truth. So instead, he steeled himself and listened. He had a feeling his father wasn't done just yet. Holden proved him right.
"You hurt us in a way that only a beloved child could," the older man continued. "You took away what little peace of mind we had." With less conviction, and sadness infused into his demeanor and voice, he continued, "You broke my heart, and left me a little more cynical than I'd once been."
Right or wrong, these sins weighed against Ash. He'd learned years ago, when he'd damn near drank himself to death, that every action had a consequence. His choices affected more than just himself. So he nodded acknowledgement and waited.
His father had one more thing to say, and he could see it weighing on him.
"Your month's almost up," Holden said. "I'm glad you came home, son."
X X X
Two days later, as Ash watched Lanie check off the last day of their month in Oakdale, he noted the way she kept shooting glances at him. How long had they been together? Some days, it felt like not long enough, and others it felt like an eternity - the good kind of eternity.
If he had been straight, he had no doubt they'd be together. Instead, he loved her more than his sisters, more than his mother… more than any other woman he'd ever known. It amazed him what could come of a friendship forged in the heat of pain. That they could be so open with one another, to the point of absolute trust, made him wish once again that he could be what she needed.
So instead, he watched her tick off that last mental day and subtly distance herself from this place and everyone in it.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 23
Chapter 22
Chapter 21
Chapter 20
Chapter 19
Chapter 18
Chapter 17
Chapter 16
Chapter 15
Chapter 14
Chapter 13
Chapter 12
Chapter 11
Chapter 10
Chapter 9
Chapter 8
Chapter 7
Chapter 6
Chapter 5
Chapter 4
Chapter 3
Chapter 2
Chapter 1