I'm totally guilty
You know I have really been thinking. I used to be totally pure in an idealogical sense not a just a personal sense. I was oblivious to race...I didn't evne register accents. I genuinely was PC...I had had the upbringing that all activists dream of...one free of racial prejudice.
I realize now though that I have lost that...on some fundemental level. Not that I consciously am racist or believe one race is better than another but I find that those stereotypes and negative associations have indeed gotten to me in some cases. I don't really think that its a problem when it comes to Blacks, to Asians, or most ethnicities...but naturally maybe this is just because I am in california...and in California the major racial issue is Hispanic.
And somewhere in there I started to feel that pressure without realizing it.
I don't know where this happened...as I look back the first thing that might account for it that I remember was my best friend Erin in 4th grade saying (while we were talking about my mom wanting to pull me out of the public school spanish immerision program I am in and put me in a private waldorf school) that my mom should just put me in normal public school because it was being atuck associated with the hispanic kids that was my problem...like they were some sort of unwanted less cool beings and that being connected to them was a taint on me that would keep true happiness and social success away forever. Eventually my mom convinced my dad that Waldorf was the way to go (she later admitted to me that a big part of it was that she was so worried about me that she was not sleeping with him so he gave in just so as to get some) and the whole hispanic issue utterly vanished from my consciousness because we were all little white kids now...well I guess that Kaleo was hawaiian but that was more a novelty than a stigma. So possibly it was the sheltering there that made me lose my pre-babel mentality of race blindness...if the seeds has not already been sown by my lovely friend. On the other hand perhaps it just wiped all the non-racist images of hispanic people I had known out of my head so that i woudl have a fresh slate to corript later. So as highschool began we moved to Petaluma. IN petaluma there was no true diversity. petaluma high consisted of: a lot of white kids, a small amount of asians, less than 10 black kids, and... the hispanics. Throughout all of my honors classes in highschool there were only 3 or 4 hispanic people...not in a given class but in all of them combined. This was not representative of there not being hispanic people at PHS but rather at them being in general not the college bound. I never realized it before but now I cant help but see that this enviroment totally warped my mind. I began to see hispanic people as being all of their stereotypes...and the creeps out in front of fair west market probably didn't help. I never ever admitted it but I started to see hispanics as pretty much something to stay away from. and I didn't even realize what was happening.
Now you are all going to say...but what about your best friend...what about Natasha.
Well it is not that I was so far gone as to judge individuals I knew by their race...just those I didn't. Also I met Natasha my first year in Petaluma before all this really seeped in...and not only is she part Russian she is also Puerto Rican which is much less stigmatic than being Mexican or something. Not that I thought about any of this. I just now am starting to try and figure out what really has been going on for me.
I'm not like an active racist or anything...I just realize that certain prejudices have indeed stuck in my head.
Another thing I realize is that my first crush ever tab (thomas alejandro burton-lopez) in 4th grade was hispanic...as was my pre-crush juan who I used to enjoy the attention of running abound trying to catch me because he was madly in love with me in the 7 year old way. Then the hispanic influence vanishes. I went to waldorf land of the white kids and then petaluma where the only hispanic guys I had classes with were the miguels. Then what...band boys start materializing. The second one I thought was attractive was rafael... Then we get to about a year ago when I started what would dominate up until the present. Guess what ethnic backround this force was from...that's right yep hispanic.
Which leads me to another question...under the racism against them I have accumulated...do I have a thing for hispanic boys?
I really have much more to write perhaps but I have already taken too long.
I'd be interested to hear what everyone thinks about all this...
I realize now though that I have lost that...on some fundemental level. Not that I consciously am racist or believe one race is better than another but I find that those stereotypes and negative associations have indeed gotten to me in some cases. I don't really think that its a problem when it comes to Blacks, to Asians, or most ethnicities...but naturally maybe this is just because I am in california...and in California the major racial issue is Hispanic.
And somewhere in there I started to feel that pressure without realizing it.
I don't know where this happened...as I look back the first thing that might account for it that I remember was my best friend Erin in 4th grade saying (while we were talking about my mom wanting to pull me out of the public school spanish immerision program I am in and put me in a private waldorf school) that my mom should just put me in normal public school because it was being atuck associated with the hispanic kids that was my problem...like they were some sort of unwanted less cool beings and that being connected to them was a taint on me that would keep true happiness and social success away forever. Eventually my mom convinced my dad that Waldorf was the way to go (she later admitted to me that a big part of it was that she was so worried about me that she was not sleeping with him so he gave in just so as to get some) and the whole hispanic issue utterly vanished from my consciousness because we were all little white kids now...well I guess that Kaleo was hawaiian but that was more a novelty than a stigma. So possibly it was the sheltering there that made me lose my pre-babel mentality of race blindness...if the seeds has not already been sown by my lovely friend. On the other hand perhaps it just wiped all the non-racist images of hispanic people I had known out of my head so that i woudl have a fresh slate to corript later. So as highschool began we moved to Petaluma. IN petaluma there was no true diversity. petaluma high consisted of: a lot of white kids, a small amount of asians, less than 10 black kids, and... the hispanics. Throughout all of my honors classes in highschool there were only 3 or 4 hispanic people...not in a given class but in all of them combined. This was not representative of there not being hispanic people at PHS but rather at them being in general not the college bound. I never realized it before but now I cant help but see that this enviroment totally warped my mind. I began to see hispanic people as being all of their stereotypes...and the creeps out in front of fair west market probably didn't help. I never ever admitted it but I started to see hispanics as pretty much something to stay away from. and I didn't even realize what was happening.
Now you are all going to say...but what about your best friend...what about Natasha.
Well it is not that I was so far gone as to judge individuals I knew by their race...just those I didn't. Also I met Natasha my first year in Petaluma before all this really seeped in...and not only is she part Russian she is also Puerto Rican which is much less stigmatic than being Mexican or something. Not that I thought about any of this. I just now am starting to try and figure out what really has been going on for me.
I'm not like an active racist or anything...I just realize that certain prejudices have indeed stuck in my head.
Another thing I realize is that my first crush ever tab (thomas alejandro burton-lopez) in 4th grade was hispanic...as was my pre-crush juan who I used to enjoy the attention of running abound trying to catch me because he was madly in love with me in the 7 year old way. Then the hispanic influence vanishes. I went to waldorf land of the white kids and then petaluma where the only hispanic guys I had classes with were the miguels. Then what...band boys start materializing. The second one I thought was attractive was rafael... Then we get to about a year ago when I started what would dominate up until the present. Guess what ethnic backround this force was from...that's right yep hispanic.
Which leads me to another question...under the racism against them I have accumulated...do I have a thing for hispanic boys?
I really have much more to write perhaps but I have already taken too long.
I'd be interested to hear what everyone thinks about all this...