Actually, he's coming as we speak
Tonight after work daniel kevin and I went to Fridays for some fantastically good times. The waitress wasn't particularly pleased to have a table to begin with, but she can suck on it cus I gave her a good tip. She caught me scoping out daniel and kevin's rear ends, and probably fell under the impression that the two of them were gay lovers, or something. Anywho, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I was in tears, it was beautiful..
For the record, I love my brother. I am so fucking lucky.
I went back and read through a lot of old stuff tonight. Some of my own, and some of other people's. Both cases, lots of things regarding lots of people and lots of situations. I'm trying to take it all in, decide how I feel. A lot of stuff still makes me sad though I am trying to put it out of my head. Somehow I can't, somehow thats the type of person I am. I lay in my bed at night thinking of how to fix it, driving myself crazy. Give up Emily. This is life. And then I realize that what I want is so old, so outdated it would be nearly impossible to recover. What I want isn't really available now...damn it, though.
XXXXXXXXXXX: ok you can count on it then and hold me to it and if I miss it then you can point all the fingers (and toes) you have at me
well, consider them pointed.
I set my mind to not feeling this way when it all started, because I knew exactly what would come of it. However, despite that, somehow part of me couldn't resist. Now I am here and frustrated, but without any justification. I'd never admit this to them, and they'll never know who they are. That doesn't make it any easier.
I found my senior letter to kevin today while looking at all my old conversations and documents. I don't know that I ever gave it to him, though I should have. Its a good one, well written. Reading it made me a bit teary eyed, silly I know. Hes had a huge impact on my life though, I can't imagine not having him around. I think maybe thats why I am so protective, because i fear that one day I'll be forgotten though he has assured me otherwise.
I wish I wrote more beautifully. I can, when I really sit down and think about what I want to say. The truth is if i wrote in here everythign i wanted to say rahter then everything I want to say and some censorship, I think it would flow better. But such is the nature of LJ. There is so much I want to say yet little opportunity to write it. I may offend someone, hurt their feelings, start some huge uprising or comment war against me.
Gosh I want to make all the bad feelings go away. I want to call you and tell you what you did...what you do. I want to write a letter, or make a phone call. Send a text message...i don't care. I just want it all to go away. The other night was so immature, so high school, yet every minute of it killed me. My heart went out to you, though I felt so outside. I wanted to reach across the table and hug you, but it seemed somehow inappropriate.
That’s the hardest part of it all. It isn’t knowing what to say to you, but rather, how to say it
For the record, I love my brother. I am so fucking lucky.
I went back and read through a lot of old stuff tonight. Some of my own, and some of other people's. Both cases, lots of things regarding lots of people and lots of situations. I'm trying to take it all in, decide how I feel. A lot of stuff still makes me sad though I am trying to put it out of my head. Somehow I can't, somehow thats the type of person I am. I lay in my bed at night thinking of how to fix it, driving myself crazy. Give up Emily. This is life. And then I realize that what I want is so old, so outdated it would be nearly impossible to recover. What I want isn't really available now...damn it, though.
XXXXXXXXXXX: ok you can count on it then and hold me to it and if I miss it then you can point all the fingers (and toes) you have at me
well, consider them pointed.
I set my mind to not feeling this way when it all started, because I knew exactly what would come of it. However, despite that, somehow part of me couldn't resist. Now I am here and frustrated, but without any justification. I'd never admit this to them, and they'll never know who they are. That doesn't make it any easier.
I found my senior letter to kevin today while looking at all my old conversations and documents. I don't know that I ever gave it to him, though I should have. Its a good one, well written. Reading it made me a bit teary eyed, silly I know. Hes had a huge impact on my life though, I can't imagine not having him around. I think maybe thats why I am so protective, because i fear that one day I'll be forgotten though he has assured me otherwise.
I wish I wrote more beautifully. I can, when I really sit down and think about what I want to say. The truth is if i wrote in here everythign i wanted to say rahter then everything I want to say and some censorship, I think it would flow better. But such is the nature of LJ. There is so much I want to say yet little opportunity to write it. I may offend someone, hurt their feelings, start some huge uprising or comment war against me.
Gosh I want to make all the bad feelings go away. I want to call you and tell you what you did...what you do. I want to write a letter, or make a phone call. Send a text message...i don't care. I just want it all to go away. The other night was so immature, so high school, yet every minute of it killed me. My heart went out to you, though I felt so outside. I wanted to reach across the table and hug you, but it seemed somehow inappropriate.
That’s the hardest part of it all. It isn’t knowing what to say to you, but rather, how to say it