Back down memory lane
Woa. It's been ages since I've done a proper entry. Yesterday was a good day of reflection so I shall endeavour to pen my thoughts down as a reminder.
Well, last week was a rather worrying week, some stuff going on, but thanks to L who made me laugh, it didn't go as bad as it could have gone. Still, it emphasized the urgency for me to return; I'm still letting go of the idea of working in London with great reluctance. It's time for me to stop shirking my responsibilities. Some opportunities are not meant for me to take up; it's not good to be greedy and seize every “opportunity” because some are actually other things in disguise, and I should not fall into the trap of over-estimating myself and getting into more shitholes. Some things I know in my mind - I've thought them out rationally (at least I think and hope so!), but sometimes the heart rebels... Instinct tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. Maybe I think too much?
I'm getting the solitude I've needed here. It's ironic because sometime around a year ago, I was hit by a very strong feeling of wanting to disappear off the face of the earth, to hermit myself in a cave where no one could find me, and just figure things out. Instead, I ended up here. (Still, your life is what you make of it, and I've mostly chosen the hermit path here) I guess it's the “grand finale” to a tumultuous chapter of my life, one which I wrote about with such emotion, in a moment of clarity one night 5 years ago, that my proof-reader declared that it was as if I'd stabbed her in the heart. Such is the power of words. I've gone through the entire process; denial, anger, depression/despair, bargaining and now.. acceptance. Still, echoes of “what if..” does occasionally run through my mind, though they are gradually fading into the background. I've denied it (fat lot of good it does when reality smacks you in the face and smothers you into the ground until you can't breathe), I've searched for answers in religion and tried to bargain with God (interestingly, a lot of ppl assume I'm Christian, but I'm not), I've had the roller-coaster rides, I've tried the distraction game of headless-chicken-run days (but that just left me even more stressed, distressed and exhausted). At some point, you realize that there is no point in running because it just dogs you at your heels and hits you hard when you fall down. So.. peace and quiet. Solitude and reflection. Almost like a round-up summary and conclusion as to what I’ve learnt. After all, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
Be fluid, like water. S, my arch-enemy in secondary school used to say, “Yo Po! Go with the flow!” Hahaha.. I can't believe I'm actually quoting him, the mis-fit gangster who used to pick fights in school and who ultimately got expelled from yet another school. The irony. Learning to identify silver linings in every crapass situation thrown at me was perhaps one of my biggest challenges. Still, it doesn't mean taking everything lying down; stand up for what you believe in, know what you want and go for it. Seize it. And if you fail at first, try again because if you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. But when it becomes clear that you're not meant for it, then accept it. If your instincts are yelling at you to go the other direction, then pause and dissect the problem logically. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I used to read that plaque on my table every single day for 2 years, never really understanding, never really realizing until much later.
I haven't really been able to sleep the last couple of days. Had a nightmare about Sandy who had me by the throat, and I was grappling with her trying to get her off me and both of us were getting taller and taller. In the end, I just woke up and decided not to go back to sleep. In way of distraction, I've had a couple more photography projects thrust upon me. Well, “suggested”.. I don't mind doing them since I like playing around with photography anyway, but I don't think I'm all that talented and may not meet the expectations. Plans of grandeur they are too: one started off as a suggestion of a collage for a classmate who was leaving, but that evolved to a class photo (although I guess that evolution wasn't so much that classmates' suggestion but my own since I thought the collage would be a little tacky - stupid perfectionist me) with plans of incorporating calligraphy, black and white photo mosaic and a inspirational/philosophical saying (Elaine: any suggestions for the saying? I may put the finished product on my DA scraps if I like it). The other plan was by C, involving a photo exhibition of women mountaineers. I need her to elaborate because the initial suggestion which she threw up in the air, left me thinking nothing of it, until she mentioned in passing today about her grand plans. Of which I have absolutely no clue of.
It's interesting how preconceived notions of certain things affect people's perception of you. It's almost as if they have a real need to place you in a certain category; as if they're too lazy to have to figure out every single person they meet. So they slot you in a best-fit category, chosen from a range that they've loosely prepared. Whether it's the preconceived notions of certain names and reputations or their innocence in believing the best of others, somehow I keep getting placed into “slots” that I think are actually higher than what I feel I'm at. Perhaps I'm just too cynical. Whatever it is, I don't feel up to the level that I'm regarded at. 谈不上。This must be the difficulty all HR ppl face: how do you figure out a person from a 1-2 page piece of paper that lists academic and other achievements that are most likely exaggerated?
I sorely miss my climbing buddies in London. More so after climbing at the uni opposite yesterday. The feeling of comradeship amongst us in London is definitely stronger; but maybe it's because I spent the last 6 months building that base. It was weird the first couple of trips, I'll admit as much. I just feel it's a little harder when it's a language I'm not so comfortable with, plus the fact that I can never think of anything to say to people, let alone to someone who speaks a different language. Heck, I even miss D yelling instructions at me advising me what to do! I miss him pushing me to do better because he has more faith in me than I do. [eg. lead climbing!] I miss pushing C to climb more, to climb better, to not give up. I miss Z and our ratings of “singles”, “doubles”, “triples” and “quads”. I miss K and her spouting random stuff about herself to me. I miss M's discussions about anything and everything. And I want to encourage P to do the DofE because it was the best thing I ever did. On the flip side, I now get to watch shorter people climb, which makes things a little easier when it comes to me trying to figure out the technique to tackle a particular route problem. They are good climbers, no doubt about that, and quite strong. They are generally friendly, if a little quiet. And there are hilarious moments (which I appreciate all the more because I actually understand it and it’s in Mandarin!) such as “歇一下“ vs“下了吧”and the resulting“不下！不下！”Then the first-timers climbing and getting scared at the roof and yelling that they want to go down, but the belayer encouraging them from below. Then when the guy was at the top, he didn't touch the chalky spot so the belayer didn't want to let him down and he kept yelling at him to touch that spot! The climber was like, “ok ok, 我摸一摸， 就下了!”
Went to the Tombs yesterday. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find it, given that LP gave extremely vague directions, but we made it there in the end. It was truly a peaceful place of solitude and reflection. I actually feel more rested, more at peace, despite having been up since 2am yesterday. :) *contented smile* I must say that I was expecting more of a graveyard feel to it; more like the Chinese graveyards at home, like Nirvana. Or the one on the hillside by the Chinese school. Still, it got me thinking (yet again) about my epitaph. “LiveStrong”, the bracelet I wear symbolizes my motto, my approach to life. Don't make excuses, but live strong and let nothing stop you. It's also a stark reminder of what I've lost, the lessons learnt from it, where I should be heading. Is it arrogant to presume that someone will bother enough to have any sort of remembrance of me, whether it be a columbarium, or a gravestone? Have I actually made such an impact in my passing/crossings with other peoples' paths? I find myself back to the same point; questioning as to what I want out of life. Is there anything else beyond this? What if this is it? What is the point? With the passing of a couple of generations, presuming that such a thing does even happen, the memory will be gone, and with that, all trace of me. Obliterated. If the world doesn't end first, that is.. and with the world going the way it is, environmentally, that's not a very far stretch at all. And from LiveStrong, it shall be.. “Lived Strong".
Well, last week was a rather worrying week, some stuff going on, but thanks to L who made me laugh, it didn't go as bad as it could have gone. Still, it emphasized the urgency for me to return; I'm still letting go of the idea of working in London with great reluctance. It's time for me to stop shirking my responsibilities. Some opportunities are not meant for me to take up; it's not good to be greedy and seize every “opportunity” because some are actually other things in disguise, and I should not fall into the trap of over-estimating myself and getting into more shitholes. Some things I know in my mind - I've thought them out rationally (at least I think and hope so!), but sometimes the heart rebels... Instinct tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. Maybe I think too much?
I'm getting the solitude I've needed here. It's ironic because sometime around a year ago, I was hit by a very strong feeling of wanting to disappear off the face of the earth, to hermit myself in a cave where no one could find me, and just figure things out. Instead, I ended up here. (Still, your life is what you make of it, and I've mostly chosen the hermit path here) I guess it's the “grand finale” to a tumultuous chapter of my life, one which I wrote about with such emotion, in a moment of clarity one night 5 years ago, that my proof-reader declared that it was as if I'd stabbed her in the heart. Such is the power of words. I've gone through the entire process; denial, anger, depression/despair, bargaining and now.. acceptance. Still, echoes of “what if..” does occasionally run through my mind, though they are gradually fading into the background. I've denied it (fat lot of good it does when reality smacks you in the face and smothers you into the ground until you can't breathe), I've searched for answers in religion and tried to bargain with God (interestingly, a lot of ppl assume I'm Christian, but I'm not), I've had the roller-coaster rides, I've tried the distraction game of headless-chicken-run days (but that just left me even more stressed, distressed and exhausted). At some point, you realize that there is no point in running because it just dogs you at your heels and hits you hard when you fall down. So.. peace and quiet. Solitude and reflection. Almost like a round-up summary and conclusion as to what I’ve learnt. After all, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
Be fluid, like water. S, my arch-enemy in secondary school used to say, “Yo Po! Go with the flow!” Hahaha.. I can't believe I'm actually quoting him, the mis-fit gangster who used to pick fights in school and who ultimately got expelled from yet another school. The irony. Learning to identify silver linings in every crapass situation thrown at me was perhaps one of my biggest challenges. Still, it doesn't mean taking everything lying down; stand up for what you believe in, know what you want and go for it. Seize it. And if you fail at first, try again because if you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. But when it becomes clear that you're not meant for it, then accept it. If your instincts are yelling at you to go the other direction, then pause and dissect the problem logically. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I used to read that plaque on my table every single day for 2 years, never really understanding, never really realizing until much later.
I haven't really been able to sleep the last couple of days. Had a nightmare about Sandy who had me by the throat, and I was grappling with her trying to get her off me and both of us were getting taller and taller. In the end, I just woke up and decided not to go back to sleep. In way of distraction, I've had a couple more photography projects thrust upon me. Well, “suggested”.. I don't mind doing them since I like playing around with photography anyway, but I don't think I'm all that talented and may not meet the expectations. Plans of grandeur they are too: one started off as a suggestion of a collage for a classmate who was leaving, but that evolved to a class photo (although I guess that evolution wasn't so much that classmates' suggestion but my own since I thought the collage would be a little tacky - stupid perfectionist me) with plans of incorporating calligraphy, black and white photo mosaic and a inspirational/philosophical saying (Elaine: any suggestions for the saying? I may put the finished product on my DA scraps if I like it). The other plan was by C, involving a photo exhibition of women mountaineers. I need her to elaborate because the initial suggestion which she threw up in the air, left me thinking nothing of it, until she mentioned in passing today about her grand plans. Of which I have absolutely no clue of.
It's interesting how preconceived notions of certain things affect people's perception of you. It's almost as if they have a real need to place you in a certain category; as if they're too lazy to have to figure out every single person they meet. So they slot you in a best-fit category, chosen from a range that they've loosely prepared. Whether it's the preconceived notions of certain names and reputations or their innocence in believing the best of others, somehow I keep getting placed into “slots” that I think are actually higher than what I feel I'm at. Perhaps I'm just too cynical. Whatever it is, I don't feel up to the level that I'm regarded at. 谈不上。This must be the difficulty all HR ppl face: how do you figure out a person from a 1-2 page piece of paper that lists academic and other achievements that are most likely exaggerated?
I sorely miss my climbing buddies in London. More so after climbing at the uni opposite yesterday. The feeling of comradeship amongst us in London is definitely stronger; but maybe it's because I spent the last 6 months building that base. It was weird the first couple of trips, I'll admit as much. I just feel it's a little harder when it's a language I'm not so comfortable with, plus the fact that I can never think of anything to say to people, let alone to someone who speaks a different language. Heck, I even miss D yelling instructions at me advising me what to do! I miss him pushing me to do better because he has more faith in me than I do. [eg. lead climbing!] I miss pushing C to climb more, to climb better, to not give up. I miss Z and our ratings of “singles”, “doubles”, “triples” and “quads”. I miss K and her spouting random stuff about herself to me. I miss M's discussions about anything and everything. And I want to encourage P to do the DofE because it was the best thing I ever did. On the flip side, I now get to watch shorter people climb, which makes things a little easier when it comes to me trying to figure out the technique to tackle a particular route problem. They are good climbers, no doubt about that, and quite strong. They are generally friendly, if a little quiet. And there are hilarious moments (which I appreciate all the more because I actually understand it and it’s in Mandarin!) such as “歇一下“ vs“下了吧”and the resulting“不下！不下！”Then the first-timers climbing and getting scared at the roof and yelling that they want to go down, but the belayer encouraging them from below. Then when the guy was at the top, he didn't touch the chalky spot so the belayer didn't want to let him down and he kept yelling at him to touch that spot! The climber was like, “ok ok, 我摸一摸， 就下了!”
Went to the Tombs yesterday. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find it, given that LP gave extremely vague directions, but we made it there in the end. It was truly a peaceful place of solitude and reflection. I actually feel more rested, more at peace, despite having been up since 2am yesterday. :) *contented smile* I must say that I was expecting more of a graveyard feel to it; more like the Chinese graveyards at home, like Nirvana. Or the one on the hillside by the Chinese school. Still, it got me thinking (yet again) about my epitaph. “LiveStrong”, the bracelet I wear symbolizes my motto, my approach to life. Don't make excuses, but live strong and let nothing stop you. It's also a stark reminder of what I've lost, the lessons learnt from it, where I should be heading. Is it arrogant to presume that someone will bother enough to have any sort of remembrance of me, whether it be a columbarium, or a gravestone? Have I actually made such an impact in my passing/crossings with other peoples' paths? I find myself back to the same point; questioning as to what I want out of life. Is there anything else beyond this? What if this is it? What is the point? With the passing of a couple of generations, presuming that such a thing does even happen, the memory will be gone, and with that, all trace of me. Obliterated. If the world doesn't end first, that is.. and with the world going the way it is, environmentally, that's not a very far stretch at all. And from LiveStrong, it shall be.. “Lived Strong".