my plan...
MY plan is to force my dad to listen to me.... i know my mom won't listen to me and a prime opportunity for my dad to listen to me (and he is more sentimental/ understanding) without my mom interfereing or ginving second thoughts that i am ok... he is coming to pick me up tomarrow and after my final and the car is packed... i am going to be very blunt and tell him ALL MY THOUGHTS>> ALL OF THEM...... and i am going to read my journals to him(well at least some of them there is alot---but there is 8 hours of car ride) becuase i have such a difficult time explaining and i am embarressed of my feelings... so i will try and read them to him...and show him the tests i have taken online ect... and hopfully he will finally listen to me.....I feel hopless but maybe tomarrow will be my day of restitution (is that the right word?) anyway... i don't know what he is going to do.. i am thinking about going to the doctor.. no i wish to get better.. i will tell him i want to go.... and i figure i would do this to the doctor tooo only a much shorter version: which is
Dear Dr.
I think i might have depression. For the past several years I am always tired and have rightly been nicknamed sleepy. I usualy felt numb, life had no meaning, and i never truly felt happyness. I usually tucked any real feelings deep down and gave the world a happy face. I often thought about death and suicide and i never thought anything was going to change. I thought it was my personalit, who i was. I think i gradually lost more and more interest in things. However, this year i realized that those and my current thoughts might not be normal. This year i more often cried for no reason and since i had no t.v. would stare at my walls for hours at a time. I have not really made any friends i think i was too antisocial and have had a hard time fitting in with any crowd. I tended to sleep even more and even with 10-15 hours of sleep i still felt tired. i often can't go to sleep when i am supposed to go to sleep and my mind races making it difficult to fall alsoleep. I also have had a much harder time concentrating, and have at times an anxiety attack where i feel trapped, aggrivated and i want to explode. Which makes me feel like i am crazy for about 30 minutes or so. I feel so much worse than just numb and i still think about suicide/death daily. I only came clost to commiting suicie once. I decided to take alot of tylenol and when i did i spit it back out and obviously didn't go through with it. often when i don't have homework to do i feel even worse. and more meaningless. although my feelings affect my social life and my sleep i have been able to get done with the important things like homework but other things like cleaning take a back seat. I felt writing was the best and easiest way to describe my position.
i figure then i wouldn't have to talk to the doctor i could just hand this lettre to him and wait for him to read it.... and then ask me questions.... i have such a fear of doing this.. you have no idea how much this has been stressing me out for the past several weeks.... and i am just soo scared... i figure since i am such a shy person that i could easily just hand this to him and maybe he'll get the picture.
Dear Dr.
I think i might have depression. For the past several years I am always tired and have rightly been nicknamed sleepy. I usualy felt numb, life had no meaning, and i never truly felt happyness. I usually tucked any real feelings deep down and gave the world a happy face. I often thought about death and suicide and i never thought anything was going to change. I thought it was my personalit, who i was. I think i gradually lost more and more interest in things. However, this year i realized that those and my current thoughts might not be normal. This year i more often cried for no reason and since i had no t.v. would stare at my walls for hours at a time. I have not really made any friends i think i was too antisocial and have had a hard time fitting in with any crowd. I tended to sleep even more and even with 10-15 hours of sleep i still felt tired. i often can't go to sleep when i am supposed to go to sleep and my mind races making it difficult to fall alsoleep. I also have had a much harder time concentrating, and have at times an anxiety attack where i feel trapped, aggrivated and i want to explode. Which makes me feel like i am crazy for about 30 minutes or so. I feel so much worse than just numb and i still think about suicide/death daily. I only came clost to commiting suicie once. I decided to take alot of tylenol and when i did i spit it back out and obviously didn't go through with it. often when i don't have homework to do i feel even worse. and more meaningless. although my feelings affect my social life and my sleep i have been able to get done with the important things like homework but other things like cleaning take a back seat. I felt writing was the best and easiest way to describe my position.
i figure then i wouldn't have to talk to the doctor i could just hand this lettre to him and wait for him to read it.... and then ask me questions.... i have such a fear of doing this.. you have no idea how much this has been stressing me out for the past several weeks.... and i am just soo scared... i figure since i am such a shy person that i could easily just hand this to him and maybe he'll get the picture.