i am really hating myself...
the way i express myself is through the written word and through drawing...unfortuntaly for the latter of the two i feel more guilty taking part in (don't ask questions) and i don't really care that much about it anymore... although i am missing it... this is confusing.... i don't want to do it but i miss it???? oh well i am full of contradicting thoughts and welll writing is easier cuz everything just spills out throught the keys... but now i am starting to feel shame for writing sooooo incredibly much... i spend way to much time writing...but i feel like when i am not writing in some form or manner ---since i can't seem to do anything else-- i feel worse becuase then the emotions and feelings begin to get pent up inside and i start getting emotional constapation worse than crying constipation..... my emotions get trapped and then i get even more scared to talk about them.. so i find it much better when they flow freely.. and not until this year have i discovered this...... i usually kept all my emotions inside... but now i don't think many people like it that i am sharing my feelings... (well becuase there not dandy daises)...so now i am scared and don't know what to do.... should i go back into hidding and become the hermit crab and pretend to be the dandy daisy on the outside.... why cant i ever think properly.... i have so many ideas and crazy thoughts always happening at once.... or i feel totally numb and the world means nothing.... not that it means much now it just brings annoyance and aggrivation!!!....and i feel so rotten and wrong for typing so much but it is become so uncontrolable becuase it is so much faster than hand writing it out... i get so much more out.... I am addicted to writing SOME ONE BREAK MY COMPUTER!!!!!!...no i would kill the person who tried to do this.... (actually i probably would seriously injure them with a rugby tackle and then kick them in the stomach while they were down and proceed to beat them)....i hate this i hate it so much... but i feel at a loss and hoplessly tumbling down an abandoned road that will never lead to a safe haven...I want to just DIE!.... i need to come up with a better pharse than that ... that is starting to get on my nerves... seriously i need to come up with a new phrase for that action/feeling.... BORING!!!! see i am even boring myself...