I feel sick
If you're anything like me, you go through moods. In particular I want to bring up moods towards your family. My moods usually consist of my devotion to my family. The never want to leave them, want to make them proud and happy mood. Then there's the normal balanced mood. But then there's the other one. The one where you NEED to get away, and you need some space because sometimes you just feel like you are rotting away with them in such a comfortable routine lifestyle.
I go to Czech in 6 days, and for a while I felt very very guilty about it. I felt guilty because my family life and some members are having really tough times right now, and because I should be here to help them with the process and to keep things normal for them. I also didn't want my Mom to feel lonely, or for them to be writing me being all lonesome all the time. So I felt guilty for leaving for a while.
Just now my Mom really really pissed me off. She started out by saying "Oh last week when you booked your ticket I was really stressed and I just didn't care what you did or where you went, so I just let you do it." Followed by "You shouldn't be going, you're too young, it's too long, we need you here, etc." By which I said, I need this for me. I'm dying to travel and to get away. And that I need the chance to just be out of here for a while. And then I said, lots of people my age don't even come home anytime during the year. She basically attacked me then saying "Oh yes you live your life SOOO selflessly" etc.etc, on and on and on. She freaked out like pretty severely and then said "Go. I'm reading."
That bullshit pushes me away. That's the kind of motivation I need to leave and not come back. I live here all year long, I work my ass off. And I want to do one thing for me. Not to mention, my family is supposed to come to Europe this summer anyway, so we would be sharing the time together.
I wish she would fuck off first off. She is NOT saying those things because she is going to miss me. She's saying them selfishly because she wants me as the watch dog for some members of my family. She wants me here so she doesn't have to worry so much. And I can't do that for her. I'm not staying around here being as bored and as CAGED as I feel, not having a job or not being in school. I'm not letting myself down that way.
I'm not getting any younger. I don't have all the time in the world. I need to do things for my own growth, and for my own pleasure. I don't want to be in such a realistic shitty situation for 12 months of the year. It's that simple, and that's how it's going to be.
Another thing is that I'm leaving Sydney once I get my degree. So she better get used to it and quick.
The irony of this situation is that all she ever fucking talks about is leaving here. Leaving my Dad, and going to Abu Dabai or some shit like that to never be heard from again. And I never say "Ohh you are crazy. You are so selfish." I don't. Because she can do what she wants and I will support her even if it means a crappy situation for me and my family. Oh well.
So. I wish I wasn't bitching like this. And I wish I didn't feel this way right before I leave on a trip for four months. I wish that didn't have to happen, but such is life.
Hopefully I'll make my peace. Until then, get me out of here.
I go to Czech in 6 days, and for a while I felt very very guilty about it. I felt guilty because my family life and some members are having really tough times right now, and because I should be here to help them with the process and to keep things normal for them. I also didn't want my Mom to feel lonely, or for them to be writing me being all lonesome all the time. So I felt guilty for leaving for a while.
Just now my Mom really really pissed me off. She started out by saying "Oh last week when you booked your ticket I was really stressed and I just didn't care what you did or where you went, so I just let you do it." Followed by "You shouldn't be going, you're too young, it's too long, we need you here, etc." By which I said, I need this for me. I'm dying to travel and to get away. And that I need the chance to just be out of here for a while. And then I said, lots of people my age don't even come home anytime during the year. She basically attacked me then saying "Oh yes you live your life SOOO selflessly" etc.etc, on and on and on. She freaked out like pretty severely and then said "Go. I'm reading."
That bullshit pushes me away. That's the kind of motivation I need to leave and not come back. I live here all year long, I work my ass off. And I want to do one thing for me. Not to mention, my family is supposed to come to Europe this summer anyway, so we would be sharing the time together.
I wish she would fuck off first off. She is NOT saying those things because she is going to miss me. She's saying them selfishly because she wants me as the watch dog for some members of my family. She wants me here so she doesn't have to worry so much. And I can't do that for her. I'm not staying around here being as bored and as CAGED as I feel, not having a job or not being in school. I'm not letting myself down that way.
I'm not getting any younger. I don't have all the time in the world. I need to do things for my own growth, and for my own pleasure. I don't want to be in such a realistic shitty situation for 12 months of the year. It's that simple, and that's how it's going to be.
Another thing is that I'm leaving Sydney once I get my degree. So she better get used to it and quick.
The irony of this situation is that all she ever fucking talks about is leaving here. Leaving my Dad, and going to Abu Dabai or some shit like that to never be heard from again. And I never say "Ohh you are crazy. You are so selfish." I don't. Because she can do what she wants and I will support her even if it means a crappy situation for me and my family. Oh well.
So. I wish I wasn't bitching like this. And I wish I didn't feel this way right before I leave on a trip for four months. I wish that didn't have to happen, but such is life.
Hopefully I'll make my peace. Until then, get me out of here.