[fanfic] I need you so much closer
Fandom: DBSK
Pairing: JaeSu
Word Count: 1 226
Genre: drama. a tiny bit fluff.
Thanks to: A HUGE AND BIG AND WONDERFUL AND DEEPEST THANK YOU TO itachibana13 because she helped me SO SO much with like everything. especially english being one of a grammar and tense bitch and overall just a big THANK YOU to her because she made this fic to what it is now. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
For: sakuranbokissx because I still need to write her request(s) and I really want(ed) to write for her but somehow JaeSu was stuck in my head and I had to let it out before I could work on the requests. So I let her have this. bc I love her. and I hope she likes it. ♥
Inspiration: "Don't be afraid to sing" - Stars ♥♥ (background music)
It was not that he had been afraid of Jaejoong or that he had respected him too much to get close to him. No, it hadn’t been for any of the reasons people may have assumed about their relationship and why only he, Junsu, had seemed to be the one keeping his distance.
It had been because of the feeling he always had when he looked at Jaejoong. He had not been afraid of Jaejoong, but whenever that feeling had overcame him, a cold shiver of fear had ran through him yet he also had felt kind of excited.
Junsu had never talked about this with anyone, not with his best friend in the band Yoochun, his best friend in the whole wide world Hyukjae and not even with his twin brother Junho. He had kept it a secret.
And after years of watching and looking and analyzing that feeling he finally had gotten so much closer to an explanation. It hadn’t been that they weren’t close because they were so different and didn’t understand each other. It had been because they had understood each other perfectly, too perfectly. Or at least Junsu had thought he had understood Jaejoong so much more than anyone else when he had just looked at him.
And this feeling had scared him.
When Jaejoong leant closer to him, eyes half closed and lips unmoving but barely pressed together he knew exactly why he has been scared all the time.
All he could do in this moment though was to accept Jaejoong’s vulnerability and hold him. It didn’t feel awkward, but it was unfamiliar. He has never been good at this, at comforting and holding someone else.
A sigh escaped Jaejoong’s lips when Junsu started to touch his hair. He slowly combed through it, carefully to not hurt him in any way. He was fragile, so fragile and soft that Junsu had never tried to approach him, had never tried to comfort him in any way.
They sat like this for a long while and Junsu had given up to count time, to count anything but the number how often Jaejoong’s eyelashes danced up and down.
“I’m sad.” When Jaejoong finally spoke, his voice was still as melodic and magically as Junsu had always heard it, but it lacked the bright color it usually possessed whenever he talked with someone.
Junsu didn’t know what to answer so he just sat there, giving the only thing he knew he could give, his honesty.
His hand came to a rest on Jaejoong’s neck, fingering from time to time on the hem of his shirt or his hair, but never pressing too forceful into the sensitive skin.
Junsu still counted the blinks when he could see how tears formed at the end of the eyes. Slowly, like warm rain approaching a lazy summer afternoon and only increasing in strength in slow motion.
He could only watch, not wanting to catch these beautiful drops that made their way out of the eye onto the skin and down the cheek to at last fall from his chin on his thigh.
Junsu knew how Jaejoong looked when he cried, he had seen it far too many times to his liking the past few months and sometimes he had just wanted to hug him and press all the tears away. He had gotten angry at times, angry at the tears and the feelings that had made them well up, angry at Jaejoong and at himself and at the situation.
Then he had hid himself in the bathroom and had stared at the wall until his own eyes had begun to tear up and a headache had begun to form.
He had never touched Jaejoong and had only watched him being hugged by Yoochun, then had let them hug him.
Jaejoong was beautiful and crying made him even more beautiful, but also sad. And melancholic and a thousand more things Junsu couldn’t even think of names for.
He knew why he felt scared of approaching, of touching Jaejoong before. And he still didn’t regret this.
There were no words to be spoken, no wrong or right ones and never the ones that made it better. Junsu had learnt this long before this situation, long before he had seen Jaejoong cry too many times for him wanting to count.
He still watched him and didn’t back off when Jaejoong looked up and met his gaze. His eyes were glistening and Junsu thought, only for a moment, that he could see stars in them, blue and red and white and golden, so golden.
The moment was fading too fast to hold it behind his eyes, in his memory.
“Junsu-yah…”
It was only a murmur and Junsu’s eyes flickered down to Jaejoong’s lips, watching the movement of speaking fade away and the coming back of the familiar press of lip on lip, but only a bit, only so they wouldn’t open on their own.
When he looked back up to meet Jaejoong’s eyes again, he missed the little smile that settled on these lips.
“Can I tell you a secret?” For the flash of a moment Jaejoong was back, back to his usual self and Junsu couldn’t tell if this was a charade or a tragedy.
“Sure.” He answered with the usual easy smile, not even noticing that it was back on his own lips, giving his character more away than any analysis could.
“I only ever wanted to be held by you. Like this.” Now Junsu noticed the smile on Jaejoong’s lips, growing wider with every second that happened between them. The tears were nothing more than a faded memory on the corners of his eyes, crinkling and making them even more beautiful, making him more beautiful.
He waited, for what he didn’t know because the answer had been there, clear and ready to be spoken out, all the years.
Maybe Jaejoong had known this all along, maybe he had lived forth and forth for this moment to happen, wishing and dreaming. Or maybe Junsu had been the only one wishing and dreaming.
Now his dreaming would come to an end.
“I didn’t want to break you. Not you.”
Unspoken truths laid hidden in these words and one day Jaejoong would be the one asking and looking behind the layers. But not today.
“You can’t. Because you’re the one who keeps me from breaking .”
Jaejoong’s smile had spread across his whole face and now lit up his eyes, made them glow brighter than the stars Junsu had imagined before.
“You just never noticed. Because you’re afraid. Did you think I never noticed?”
With a small motion Jaejoong laid his hand on Junsu’s cheek and leaned even closer to him, stealing his breath away.
“I was waiting for you. All this time.”
Junsu couldn’t help himself, not when he had looked at him, or when they accidentally had gotten closer and especially not now with Jaejoong saying it to him like this. Not with him saying the truth so openly. And secretly he laughed at himself because this was Jaejoong and he always thought he knew him so well, that he understood him so well.
“I was waiting for the longest time, but now… We’re here.” Jaejoong let out a chuckle, soft and more a confession than anything else. And then he took Junsu’s heart away.
Pairing: JaeSu
Word Count: 1 226
Genre: drama. a tiny bit fluff.
Thanks to: A HUGE AND BIG AND WONDERFUL AND DEEPEST THANK YOU TO itachibana13 because she helped me SO SO much with like everything. especially english being one of a grammar and tense bitch and overall just a big THANK YOU to her because she made this fic to what it is now. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
For: sakuranbokissx because I still need to write her request(s) and I really want(ed) to write for her but somehow JaeSu was stuck in my head and I had to let it out before I could work on the requests. So I let her have this. bc I love her. and I hope she likes it. ♥
Inspiration: "Don't be afraid to sing" - Stars ♥♥ (background music)
It was not that he had been afraid of Jaejoong or that he had respected him too much to get close to him. No, it hadn’t been for any of the reasons people may have assumed about their relationship and why only he, Junsu, had seemed to be the one keeping his distance.
It had been because of the feeling he always had when he looked at Jaejoong. He had not been afraid of Jaejoong, but whenever that feeling had overcame him, a cold shiver of fear had ran through him yet he also had felt kind of excited.
Junsu had never talked about this with anyone, not with his best friend in the band Yoochun, his best friend in the whole wide world Hyukjae and not even with his twin brother Junho. He had kept it a secret.
And after years of watching and looking and analyzing that feeling he finally had gotten so much closer to an explanation. It hadn’t been that they weren’t close because they were so different and didn’t understand each other. It had been because they had understood each other perfectly, too perfectly. Or at least Junsu had thought he had understood Jaejoong so much more than anyone else when he had just looked at him.
And this feeling had scared him.
When Jaejoong leant closer to him, eyes half closed and lips unmoving but barely pressed together he knew exactly why he has been scared all the time.
All he could do in this moment though was to accept Jaejoong’s vulnerability and hold him. It didn’t feel awkward, but it was unfamiliar. He has never been good at this, at comforting and holding someone else.
A sigh escaped Jaejoong’s lips when Junsu started to touch his hair. He slowly combed through it, carefully to not hurt him in any way. He was fragile, so fragile and soft that Junsu had never tried to approach him, had never tried to comfort him in any way.
They sat like this for a long while and Junsu had given up to count time, to count anything but the number how often Jaejoong’s eyelashes danced up and down.
“I’m sad.” When Jaejoong finally spoke, his voice was still as melodic and magically as Junsu had always heard it, but it lacked the bright color it usually possessed whenever he talked with someone.
Junsu didn’t know what to answer so he just sat there, giving the only thing he knew he could give, his honesty.
His hand came to a rest on Jaejoong’s neck, fingering from time to time on the hem of his shirt or his hair, but never pressing too forceful into the sensitive skin.
Junsu still counted the blinks when he could see how tears formed at the end of the eyes. Slowly, like warm rain approaching a lazy summer afternoon and only increasing in strength in slow motion.
He could only watch, not wanting to catch these beautiful drops that made their way out of the eye onto the skin and down the cheek to at last fall from his chin on his thigh.
Junsu knew how Jaejoong looked when he cried, he had seen it far too many times to his liking the past few months and sometimes he had just wanted to hug him and press all the tears away. He had gotten angry at times, angry at the tears and the feelings that had made them well up, angry at Jaejoong and at himself and at the situation.
Then he had hid himself in the bathroom and had stared at the wall until his own eyes had begun to tear up and a headache had begun to form.
He had never touched Jaejoong and had only watched him being hugged by Yoochun, then had let them hug him.
Jaejoong was beautiful and crying made him even more beautiful, but also sad. And melancholic and a thousand more things Junsu couldn’t even think of names for.
He knew why he felt scared of approaching, of touching Jaejoong before. And he still didn’t regret this.
There were no words to be spoken, no wrong or right ones and never the ones that made it better. Junsu had learnt this long before this situation, long before he had seen Jaejoong cry too many times for him wanting to count.
He still watched him and didn’t back off when Jaejoong looked up and met his gaze. His eyes were glistening and Junsu thought, only for a moment, that he could see stars in them, blue and red and white and golden, so golden.
The moment was fading too fast to hold it behind his eyes, in his memory.
“Junsu-yah…”
It was only a murmur and Junsu’s eyes flickered down to Jaejoong’s lips, watching the movement of speaking fade away and the coming back of the familiar press of lip on lip, but only a bit, only so they wouldn’t open on their own.
When he looked back up to meet Jaejoong’s eyes again, he missed the little smile that settled on these lips.
“Can I tell you a secret?” For the flash of a moment Jaejoong was back, back to his usual self and Junsu couldn’t tell if this was a charade or a tragedy.
“Sure.” He answered with the usual easy smile, not even noticing that it was back on his own lips, giving his character more away than any analysis could.
“I only ever wanted to be held by you. Like this.” Now Junsu noticed the smile on Jaejoong’s lips, growing wider with every second that happened between them. The tears were nothing more than a faded memory on the corners of his eyes, crinkling and making them even more beautiful, making him more beautiful.
He waited, for what he didn’t know because the answer had been there, clear and ready to be spoken out, all the years.
Maybe Jaejoong had known this all along, maybe he had lived forth and forth for this moment to happen, wishing and dreaming. Or maybe Junsu had been the only one wishing and dreaming.
Now his dreaming would come to an end.
“I didn’t want to break you. Not you.”
Unspoken truths laid hidden in these words and one day Jaejoong would be the one asking and looking behind the layers. But not today.
“You can’t. Because you’re the one who keeps me from breaking .”
Jaejoong’s smile had spread across his whole face and now lit up his eyes, made them glow brighter than the stars Junsu had imagined before.
“You just never noticed. Because you’re afraid. Did you think I never noticed?”
With a small motion Jaejoong laid his hand on Junsu’s cheek and leaned even closer to him, stealing his breath away.
“I was waiting for you. All this time.”
Junsu couldn’t help himself, not when he had looked at him, or when they accidentally had gotten closer and especially not now with Jaejoong saying it to him like this. Not with him saying the truth so openly. And secretly he laughed at himself because this was Jaejoong and he always thought he knew him so well, that he understood him so well.
“I was waiting for the longest time, but now… We’re here.” Jaejoong let out a chuckle, soft and more a confession than anything else. And then he took Junsu’s heart away.