a fork in the road
there's something incredible about the combination of feeling your voice finally sort of move with a guitar chord and finding bits of your writing copied and pasted on the blogs of people you don't know. it kind of chokes me up, makes me feel less alone.
the stress is starting to build slowly, and i am still really frightened because i don't know if this is where i should go, if i can make it through this to get to where i want to be, and if where i think i want to be is even the right place for me. what if i just think i like writing and theatre because of external influence? will i be contented pursuing them? or have i mistaken the joy of recognition for a more important emotion? or are the two one and the same, or does the former make up parts of the latter?
i have too many questions, but too often this year i have been conscious of myself emoting for the sake of it - crying or expressing happiness because i think i should be so at the moment, even if i don't really feel the emotion. i am only sure of the anger and sense of isolation i felt so much so often this year. i feel as if i even hide from myself, which is the most stupid kind of self-alienation i could inflict.
i fear that the sadness i have 'felt' this year either
(i) stemmed from a desire for some melodrama in my monotonous days or
(ii) was something false that i forced myself to feel because at that moment i believed it was the 'correct' emotion.
and i especially fear that the joy i have 'felt' about my writing was either
(i) a superficial one centred around the recognition i received or
(ii) something false that i forced myself to feel because at that moment i believed it was the 'correct' emotion.
...i feel i think of things too complexly. mm but these moments choke me up all the same although i question them so harshly, and sometimes i think maybe that is what i should focus on achieving - being able to enjoy the good days truly and completely, to give in entirely to the emotions i feel at any point in time while looking ahead to the future. it's difficult to do, though: how do you plan for the vast and hazy days ahead without being flustered about the present?
i want to learn to balance my optimism and my fears. i often feel this vague sort of touchdown where i manage to reach that state of peace but i quickly slip off again. but i think i will get there slowly and learn to hold on.
**
i just read this: http://twistedtwig.tumblr.com/post/70591332298/is-our-society-addicted-to-chasing-happiness
amended some word choices above
more thinking about to happen hahah bye
let's keep pushing on
the stress is starting to build slowly, and i am still really frightened because i don't know if this is where i should go, if i can make it through this to get to where i want to be, and if where i think i want to be is even the right place for me. what if i just think i like writing and theatre because of external influence? will i be contented pursuing them? or have i mistaken the joy of recognition for a more important emotion? or are the two one and the same, or does the former make up parts of the latter?
i have too many questions, but too often this year i have been conscious of myself emoting for the sake of it - crying or expressing happiness because i think i should be so at the moment, even if i don't really feel the emotion. i am only sure of the anger and sense of isolation i felt so much so often this year. i feel as if i even hide from myself, which is the most stupid kind of self-alienation i could inflict.
i fear that the sadness i have 'felt' this year either
(i) stemmed from a desire for some melodrama in my monotonous days or
(ii) was something false that i forced myself to feel because at that moment i believed it was the 'correct' emotion.
and i especially fear that the joy i have 'felt' about my writing was either
(i) a superficial one centred around the recognition i received or
(ii) something false that i forced myself to feel because at that moment i believed it was the 'correct' emotion.
...i feel i think of things too complexly. mm but these moments choke me up all the same although i question them so harshly, and sometimes i think maybe that is what i should focus on achieving - being able to enjoy the good days truly and completely, to give in entirely to the emotions i feel at any point in time while looking ahead to the future. it's difficult to do, though: how do you plan for the vast and hazy days ahead without being flustered about the present?
i want to learn to balance my optimism and my fears. i often feel this vague sort of touchdown where i manage to reach that state of peace but i quickly slip off again. but i think i will get there slowly and learn to hold on.
**
i just read this: http://twistedtwig.tumblr.com/post/70591332298/is-our-society-addicted-to-chasing-happiness
amended some word choices above
more thinking about to happen hahah bye
let's keep pushing on