i always hurt
LEAH STOP
if you visit my live journel please dont read this i dont want you to cry i dont like to see the one person i love cry because of me i know you will probly read this any way but dont take any of this as your fault or me not loving you or wanting to leave you or you to think you need to leave me to change any thing but if you do read this entry i want you to leave a comment and call me so if you would like to show me you love me and care about me you will call me b4 you decide to dissrespect the fact that i do not want you to read this one entry
i love you leah please do not read past here i love you so much sweety i love you
please dont cry if you decide to keep reading leah
i sit with my head in my hands as tears drip down my wrist always wondering if life is suposed to be this painful or this hard, what good am i doing by living how many people dont like me how many "real" friends do i have do i want to keep living why am i so suicidal why do i wnat to die so bad why do i always think about it why cant i open up to any one why cant i let people into my life with out expecting them to leave... why do they leave why is it that all i have is hurt and pain and sorrow why do i always sit with my eyes shut and think about my hurt why do i always sit and think about cutting into my wrists why do i always put my self down what is it about me that is so messed up i have no emotions any more i have no soul no one really cares about what i say and no one ever read what i write so i figure i say what i want and put what i want in here bc im the only one who slightly cares any more when leah and i first started going out it was great it was so perfect but now now it is aweful neither one of us is happy any more i is so hard for me to stay with leah it only gets harder as time goes on but i cant leave i wont leave no matter how bad it gets i wont leave but its so hard to stay when i feel so unloved its so hard to deal with the constant fights how angry i always am at her i cant get off the phone with her without getting pissed about something i dont k now why but its like every thing she does bothers me and i dont know why i realy dont all i know is that the things she does bothers me and i dont like them i cant trust her any i remember how my friends used to tell me they loved their girl but didnt trust her and i always said you cant love some one with out trusting them, i guess i was wrong i wish i could trust leah i would lighten up on her so much and we wouldnt have as many fights but she cant make it more than 2 weeks with out messing up its getting so hard to not pick up the razors that lay in my dressor its getting to be so tempting jsut the sight of something sharp makes me want to cut my self until no more blood will come out i dont know why i always feel like this i dont like it i scare my self the few people that some what like me and tell me they are here for me when they jsut go and talk shit about me to my other "friends" believe it or not mean alot to me i had a terrible childhood and i had blocked most of it out and started to realise the things that i was doing had every thing to do with my childhood when leah asked me about it and wanted me to tell her about my drug use my childhood why i dont get along with my parents but i pretend to and why they pretend to get along with me every one knows that i hug pretty much every one that i talk to or at least used to now its only a few ppl like melissa colleen lisa lauren haley every now and then but i finally realized why id get so nevous around ppl to the point where i would hug them, its bc im afraid they will strike me like my father used to the reason i always want to fight and always want to go to the gym and work out is bc i feel like i have to protect myself from everyone around me i have to stay distant from them to only have them hurt me as little as possible i just want to be happy when every some one lifts a hand above their waist i get ready to fight and clench my fists and grit my teeth to the point where you can see my jaw muscles flexing i dont like it when ppl reach for my face or my hair bc im afraid they will try to hurt me every time my father told me to give him a hug when he got home from work he usually beat the shit out of me but once in a blue moon he would hug me after a while i had gotten used to being thrown down the stairs i had gotten used to being locked in closets with the lights turned off for long periods of time i had gotten used to being thrown through the wall and being yelled at for hurting the house while i was sitting on the carpet bleeding and trying to get the blood up before my parents saw it and beat me again but i never got used to why i was never loved or showed any kindness and not knowing what i had done to deserve my beating i just got used to being beaten to the point where i wouldnt even try to block the swings any more my father never hit me like youd hit your kid for being in trouble he would hit me like a man fist to cheek since i can remember i have taken beatings until i was about 14 years old and i had been working out since i was nine and my father left me i started to work out bc i wanted to be ready for him if he cam back but he didnt until i was fourteen and that is when i had to visit him because of the court agreement and he tried to hit me like he used to and i took an oak chair to his upper back and just kept hitting him and screaming never again NEVER AGAIN i hit him with that chair until there was nothing left but splinters h started to smoke crack when i was nine and then did heroine for a year and two months tring to forget the pain and what i had been through i moved on to pot at 12.5 i didnt like it but it was cheap and did a little then i tried coke it wasnt the best coke but if i took enough i wouldnt remember anything i wouldnt feel my scars burning i wouldnt feel the broken bones i would hear the dried tears that had screamed down my face and now at the age of 16 i have tried every drug that you can think of i have cut my self worse and more times than any one you know that hasnt killed them self yet from doing it tring to kill my self was a nightly even you probly remember me when i used to always wear hoodies and head phones and wrist bands to cover my cust and blast the music to dround out people wispering about how i was bleeding through my cuts i could never lend any of the close i had to my friends bc the inside of evry thing i owned was covered in driend blood or it was stained with it i remember being aways from home as much as possible i remeber thinking i had friends but i finally realised they were never my friends they were ppl who were afraid of my who were troubled like me ppl who wanted to see what i had done to my self ppl who thought i was a freak ppl who had known me just bc i was every where and any where that was open during the day and into the night and they had seen me and were interested in me bc of what i was a drug using cutter the only reason my father has anything to do with me now is bc he wants to look good for his new wife pat my relationship with him is cutting his grass for 20 dollars when ever it needs it and i would always have a friend take me up there i remember the night when i was living with him and tiffany was there and chris was there and missy was there and tiffany came into my room and caught me smoking crack and shooting up in my closet crying and covered in blood and that was the first time any one had ever shown me that they cared but that ended now im a burden to every one i know i am a scar on the face of humanity that every one is just hoping will fade away i want to die so bad i want to be dead so bad i dont want to hurt any more i dont want to remember any more i dont want to cry any more i just want to be left alone i just want to be at peace i just want to kill myself why do you always tell me no ITS NOT YOUR LIFE its not your life, is it really a life at all or is existance for the pourpose of tourture is it worth staying to keep being emotionally beaten is it really worth it bc i dont think that its is any more i dont think that it every was ever since i was a kid and i found out that you CAN kill your self i had wanted to do it but also wanted to see if it would get better i wish i wouldnt have waited i should have just done it then i am a joke in the eyes or your cruel god if he writes your life b4 you were born then why would he have done this to me what have i done what origional sin was i born with i thought god loved all of his children but you see this cant be bc i was never shown any mercy i was never loved i was never held i was never wanted i have tried to kill my self so many times but not even satan wants me where do i belong bc it sure isnt in life why must you continue to beat me emotionally now that the physical beatings have stopped why must you join in too leah your blows hurt the worst of all i never expected you beat me as well i have tried so many differnt ways to kill my self i have tried cutting not breathing jumping off shit getting hit by cars jumping into a pool with a plastic bag around my head with my hands and feet tied together and the block i would have finally gotten my wish if that one guy wouldnt have fucking decided to go for a late swim i thought i was the only one who hopped the fence at the public pool i would have had it, i would have had it, if i cant kill my self then why do you try so hard to if your going to do it pick up the pase and quit doing a half ass job let me die just let me go why must you stab at my crippled broken heart with you dull knife it only hurts it wont kill me i wish it could though bc if they could id be gone along time ago
JUST LET ME DIE
some of you who think you know me will realise how little you know me and why i am and turned out way i am now you atleast know a little about me not much but a litte and yes i do cry, i cry every night....all night im even crying right now i have been since 9:00pm and it is now 1:37 am and i still cant sleep i hope you think twice before you judge me next time and think about why i may be doing what im doing bc i may not even know
I lie here in my bed wishing I was dead
every breath I have to take is a harder one to make
I wonder how long it will be before I give up completly
I think of running, I think of pills, I think of knives and the thrills
I want it over I'm ready now
I'm going to go but when and how?
if you have read this journel entry i would like it if you would leave a comment i dont care if we dont know each other i figure if your gunna read what im thinking about id like to read what you are thinking about
thanks
i love you so much leah im sorry if you read this i know your prolly crying by now but this is the only way i could get it out
i love you so much your the one thing that i stay for i love you leah
please call me baby i love you