(no subject)
This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home
The air hits my lungs, I draw it in fast, feeling it rush around my blood. Slowly I wake, bought back to life. My heart is bounding pumping the fresh oxygen around my body.
I open my eyes, slowly take in the hospital room, but all I can see are a big pair of brown eyes staring down at me.
“Elijah, Elijah can you see me can you hear me, are you with us?” The voice comes to me but I’m not sure were it comes from, I only see the eyes. I nod not sure I can talk yet; a tube seems to be stuck down my throat. The eyes move and I’m thrust back into the room. It’s full of lights and people and strange beeping machines. Someone hurries over and takes out the tube making me cough, but the guy with the big eyes gently pours water down my sore throat, catching my eye. My eyes burn, my heart races, I blush, thought I’m sure these things have to do with the brown eyes than my illness.
The brown eyes lean over me again and I notice they are attached to a beautiful cheeky smile.
“glad to see your back with us Mr. Wood you gave us quite a scare back there. I’m Doctor Bloom, I’ve been helping the team and keeping an eye on you. You lost a lot of blood, but writher or not you like it your alive, no one dies on my watch.”
The cheeky smile broke out into a grin as I watch Dr Bloom talk. Memories of before come back to me; the needles, being caught, the razorblades in the cupboard, fragments of my life. I shake my head trying to rid myself of the pain, because now looking into Dr Bloom’s eyes I feel a sense of home, I realize now he’s here I’m finally glad to be alive.
With a name I’d never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25
After a few days of slipping in and out of consciousness I slowly gain strength. They move me out o the ICU to a nice room. But Dr Bloom is still watching me keeping tabs on my progress. He seems aware I have hardly anyone come see me. It would be lonely but I don’t want my parents or friends to see me now, even if they knew I was here. Now Dr Bloom is here and I’m stable I can rebuild my life.
“Want a break from this room?” Dr Bloom asks one day, a couple weeks into my recovery. I notice he has bought a wheelchair in with him.
“If your sure I’m aloud and you have time?” I reply, my nervousness clearly on show. He nods and I take the few steps to the chair, aware there is only a thin dressing gown hiding my modesty. Dr Bloom seems unaware of my embarrassment and pushes me out the room. We talk, about my recovery, the hospital food, sport, avoiding the obvious topic, what got me here.
Reaching the garden at the back of the hospital he pulls me up to a bench and sits down next to me. We catch each others eye, again I feel glad to be alive. He makes to check my pulse but gets no further than taking my hand. His doctors fingers feel warm and strong under my still weak cold ones. Again I blush. We’ve fallen silent, caught up in just being together.
“Why did you do it?” He breaks the moment wit the question that has haunted our time together. Finally, though, I feel ready to answer.
What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...
It started 2 years ago, I’d finished college but I hadn’t any clue what I wanted to do with myself. A few of my dorm buddies were moving west, to find acting jobs in Hollywood so I tagged along, thinking something might turn up. It was cliché but I did the bartending thing for a while and a few odd catering jobs. On one of these jobs I met this bit part actor. His name was Jude and he was beautiful, he had the wavey blonde hair, the eyes that made you feel special, I was hooked. We spent as much time as we could together, went to parties and held some of our own too. I moved in with him after a month.
His bit parts started to get bigger and with it came the drugs. Anything that was on hand, which at these parties was pretty much anything. I was skeptical to start with but as he got more famous it seemed like I was losing him, so I started hitting up. Slow at first, just to keep him pleased, keep him with me, but it wasn’t long before it was once, twice a day.
Jude went off for a photo shoot in Mexico last spring and I stayed home. I had been fired from my bar job and the catering dried up when I hooked up with Jude. So I started selling his things, little things, stuff he wouldn’t notice, just to get a hit.
When he got back from the trip he seemed different. We fought and he threw me out. Luckly that night I met a friend from college who let me stay for a while. But 2 months ago he kicked me out, saying I needed to find a job and a girlfriend, though he knew I was still not over Jude, he thought my liking boys was just a faze. Again I found myself homeless and broke, so I headed home.
My father wouldn’t have me back but my mother, taking pity on her poor son, put me up in their New York apartment. I managed to get a job in a bar round the corner. It all was getting better until that week. Jude was in town and had tracked me down. I invited him over, he bought some stuff over which we hit up while we caught up. I couldn’t help myself round him, I was still in love with him. It didn’t take long for us to end up in my bed.
At which point my dad decided he would drop by with some woman obviously hiding from Mom. The minute he opened the door Jude ups and leaves. Dad, yelling at me, was quick behind him
.
Jude was using me, Dad hated me, my life was over. At the time I had enjoyed myself but now….. the razorblades, the leftover heroin, I fell on my bed and the next thing I knew are these big brown eyes looking at me.
You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer
Once I open up to Dr Bloom, Orlando, I feel so much better. Getting that, my life, off my chest feels like the last grip of pain has faded from memory. It also brings us closer together. Though he is my doctor he spends more and more time in my room. We talk about everything, the hospital, his job, his other patients and staff, but we don’t discuss my time before this again. Slowly I gain strength; I want to live again thanks to Orlando. I’ve not heard from my Dad, though Mum has stopped by a couple of times, and I’ve not heard from Jude, Mum says he’s gone back to Hollywood for a job, but I don’t seem to mind. Orlando is here for me now and that’s all that matters.
6 weeks after that life changing night I’m being released. My Mother has found me a flat near by the hospital were I have to report every week and join a help group. Orlando has promised to take me to and from these meetings. And as the weeks pass I I’m falling for him, little by little the love I felt for Jude is being replaced by my love for Orlando. Its scary thing to give my broken heart up once more but it feels right. At my weakest moment Orlando was there putting me back together and now my life is all clear to me. What I spent my afternoon writing insted of working! I've felt pretty crappy allday so I got some work done this morning then spent hte afternoon writing. I've found my muse again! Yay!
ps my computer has gone weird all jumpy and I dont no why! maybe its poorly too!