Greg
I've decided to use this more because I need to vent and to get advice about my private life. Particularly because my life just fucked me over this week.
I'll try to condense the events of the past few months:
He moved back to the States in June and flew me out to see him in Minnesota in July, where I met his extended family. Everything was great.
In early August, he went up to Washington to spend the weekend with two friends, Monika and Kevin. Monika's boyfriend of three years, Sean, is currently in Cuba and asked her not to hang out with guys while he's away. I thought that was a little controlling, but instead of telling him she wasn't okay with that arrangement, she hangs out with guys behind his back. Greg thought it was a good idea because it lets her avoid getting into an argument, but I told Greg that her behavior justified Sean's distrust. I didn't trust her.
That weekend, the three of them went downtown to drink, blacked out, and apparently crashed in Greg’s hotel room. I wasn't happy with that arrangement, but I didn't tell him because I thought I was being paranoid or jealous. Later that weekend, during a conversation about open relationships, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind if I slept with other guys while we were separated because he knew it was "just sex. That scared me. I told him I would not be okay with an open relationship and that what he said worried me. It made me wonder if he’d consider cheating on me with another girl to be “just sex,” especially after hearing him support Monika's hiding stuff from her significant other just to avoid problems.
By the end of August, Greg had stopped calling or Skyping, and I almost always had to text him first. Sometimes, I wouldn't hear back for hours or until the next day. He said it was because he was usually driving or forgot he had texts. He also gradually stopped telling me he loved me or calling me "babe" or "love." He spent most of his time waiting for Boeing to contact him while he drank beer, hung out with his mom, or ran errands. Whenever we did talk, he often mentioned Monika or said he'd talked to Monika on the phone that day. It upset me, but again, I didn't want to seem controlling.
At the beginning of September, Greg drove to Washington for Labor Day Weekend to find an apartment and see Monika. He'd been planning the trip for a week and told me he was staying at Kevin's apartment while Kevin and his wife were out to sea. So from Thursday until the next Tuesday, Greg spent all his time with Monika whenever she wasn't working. He took her out to eat, went hiking with her, and brought her back to the apartment to watch movies. I didn't want to tell him it bothered me that he spent the entire time with her, since she was his only available friend on the West Coast. I did tell him I hoped she settled things with Sean because I wasn't comfortable with her spending a lot of time with Greg behind Sean's back. Greg simply replied, "He’s in Cuba." That really upset me because he was trying to justify her deceiving Sean, which meant (to me) that he found nothing wrong with that kind of dishonesty and cowardice. I don't trust people who are okay with that.
That Monday, I found out that Monika had been staying alone with Greg at the apartment during his entire visit rather than just hanging out with him in public... and Greg had never told me, even though he knew for two weeks that she would be living alone with him. Our conversation went like this:
Me: How was your night?
Greg: It was good. I watched Blue Valentine. For starters, it’s a terrible movie, and secondly, the woman in the movie is an ungrateful bitch.
Me: Monika went home after the video store?
Greg: No, Monika watched the movie with me and then we went to bed. Also, the guy has a lame ass tattoo of The Giving Tree on his arm, not related to any of the events in the film or anything.
Me: She stayed over at Kevin’s with you?
Greg: Yeah, she’s been staying at Kevin’s since the carpet in her house got ripped up; they still haven’t replaced it so she can’t move back into the apartment. We stay in separate bedrooms, if that’s your concern.
Me: Well yeah, I’d hope so. So she’s been living there all weekend?
Greg: She’s been living there all week.
Me: You never mentioned that.
Greg: I didn’t? Maybe this was a conversation I had with my Mom. I’m sorry.
The carpet excuse sounded valid but I was upset for two reasons:
Before he left to head back to California, I asked him to initiate conversations more often, and he said he’d work on it. But I texted him the next day and never hear back. When I saw him on Facebook that evening and messaged him, he said "brb," then "Have fun today. I’ll talk to you later." That was it. I decided to just stop contacting him and give him space to see how long it took him to contact me. He finally texted me after two days, and when we talked, he said he was stressed, unemployed, and wanted space. I had no clue what he meant because we live a continent apart and he texted me like once every few days as it was, plus he'd just spent a week living alone with a girl and running around Seattle. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to talk about it. So I stopped talking to him again and gave him whatever space he needed.
That night and all the next day, I considered breaking up with him. I even wrote a rough draft of what I would say to him if I did. Greg called the next day and said he was stressed out and frustrated because he was living with his parents, unemployed, and had no friends in California. He said he didn’t want to talk to me about his problems, although he spent hours talking to Monika on the phone about everything. I explained why being cut out of his life made me feel like he didn't care about me and why his involvement with Monika was upsetting me. He said nothing was going on between him and Monika but that hiding stuff from partners is normal in military relationships and that he was fine hanging out with her behind Sean's back. I told him I thought she was being dishonest and that I wouldn't tell him not to hang out with her, but that I wasn’t okay with him living with her alone. He said he wouldn't argue about her with me.
We decided to give each other yet more space this weekend to step back and figure out what to do, then we would talk Monday afternoon. On Saturday, my roommate threw a post-game party and I drunk texted Greg: “Hi! I know were not supposed to talk til Monday but I’m a tad drunk at my roommate’s party and want to say I love you.” I never heard back, no "I love you too" or even a "haha." Nothing the whole weekend. On Monday, Greg called me around 8:30 PM but didn’t have much to say. I asked if he’d gotten my text, and he said, “Yes.” That was it.
So, I told him I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I told him that him actively participating in deceiving another person went against all of my values. He interrupted me and, in an impatient monotone, said, “I understand.” I told him he took away everything we used to talk about and do and started doing those things with Monika. I said I was miserable but that he didn't seem to care. He said in monotone again, “Well, I’m sorry for hurting for you again.” He didn't try to explain or anything. I said I'd send his ring back and he said he didn't want it but then said, “Whatever. Fine. Send me the ring.” I told him I probably couldn't stay friends with him, and after we hung up, I deleted him.
I don't know why he changed so much. He used to randomly email and message me to tell me he loved me and wanted me and couldn't wait to be with me. And then he just stopped everything and started spending all his time interacting with Monika. I don't have proof, but everything screams cheating to me. Now I'm back to bursting into tears at random moments and crying myself to sleep again. I'm confused and angry and hurt, and I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.
Now I'm debating whether or not I should tell Sean that Monika stayed alone with Greg during that week. I have screenshots of Greg admitting that Monika was staying with him, although I could edit out his name. On one hand, I feel guilty because I know she's going behind Sean's back, and I think he deserves to know what she's doing while he's gone. She's abusing his trust, she could give him an STD if she's actually screwing other guys, and she directly contributed to the ruin of my relationship with Greg, which makes her actions my business. At first, I thought she might not have known better, but today I found out she went out of her way to to look me up on Facebook and block me. Why would she do that if she didn't think she had something to hide? On the other hand, telling Sean could cause drama, but part of me thinks he deserves better and that she should've thought about the consequences of her actions.
I'll wait until the weekend to decide what to do. Until then, I'll try to get some sleep and send him back his ring. I hoped I would never have to feel this miserable again. At least I have supportive friends...
I'll try to condense the events of the past few months:
He moved back to the States in June and flew me out to see him in Minnesota in July, where I met his extended family. Everything was great.
In early August, he went up to Washington to spend the weekend with two friends, Monika and Kevin. Monika's boyfriend of three years, Sean, is currently in Cuba and asked her not to hang out with guys while he's away. I thought that was a little controlling, but instead of telling him she wasn't okay with that arrangement, she hangs out with guys behind his back. Greg thought it was a good idea because it lets her avoid getting into an argument, but I told Greg that her behavior justified Sean's distrust. I didn't trust her.
That weekend, the three of them went downtown to drink, blacked out, and apparently crashed in Greg’s hotel room. I wasn't happy with that arrangement, but I didn't tell him because I thought I was being paranoid or jealous. Later that weekend, during a conversation about open relationships, he mentioned that he wouldn't mind if I slept with other guys while we were separated because he knew it was "just sex. That scared me. I told him I would not be okay with an open relationship and that what he said worried me. It made me wonder if he’d consider cheating on me with another girl to be “just sex,” especially after hearing him support Monika's hiding stuff from her significant other just to avoid problems.
By the end of August, Greg had stopped calling or Skyping, and I almost always had to text him first. Sometimes, I wouldn't hear back for hours or until the next day. He said it was because he was usually driving or forgot he had texts. He also gradually stopped telling me he loved me or calling me "babe" or "love." He spent most of his time waiting for Boeing to contact him while he drank beer, hung out with his mom, or ran errands. Whenever we did talk, he often mentioned Monika or said he'd talked to Monika on the phone that day. It upset me, but again, I didn't want to seem controlling.
At the beginning of September, Greg drove to Washington for Labor Day Weekend to find an apartment and see Monika. He'd been planning the trip for a week and told me he was staying at Kevin's apartment while Kevin and his wife were out to sea. So from Thursday until the next Tuesday, Greg spent all his time with Monika whenever she wasn't working. He took her out to eat, went hiking with her, and brought her back to the apartment to watch movies. I didn't want to tell him it bothered me that he spent the entire time with her, since she was his only available friend on the West Coast. I did tell him I hoped she settled things with Sean because I wasn't comfortable with her spending a lot of time with Greg behind Sean's back. Greg simply replied, "He’s in Cuba." That really upset me because he was trying to justify her deceiving Sean, which meant (to me) that he found nothing wrong with that kind of dishonesty and cowardice. I don't trust people who are okay with that.
That Monday, I found out that Monika had been staying alone with Greg at the apartment during his entire visit rather than just hanging out with him in public... and Greg had never told me, even though he knew for two weeks that she would be living alone with him. Our conversation went like this:
Me: How was your night?
Greg: It was good. I watched Blue Valentine. For starters, it’s a terrible movie, and secondly, the woman in the movie is an ungrateful bitch.
Me: Monika went home after the video store?
Greg: No, Monika watched the movie with me and then we went to bed. Also, the guy has a lame ass tattoo of The Giving Tree on his arm, not related to any of the events in the film or anything.
Me: She stayed over at Kevin’s with you?
Greg: Yeah, she’s been staying at Kevin’s since the carpet in her house got ripped up; they still haven’t replaced it so she can’t move back into the apartment. We stay in separate bedrooms, if that’s your concern.
Me: Well yeah, I’d hope so. So she’s been living there all weekend?
Greg: She’s been living there all week.
Me: You never mentioned that.
Greg: I didn’t? Maybe this was a conversation I had with my Mom. I’m sorry.
The carpet excuse sounded valid but I was upset for two reasons:
- I dont think a guy can just "forget" to tell his fiance that he's going to stay alone with another girl for a week, let alone behind her boyfriend's back. In fact, before that weekend, he always asked me if I was okay with any situation involving him hanging out with another girl. So him suddenly "forgetting" was unusual, not to mention in these circumstances.
- He had been in two similar situations before in which he screwed around with another girl. He cheated on one girlfriend when he and another girl fell asleep together on a bed. Then, in an almost identical situation, he came onto me while he was staying alone with me in Parkersburg when I was having trouble with Jon.
Before he left to head back to California, I asked him to initiate conversations more often, and he said he’d work on it. But I texted him the next day and never hear back. When I saw him on Facebook that evening and messaged him, he said "brb," then "Have fun today. I’ll talk to you later." That was it. I decided to just stop contacting him and give him space to see how long it took him to contact me. He finally texted me after two days, and when we talked, he said he was stressed, unemployed, and wanted space. I had no clue what he meant because we live a continent apart and he texted me like once every few days as it was, plus he'd just spent a week living alone with a girl and running around Seattle. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to talk about it. So I stopped talking to him again and gave him whatever space he needed.
That night and all the next day, I considered breaking up with him. I even wrote a rough draft of what I would say to him if I did. Greg called the next day and said he was stressed out and frustrated because he was living with his parents, unemployed, and had no friends in California. He said he didn’t want to talk to me about his problems, although he spent hours talking to Monika on the phone about everything. I explained why being cut out of his life made me feel like he didn't care about me and why his involvement with Monika was upsetting me. He said nothing was going on between him and Monika but that hiding stuff from partners is normal in military relationships and that he was fine hanging out with her behind Sean's back. I told him I thought she was being dishonest and that I wouldn't tell him not to hang out with her, but that I wasn’t okay with him living with her alone. He said he wouldn't argue about her with me.
We decided to give each other yet more space this weekend to step back and figure out what to do, then we would talk Monday afternoon. On Saturday, my roommate threw a post-game party and I drunk texted Greg: “Hi! I know were not supposed to talk til Monday but I’m a tad drunk at my roommate’s party and want to say I love you.” I never heard back, no "I love you too" or even a "haha." Nothing the whole weekend. On Monday, Greg called me around 8:30 PM but didn’t have much to say. I asked if he’d gotten my text, and he said, “Yes.” That was it.
So, I told him I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I told him that him actively participating in deceiving another person went against all of my values. He interrupted me and, in an impatient monotone, said, “I understand.” I told him he took away everything we used to talk about and do and started doing those things with Monika. I said I was miserable but that he didn't seem to care. He said in monotone again, “Well, I’m sorry for hurting for you again.” He didn't try to explain or anything. I said I'd send his ring back and he said he didn't want it but then said, “Whatever. Fine. Send me the ring.” I told him I probably couldn't stay friends with him, and after we hung up, I deleted him.
I don't know why he changed so much. He used to randomly email and message me to tell me he loved me and wanted me and couldn't wait to be with me. And then he just stopped everything and started spending all his time interacting with Monika. I don't have proof, but everything screams cheating to me. Now I'm back to bursting into tears at random moments and crying myself to sleep again. I'm confused and angry and hurt, and I don't think I deserved to be treated that way.
Now I'm debating whether or not I should tell Sean that Monika stayed alone with Greg during that week. I have screenshots of Greg admitting that Monika was staying with him, although I could edit out his name. On one hand, I feel guilty because I know she's going behind Sean's back, and I think he deserves to know what she's doing while he's gone. She's abusing his trust, she could give him an STD if she's actually screwing other guys, and she directly contributed to the ruin of my relationship with Greg, which makes her actions my business. At first, I thought she might not have known better, but today I found out she went out of her way to to look me up on Facebook and block me. Why would she do that if she didn't think she had something to hide? On the other hand, telling Sean could cause drama, but part of me thinks he deserves better and that she should've thought about the consequences of her actions.
I'll wait until the weekend to decide what to do. Until then, I'll try to get some sleep and send him back his ring. I hoped I would never have to feel this miserable again. At least I have supportive friends...